My Sweet Joseph

Good news, Joseph is not allergic to bee stings. He is so sweet! He said, "it only hurt for a little while, but I feel sorry for the bee, because it died."

Words of Wisdom

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and . . . look for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness . . ., to stay afloat on top of it.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert (quoted in Jeffrey R Holland's devotional last fall here at the University)

Mourning the End of an Era

Tomorrow I start my new job.  I am happy to have this job, very grateful in fact.  It is a perfect introduction into the work force for me, as its been many years since I worked outside the home.  But, I find myself feeling such loss.  I have always been happy being home, I have loved raising my children, I have loved cooking and shopping and budgeting, I have loved making a home for my sweet family.  I find myself feeling this loss, along with a great burden that not only will I need to be able to do these things better than ever, for my children need a strong mother, but I will also need to be the breadwinner, the planner, the leader of our family in every way.  It is a heavy burden to bear at a time when a burden of such deep sadness is upon me.  At church lately there have been so many talks and lessons about the roles of mothers and fathers in the family.  I know that having both a mother and a father in the home is ideal, and how the Lord wants it.  I also know there are many like me who have to take on both roles, who did not choose to be in this position.  One young lady in our ward just turned 16 and her father took her on her first date.  I think this is a beautiful idea.  Still, I came home and cried, because there are some things I just will not be able to do for my children.  And it hurts. It is so not fair to them. At the tender ages of 10 and 13, there is still so much growing up for them to do.

I know I can do this.  I know I will be blessed with the strength to do what I absolutely need to and I hope and pray that when I am not strong enough, "the village" will jump in and give me a hand.  I hope that as I settle into this new routine, my emotions will calm down and I will find myself with new friends, a new outlet and a great feeling of accomplishment.  For now, I just need to get through this week!

Roadtrip...the saga continues

We made it to our ultimate destination, Cherry Hill, right at opening, 10:30.  We got a nice shady spot for our stuff and I am pretty sure we were the first ones in the lazy river. We win, we are the laziest!  It felt so good to relax and just float. The sky was blue, the temperature just right. PERFECTION!

 The reasons we love this lazy river so much are first, because its so wide. Its easy to weave in and out of the crowd.  The kids spent much time maneuvering us to empty spots so we could float more freely. Second, this is not just a lazy river. You float through an old western looking town and every 45 minutes there is a fun little program where the characters break a water main and all heck breaks lose! Water starts shooting out everywhere and its just fun!  Third, because there are so many other things to do,  such as miniature golf, water slides, pools, giant mazes and such, the river does not seem to ever be too full.  Oh, and in the middle of the river, where we choose to set up our base, there are lots of trees and grass, so its comfortable and shady, and a good third of the river is shaded as well. The children and I plan to have a home with a lazy river around it someday.  You will HAVE to come visit us!

The snow cones are one size...HUGE. And they hand you the cup full of shaved ice, which you must then take to the "flavor station" and you pump as much and as many flavors as you want. Pretty cool...and colorful!

I only floated alone while the kids went to try out the water slides.  I missed having Richard to float with.  We always enjoyed floating and talking.  But the kids were awesome when they floated with me. Their joy and enthusiasm is infectious.  Its pretty darn near impossible not to have fun with these two crazy kids! I am so blessed!

By 3 we were ready to head out. Another thing I love about my kids, they don't feel the need to prolong the fun out of a sense of missing out if they quit early. When they get tired they are done. So we are chilling at the hotel for now.  Dinner later, any bets as to whether we will find the  In-n-Out or go to Red Lobster?

End of Summer Roadtrip

Next week its back to school! Where has our summer gone?  Being a super fun, cool, awesome, spontaneous mom(HA, may be lacking a bit of humility), I decided to take the kids on a roadtrip to one of our favorite summer places.  Cherry Hill!  The van is still struggling with short distance trips so it had to be the Jeep.  Two awesome young Jeep guys in my ward, Ben and Jon, came over to help me remove the hard top and attach the sun shade.  There was some minor drama what with missing parts and all, but after watching a YouTube video, I knew what to look for and I DID IT!  My heros were patient with me and stuck it out till the end! Doesn't Jeep look great, and ready for an adventure?

Jeep is very loud on the freeway, and I was a little worried about Joseph in the back with little protection from the wind.  Both kids seem to agree, the van is a far more comfortable ride. But the more I drive Jeep, the more I love it.  Driving the van is kind of a drag!  Yes, to all the men out there, I feel the pain of your sacrifice when it was time to trade in your beloved "fun" vehicle for a family one. So I had an amazing drive to Utah, and the kids endured it well. Joseph stayed wrapped in a blanket most of the journey.  When we arrived,  he informed us that he was only hit in the head with a rock once.  Oops!  I guess that's good news?  To make it up to him we hit the first 7 eleven we could find and got Slurpees!

The wind blowing through your hair is a romantic notion. In actuality hair that is windblown becomes so tangled that it is painful, as in a "just shave it off and start over because it hurts too much to try to comb through it" kind of pain.  I found these great tubular scarves for Annalina and I.  We can wear them as headbands and unroll them once we get up to speed and they cover our hair so it stays nice and smooth.   Plus, just look at us!  We look like cool road warriors!

Got to the hotel an hour early so we hung out in the lounge.  We giggled and had fun together,  like we always do! Yeah, my little people totally rock!

My little people also have expensive taste!  I took them to the Outback for dinner, since it was right next door and my poor deprived babies have never had the pleasure.  They both ordered the Filet Mignon with endless shrimp.(!!!!) They loved it! Here is the thing about my kiddos,  all four of them.  They never expect or feel entitled to anything, and each one of them is so good at expressing gratitude that I love to spoil them when I can, which isn't terribly often, but tonight I could, so I did.  So when I  said order anything, I was thrilled that they both wanted steak and shrimp!   Not so thrilled with the price, but they are worth it to me. And no one does steak like Outback!

Tomorrow we will head to Cherry Hill for some relaxing lazy river floating.  This is a place with strong memories of Richard,  so I hope and pray that will be a positive thing for our family and that I am not about to drag us through some emotional turmoil.  But I feel good about it!

Stargazing

One of the earlier dates Richard and I went on was out to a lake long after dark to watch the Perseid Meteor shower.  Living in Oregon we didn't get to see it each year, but when the weather cooperated, it became a family tradition to find a place away from the city lights and watch the show!  We continued that tradition here in Idaho, but we never even have to leave our yard to see the meteors.

This year I debated whether to bring it up with the kids or not.  Definitely an activity with strong memories of Richard.  But I  decided to ask them how they felt about it and we decided together that we would have fun, so on the 12th, we took blankets out in the yard and laid on the grass and watched a spectacular show.  It was truly magical. I loved listening to the kids discuss what they know about the universe and our place in it.  It was breezy so after an hour we went in to bed.

The next night was calmer so we decided to watch again.  This time the kids got sleeping bags and they stayed toasty!  Jacob even came out to watch for a while before his graveyard shift began.

It felt good to stick with our traditions and to find peace and contentment through them. It would be easy to dwell on the one missing from the experience, but instead I choose to be very grateful for what I am still blessed with.  Beautiful children who make me laugh, who make me feel such deep joy.  Life is good and the Lord loves each of us so much.

Cello Guy

Well its official, he's going to be a piano guy...umm, no, a cello guy!!

Oregon Highlights

Climbing My Mountain

I love the talk, Mountains to Climb, by President Eyring.  I have always felt strengthened by the message that without "mountains" in our lives, we cannot grow into the person our Heavenly Father knows we can be.  I don't know my full potential, but He does.  I have to trust that each trial I face in this life will refine me.

As is true for everyone, I have faced many very tall mountains throughout my life, but none so steep as the one I am on now.  Each day is a struggle to keep moving up, rather than letting myself slide down to the bottom.  My faith helps keep me on track.  I recently had a talk with my Bishop where I admitted I had fallen far down my mountain, and I was just too tired to progress any further.  Being a wise man, he pointed out that perspective is key. He told me I had not fallen down the mountain, perhaps I had only slipped and skinned my knees, but that I was still holding fast to my hard fought place on my mountain.  He recommended I not look up or down, but rather that I look out.  That I should see how high I had climbed, and that I enjoy the view.  This mountain analogy is always with me.  At times in the past I had found myself near the top, only to find another peak to conquer.  Being my best friend,  Richard was always there to encourage me, to pull me up and to steady me when I felt weak.  I tried to do the same for him.  Now I feel so alone at times.  I can't just roll over to face my love and tell him what is troubling me, I cannot ask his advice any time day or night.  I miss that. Richard was compassionate and understanding. He always tried to see things from my perspective and then show me another perspective.  He gave me great advice. He had learned just how to offer it, and I had learned how to accept it. He was like a security blanket, helping me feel warm and safe.  At times I now feel that I am walking on a tightrope without my ever present, kind and loving safety net. 

I could allow myself to feel the injustice of what I have lost.  It is not fair that I have to go forward without my companion. That I have to do it all alone.  But I have chosen to view this as a great opportunity.  I am developing a close relationship with my Savior.  I cannot talk to my husband to get advice, but I can pray to the Lord anytime.  When things seem uncertain, I don't have to feel fear. I can trust that the Lord will guide me.  I know that He is aware of me and my children.  I know that only He understands the sorrow and loneliness that I feel.  I know that He will not let me down.  I, in turn, will strive to not let Him down. I wonder if this deep relationship would be possible if my husband was here.  Please don't misunderstand, I loved the Lord even when my husband was here. But I never had to rely on him fully before.  I was slowly developing the ability to rely on Him, through struggles that Richard and I have had over the years.  But what I am experiencing now is a crash course in learning to depend on the Lord.  Though I cannot say I am grateful for these exact circumstances, I am grateful for the direction it has given me.  I truly can say I am grateful for the years of heartache and struggle that led me to have a testimony of the Gospel and my Savior.  I know so many people turn away from the Lord when times get hard, as if they somehow justify blaming Him.  I am grateful for the desire I have found to run into His arms, rather than turn away.  Who else could more perfectly comfort me? 

Am I okay?  Am I over it?  Do I feel peace and happiness all the time now?  NO!  I still struggle deeply and I have times where I question myself. Sometimes the sadness is overpowering.  Is that the Lord turning his back on me?  No, not at all. That is me, needing to learn and grow, maybe someday I will have learned sufficiently.  I have talked before about the need we have to feel the pain for a time, so we can better understand the power and miracle of the atonement.  I have fallen into the depths of despair, but I always come out on the other side and I know the full measure of the burden that has been taken from me.  What a blessing this is to me.  I am so grateful for my mountains, even at times when I can't help but think of the steep climb, the muddy spots, the seemingly impassable sections.  In the end I know that I can and will climb my mountain and at the top, the beautiful view, the peace, joy and love that awaits me, will all be worth it.

As I have mentioned before, I love going out in the Jeep.  I wanted to learn how to put it into 4 wheel drive and I wanted to take it up a mountain.  But I didn't want to do it alone.  My Bishop and his sweet family came over early one Saturday and allowed us to follow them up a mountain trail to Relay Ridge, a favorite spot for my family when Richard was with us.  Joseph came with me.  I was excited, I was nervous, but I was ready!  Part way up, the Bishop's Jeep had a mechanical issue and he had to take my Jeep to get a part.  What a blessing in disguise! Joseph and I waited on the mountain trail with Angela and her daughter.   The weather was perfect. We had an incredible view and we had fun talking.  When my Jeep got back, Angela and I, along with our kids, headed up the mountain.  The view was incredible at the top, 360 degrees!  The Tetons were right there!  It was an amazing feeling to have made it to the top!  I had taken some smooth rocks up the mountain with me. I had written on each rock an emotion I wanted to leave on the mountain, things like guilt, fear, weakness, doubt. Joseph helped me arrange my stones in a small pile and there they stayed.  I came down the mountain that day feeling lighter and more capable than I have felt in a long time.  I am grateful for people who are willing to help me accomplish my goals and even encourage it. It is so hard to ask for help, but I am learning to allow myself to need others.

A beautiful place to be stuck for a couple hours! 

Heading up!

 

Me and my Jeeping buddy!

 

Cave Falls and Horsehoe Lake, Mom-style

Me:  Kids, I am home!
Kids: Where were you? I thought you were just going to the bank!
Me:  Well, when Jeep and I run errands, we often find ourselves out in the middle of nowhere. Wanna come along next time?
Kids: Yeah!

So we left bright and early at 9am.  You can only leave as early as your sleepiest teenager allows...

We first went to Cave Falls. It was beautiful and we had the falls to ourselves.  We wiggled our toes in the water, but it was as cold as the Oregon ocean!  We climbed around on the rocks.  We had fun then took off again. We were going to try to find Sheep Falls, but it wasn't well marked and there were lots of turn offs, and we really could not see anything due to the flocks of sheep falling down the mountain...heehee, just kidding!  We decided next time we'd take a map along.  We are adventurous, but we aren't crazy!  Ok, maybe just a little bit. Our next stop was Horseshoe Lake.

The lake was gorgeous. We threw rocks, waded in the water and then we got an amazing treat when a big bald eagle flew over the lake.  It landed at the top of a tree and sat there looking around for a while. It was so majestic!  We watched it for about 10 minutes, then it took flight again and headed back the way it came.  It was the highlight of our day!  On our way out I went through a huge puddle and water sprayed all over the Jeep.  The kids laughed and squealed.

I love off-roading with the kiddos.  We have plenty of time together to talk. We laugh and play and we see amazing things. We dream of the future and we just enjoy our time together.