Losing a husband/father to death is a terrible thing to experience at any age. Losing a husband/father to suicide adds layers of turmoil to the loss. It is in direct opposition to what a loving family is all about. I want to remember the love we shared, yet I wonder, did he really love me and if so, how could he have left me the way he did. During the darkest of times, I tell myself, he hid his depression and desperation from me, maybe he was only pretending to love me. I am sure Satan is at the heart of that kind of thinking. I try not to stay there. I know my Richard loved me and our family and I know with suicide, the person suffering cannot see things clearly. They cannot understand the devastation others will feel, or the permanent scarring their actions will cause. His note to me said his death was like a band aid being pulled off. That we would finally be able to heal without him here and that we would soon be happy again. He saw the world as being better off without him. But even knowing and trying to understand these things, negative thoughts come up from time to time. It is exhausting mentally to swing between thoughts of love and unity to death and abandonment. I want to scream at him how wrong he was, how much we need him, how this kind of pain will never completely go away! But I don't. I write it all in my journal to him. And in some small way I am able to make peace with it.
I understand so much of what he was going through. Even though he didn't share how bad things were, I knew and could relate to his pain and suffering. These are things I cannot share with my little children yet. They struggle with the way he died, just as I do. But they didn't see things the way I saw them. To them he was strong, happy, invincible daddy! I struggle with how to help them cope with the questions that come up. Last night Annalina came to me crying because she was missing Richard so badly. I ache for her and we talked for a long time about it. She told me she had noticed several times that daddy seemed sad and she wanted to ask him about it. But she got busy and forgot and then he was gone. I explained as best I could that had she asked him, daddy would have smiled and told her everything was perfectly fine. That was just how he was. She has been living with this for over two months now, this thought that had she said something to him, he might still be here. I held her as she cried. I talked to her. I loved her. And I saw all my own regrets in that moment. All the blame that I couldn't help but feel. All the longing to go back and change things, to make a difference, to save him, to keep him here with us. And in helping my daughter deal with these things, I am helping myself as well. Because I really need her to understand this was in no way her fault, there was nothing she could have done. That is yet another terrible thing about suicide. Those left behind are left with regret and sadness and so many questions.
At one point I went to my Bishop and asked him why I woke up at 4 am to find Richard gone. Why did I go talk to him and yet I didn't feel prompted to do more, to do something that would have saved him? Was I unworthy of such guidance and did my unworthiness cost my husband his life? (Again, thoughts planted by Satan, I am certain). His answer was that only the Lord knew how deep and painful Richard's suffering was. Only He knew what Richard needed to be made whole. And he wasn't going to get that here on earth. And while I ache because I wanted to be all he needed, yes, a little egotistical, I am coming to an understanding that he is where he needs to be to heal and become whole. Though we have years ahead of us of sadness and loneliness from missing him in our lives, we will have what we have always been promised we will have an eternal family. It still hurts deeply. But at times I think of our first reunion and the joy that will be ours at being together after so long apart. Death is no longer scary to me.
Some say suicide is a terribly selfish thing to do as it affects so many people. Sometimes I think of my desire to keep Richard here and I think maybe I am the one being selfish. I know how much pain and suffering I am feeling, and my children as well to a degree, but I cannot possibly know how much Richard was suffering. I believe he is no longer in pain and darkness. I believe he can feel hope once again and I believe he can feel the love and light of the Savior. I am so grateful for this knowledge!
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