I write this post because so many of you have called or emailed or messaged me and I have not been in the proper state of mind to respond. I am in survival mode and doing all I can to keep a strong presence of mind for my children. I tend to turn inward during times of extreme stress and this time is no different. Please know that I appreciate the love and support.
My dear sweet husband is struggling right now. He left this weekend without a word to me or anyone. His phone is off and he is not returning messages or emails. At first I worried terribly for his safety, but my feeling now is that physically he is alright, but emotionally he must be very bad off to have left this way. For those of you who really know Richard, you realize this is not him. He is not like this.
I don't know if he will be back. I hope and pray that he will come home. I am a mess and the children are hurting terribly. They miss their Daddy and there is nothing I can do or say to make them feel any better.
One of the hardest parts of this is that despite the typical problems that come with marriage, ours is really wonderful. We talk together, a lot, we laugh together, a lot, we have cried together, a lot. We tell each other "I love you" multiple times daily. My husband is an amazing man, husband and father. He is loving, supportive, kind and patient. When it comes to parenting, he has always been so much stronger than me. As a husband I felt his love and support and I know that no one has ever loved me the way he does. A week ago today I had as close to a perfect marriage as they come. We have had our struggles, but I was happy, we were happy. And that makes this all that much worse. Because the love of my life is gone, and I didn't see it coming, and he is hurting terribly and I cannot help him, I cannot even find him.
The question I have heard the most is "how can I help?" or "what can I do for you?". I don't even know what I need at this point, but I do have one request. Please refrain from judging my husband. Please pray for him as you pray for my children and myself. It is still my most sincere hope that he will come back to us. We are here with open arms waiting to welcome him back and love him. We do not judge him for hurting us this way because there is no way we can understand what pain he is going through himself. Please do not judge him either and do not say bad things about him, to me or to anyone. When I first realized he was gone, I had a fleeting moment of anger, and from time to time that anger returns briefly. But mostly there is an overwhelming sadness and an aching in my heart because of his absence. I hear a car door shut outside and I run to the window thinking he is back. The kids do the same. The phone rings and I pray silently it is him. If he walked through the door right now I would throw my arms around him and cry with such gratitude at knowing he is okay and back with us. I don't know if I will get that chance. My mind races with the possibility that I will never see him again.
My sweet mentor and teacher at school told me yesterday that miracles happen and that I need to stay positive. I am trying, but there are so many "what if's" in my thoughts and the future is so uncertain. So, please, pray for us. Pray for a miracle. Please call and put our names on the temple prayer rolls where you are, with Richard's at the top.If enough of us are expressing our love for him, maybe he will feel it and come home.
Richard, if you read this, please know that you are so loved. I know you are working through something really difficult, but wouldn't it be better working through it in the presence of your family, who adores you? Please come home! We love you, we need you, and we miss you!
Finding Joy in Brokenness
4 days ago