I saw my doctor yesterday. I tried to be strong, but instead I sat in the waiting room sobbing, luckily I was alone and didn't have to wait too long. Doctor Hardy is so kind and gave me such good advice. He prescribed me something to help me sleep. Something very heavy duty, since the night before I only got a total of about 2 hours of sleep using my old Rx. Last night I took a pill and climbed into bed. Both kids came in to sleep with me and my sweet Annalina started to cry. She said that she keeps forgetting that daddy isn't coming home. I fought the effects of my pill and comforted her for quite a while. My heart is already broken and yet it breaks into smaller pieces to see my sweet children suffer. Two and a half hours later I was wide awake and obsessing about the obituary that was due today. I was so worried about doing a good job telling about Richard's life. Things kept going through my mind. I finally got up and typed out what had come to me. Then I started going through photos for the obituary and program. What a brutal experience that was. Having to look at photo after photo of good times with the man I love! I cried and cried. Someday I hope to get to the point where those photos bring me joy. But that time is not in sight yet.
I had to go to the funeral home to go over some things. Sweet Adrienne went with me. The funeral director helped us finish up the obituary and didn't even get upset that it wasn't completely done. (Why did I feel like a schoolgirl turning in an unfinished report?) He was kind and helpful to us. I had found the perfect photo. It was of Richard and Adrienne together on her wedding day. He cropped it down so it was just Richard and the look on Richard's face is priceless. He was so happy and proud of Adrienne that day. I am grateful I found that photo. It is exactly how I want my husband to be remembered.
After all that, I spent some time with my husband. It was so painful and yet such a tender experience, to touch his face which was hard and then to touch his hands which were soft. At times I wish I could feel anger towards him for taking himself away from us like this. Then the pain would take a back seat to the anger. But all I can feel right now is a great love and compassion for him and what he must have gone through to end up doing what he did. I am heartbroken he was so alone. I am sad he didn't feel that he could share his desperation with me. I miss him so very much. He no longer looks like himself. They did quite a bit of work on my dear husband, but the damage he did to himself was great. I carefully asked the kids if they felt they wanted to see him one last time and was grateful to hear that they would prefer to remember him as he was. Adrienne was with me every minute. I know it wasn't easy for her, but she was there loving me and supporting me and it was so very precious. I talked to him. I hope he heard me. I think he did. These kind of losses are so hard because there is so much left unsaid.
How I Feel
1 year ago
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