The Plan

Hello friends!  This post is just to let you know what the plan is for conquering this cancer inside me. 

A week from today, on the 22nd I will go in for a hysterectomy.  No, this isn't really cancer related, but this will stop the chronic pain I am in and should keep me from being constantly anemic and I should have lots of energy once I am all healed!  Yay, 2016 has so much potential to be an amazing year.  After 2015, well, let's just say, it HAS to be better!

I should be home from the hospital no later than Christmas Eve.  I am not thrilled to be staying in the hospital, but it will be okay. Jacob is taking a few days off from work to be home to make sure all goes well here with the kiddos.  And hopefully they will get to come visit me in the hospital, so there is that to look forward to.  I am blessed with a dear friend who will take me to the hospital and be there with me to get me settled in.   Christmas will be interesting. I am just grateful I will get to spend it at home with my children.

On the 30th, just 8 days later, I will go down to Idaho Falls for another surgery, a lumpectomy, where a golf ball sized piece of tissue will be removed from my left breast.  That is a day surgery and I will be home that evening.  Yay!  Not sure what recover is going to be like, having two surgeries so close together is a little daunting.  But I know everything will be okay. 

I will meet with my Oncologist after the surgeries to learn when exactly radiation will begin.  Not sure if it will be right away, or if I wait until I am healed from the surgeries.  Either way, I have six weeks of driving back and forth to Idaho Falls for daily radiation treatment. 

 That should do it!  Hopefully it won't take too long for me to be back to normal, no, better than normal!  I look forward to having lots of energy, for not letting pain dictate my activities.  I am going to do my best to make next year a new beginning for myself.  I will set goals and I will prevail!  And then I might still just take a nap! 

Finding Peace Through the Atonement

Three weeks ago today was the 10 month mark of life without Richard.  I woke up very early for a Sunday and felt strongly the need to send a thank you email to my Stake President for all the Stake did then and has done for my family since.  I shared with him where I was at emotionally and I bore my testimony that I know my Heavenly Father loves me.  I clicked send and headed off to church.  Our high councilmen spoke to us in Sacrament Meeting.  They discussed the theme of our Stake Conference and my heart burned within me.  For these are things I know with all my heart.  I thought, wouldn't it be amazing to share that knowledge with my ward and stake family!  Shortly after I got a reply to my email, which said, I have never extended this invitation via email, but would you like to speak at conference?  I accepted and rode out an extreme emotional high the rest of the day.  Weird huh? ;-)  I do feel that the Spirit was hard at work, preparing me first of all, to even think I was remotely qualified to speak to anyone about anything, and second, to help me feel the peace and reassurance that this was indeed something I could and should do.  It is not a terribly long talk, but it is full of what is in my heart these days.  I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to share. I hope to be able to continue to share and to help others who find themselves struggling on their life journey.  This blog has been a safe place for me to express my story and how I have grown and changed through the joys and pains of life. I feel strongly that there are some tough subjects that I need to talk about, and I hope to do that soon. I guess what I want you all to know is that my life needs to be an open book.  I want to be able to talk about everything and anything. If you need me, I am here for you!

I have had several requests from friends for a copy of my talk, so here it is.  I also want my children, who were not in attendance last night to be able to read what I shared.  It was a little bittersweet to arrive to conference without Richard, to sit on the stand alone, and to leave alone, but I got to see so many of my dear sweet friends and many of them came up to me after and hugged me and that is one of the beautiful blessings I have been given since losing Richard.  Deep friendships have been formed, the kind I never had before because Richard was always here for me.  I have learned to trust and to love deeply and to accept that same love from others, where before maybe I did not feel worthy of such love.  I love knowing that at the age of 42 I am still learning and growing, still evolving!  I am truly blessed!

I am very excited to be here with you all this evening.  When I first heard the theme of our Stake Conference several weeks ago, my heart burned within me, because this is something I have gained a strong testimony of over the years.  When I was asked to speak at this conference later that day, I was filled with excitement at such an amazing opportunity.  I am honored to be able to share with you my testimony of my Heavenly Father’s and my Savior’s love for me.   

Life was never meant to be easy and yet the Lord wants us to feel joy.  At times the trials come so quickly and without warning that we can feel overwhelmed and even lost. We may find ourselves wondering how pain and joy can coexist.  The past decade of my life has been filled with difficult trials that I never thought I could survive.   Looking back, I am amazed at times that I am still here.  But I can see now, that each trial helped me prepare for the next. 

The culmination of all these challenges came earlier this year.  After many years of struggling with addiction and depression, which he hid so well, my husband took his own life last January.  That was the low point for me.  The pain I felt at losing my best friend and eternal companion, at feeling that I had failed him was more than I could bear.  My previous trials had taught me to reach out to and rely on my Savior.  I remember clearly those first few days, pleading with Him to please take this giant hole in my heart and fill it with something, anything but the pain and torment that enveloped me every moment of the day.  No relief came, and that is okay. 

The year before, while in the midst of another devastating trial involving my husband, my dear Aunt Linda sent me an article by Kent F. Richards, called “The Atonement Covers All Pain”.  In it he talks about the pain we must all endure in this life.  He explained that the atonement can help us because our Savior chose to suffer every affliction, sickness, sorrow and heartache that we will ever know.  He did this willingly so that he could know exactly how to help us, if we let him. Pain is part of the learning and growing process.  Sometimes we are confused as we cry out for relief and do not get it right away.  I have learned that just as the Savior suffered for all of our sins and pains in Gethsemane so he could understand how best to help us, we must bear the pain for a time, so that we can understand our Savior and his love for us. It is beautiful, really.  When you are in the midst of terrible pain, it may seem cruel, but it is not.  Know that he will bear you up even as you suffer.   Even in the blur of emotional turmoil, he will help you put one foot in front of the other.  He will send aid through other people and through ministering angels. I know this to be true. I experience this on a regular basis.

If we asked for the pain to be taken and it was, instantly, would we ever learn and grow from that pain?  No, just as we must know the bad to know the good, sickness to fully appreciate good health, we must feel pain in order to appreciate the relief that will come through the gift of the atonement. So when we are in the middle of the worst suffering we have ever felt and we cry out to the Lord for help, we must show faith by being patient and understand that relief will come, in HIS time.  

I long for stability in my life and for my sweet children who have endured so much for ones so young.  After such a tumultuous year I have prayed for stability, but the Lord has prepared me for the answer that my trials are not over.  This last month I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  There are so many blessings to be found in my life at this time, that I know the Lord is aware of me and my children.  I know that although I have some unpleasantness to experience in the weeks and months to come, it will be alright.  I hate the thought of going through this without my sweet husband, who was truly my rock, despite his own challenges.  But I know that I will never be alone.

In his talk, Ministry of Angels, Elder Holland says, “My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. “[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved.”

I want you to know that so many of you are mortal angels in my life.   I feel my Heavenly Father’s love for me each time one of you calls, or stops in to say hi, or sends me a quick text saying you were just thinking of me.  I am never alone and I appreciate those Angels here on Earth who listen to the promptings of the Spirit and reach out when I need it most. What a wonderful example you are to me.  

I remember being told by several people when my husband passed away how this would help me be stronger and be able to help others who might find themselves in my situation in the future.  I remember feeling frustrated because I was in no shape to help anyone at that time because I could not even overcome my own pain.  But I know now that is exactly what the Lord wants of me.  To know the pain of unimaginable loss so that I can act on his behalf to help others struggling with similar things.  What a humbling thought that is.  I hope to be able to begin to repay my debt to the Lord by heading the promptings of the Spirit and helping to lift others in their time of need.  I hope to be a worthy resource to others who face struggles on their journey.

Even though I am in the middle of my next big trial, I find myself looking back at all the trials that have come before and I feel deep gratitude for them, because they have shaped me into the person I am now.  They have helped me to develop a deep and meaningful relationship with my Savior.  With His help, each trial has prepared me to be the woman, mother, student, teacher and friend that the Lord knows I can be.  I am grateful that my Father in Heaven sees the big picture that is my life and that he so patiently offers his guidance when I falter.  I am so grateful for the gospel in my life.  I am thankful that families can be together forever, for I love my family with all my heart.  I am grateful for my knowledge that this life is truly such a short time when compared to the eternities we have ahead of us.  I know that if we can learn to endure well, and yes, find joy through our adversities, that we will be blessed for it eternally.  I share these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Lifting a Heavy Heart

Wednesday I met my oncologist.  I was planning to hear the best possible news and get on with it.  Instead I was met with confusion and disappointment.  I thought I would be strong and go on my own. I am tough, I've been through worse, ummm, maybe.  The day before I read a quote that said something like, "Being strong is being able to ask for and receive help when you need it."  Hey, I haven't really tried being strong in that way.  I am grateful for that quote and that at the last moment fear struck me and I felt strongly that I needed someone along. I called my friend Kara who was there with me when I got my diagnosis and she had already cleared her schedule for me.  It was truly a blessing to not be alone as I heard foreign terminology and uncertain paths to take. She took notes and helped me understand.

Our plan depends upon the results of some genetic testing I had done at this appointment. It seems I am too young to have developed this kind of cancer all on my own!  With the holidays it could take up to 3 weeks to know for sure if I am genetically predisposed to developing breast and ovarian cancer. If so, the course of treatment is pretty severe and complete.  It left my head spinning.  I left the appointment and drove to the temple and cried.  I didn't want my kids to see me so upset.  I got up the courage to call my Bishop who had asked that I let him know what I learned, got some reassurance and came home, still feeling a bit panicked.  Kara came over and went over the appointment with me again and I felt so much better.  Best case scenario is a lumpectomy and 6 weeks of radiation along with close monitoring in the future. In either situation I will have a complete hysterectomy and will need hormone suppression, since my particular cancer thrives on estrogen.  Yuck, forced menopause without hormone replacement therapy. 

I wanted to be strong and prepared to hear anything.  I wasn't.  And that is okay.  I have to remind myself, its okay to be in shock, to be mourning so many losses right now. It is okay to feel some sorrow and even anger, which has mostly been directed at Richard not being by my side for this.  I mean, really? I don't want to be doing this without him! (Sorry, Richard, I still love you)  (and yes, you better be checking the blog regularly!!)   I am handling this well, in the best way I possibly can right now.  I am feeling optimistic most of the time. I am grateful that no matter what, I get to live. And while it may be a rocky holiday season for us, since they want to move fast when the final word comes in, I will see the other side and I will be stronger and better for it, blah, blah, blah!  :-)

Monday I got in for my uterine biopsy.  I have been in so much pain for so long now it is good to be figuring this out, but I am NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT!!  Last night I woke up from a nightmare in which I was in prison and they were doing the hysterectomy and bilateral mastectomy without putting me out or giving me something for the pain.  I woke up in THAT much pain.  It was awful and I figure my mind is trying to make sense of it all, but prison, really brain, you couldn't have put me on a cruise ship?  Hey brain, its going to be okay!  Trust me on this one!

I continue to watch for blessings and have found some beauties.  My sweet sister sent me a beautiful survivor mug for my hot chocolate.  My sweet class made a giant banner for me the day I missed school to go to my oncologist.  They all signed it and I put it up in my room, to remind myself how loved I am. Like I could ever forget. My bff Lisa, in Oregon sent me an awesome "cancer" binder where I can keep track of everything.  It has been a huge relief since my mind gets foggy sometimes and I don't remember things or can't find things.   I get sweet texts, messages and phone calls from people who love me and that makes me feel so good. 

I am grateful to all of you who have reached out and told me to ask whenever I might need something. This is a huge battle for me, but finally I feel ready to reach out and ask, so I hope you all meant it! Thank you for helping to lift my heavy heart!

Me and my cancer binder, so happy together! 

And So It Begins...

Welcome to the next chapter in the ongoing saga that is my blessed life! No sarcasm intended, truly!  I haven't completely sorted out the last chapter, but that is okay.  I am growing stronger with each trial.  I have learned to focus on the positive and I try to feel gratitude when it gets hard.  Despite the challenges, I know that I am so very blessed.  Life is truly full of miracles. I am finding them daily in my own life!

I felt all summer long that I was not done with serious challenges in my life.  Even as I continued to deal with the emotional fallout from Richard's death, I felt that another trial was coming quickly. I shared that thought with a friend and she laughed at me.  Feeling that maybe I was just being dramatic, I tried to put it out of my mind. However, when I started my new job, I felt strongly that I needed to get myself insurance even though it costs a good portion of my small paycheck.  What a huge blessing that turned out to be.

I went in for routine checkups and learned that there was a reason for my chronic pelvic pain. Fibroids and cysts came up on the ultrasound and it was suggested that a hysterectomy would solve so many of my issues.  I have a uterine biopsy next week. Fun!  Can't wait to see how that goes!  And a hysterectomy is in my future, but on hold for the moment.  I was also sent for a routine mammogram.  I have never had one before, and it wasn't bad at all ladies!  I was called back in for another which was followed by an ultrasound.  What they saw was quite "concerning" so I was invited back for a biopsy.

This all happened incredibly fast. I was alone with my concerns and that has triggered issues with my grieving.  Sadness, anger, and loneliness all came quickly as I struggled to cope with this on my own.  Anyone who knew Richard well knows he took very good care of me when I was ill, pregnant, or emotionally drained.  And here I am trying to take care of myself and my family all by myself while dealing with the grief.  It hasn't been easy. I have felt a little crazy at times. But, one foot in front of the other has gotten me here. And the love, support and encouragement of so many dear people!

Mammograms are easy. Needle biopsies? Not so much.  My second mammogram was on a Friday and the biopsy was the following Monday.  I went to work in the morning, got myself over to the radiologist office and they said they didn't have orders, so we would have to postpone.  I  said, No Way!  Did they not know what it had taken to get myself there that morning? I got on my phone with my Dr's office and within an hour it was all squared away. I was scared and alone, I should never have gone alone, but they were very kind to me and as gentle as sticking a needle through a breast can be. TMI?  Sorry!  I was even given warning that it didn't look good.  Then told results would come Wednesday or Thursday. I went back to work, with a lopsided chest packed with ice.  It was not a fun afternoon and looking back I should have taken the day off, but I need every hour I can get!

Imagine my surprise when I found a message on my phone Tuesday evening saying I needed to come in first thing in the morning.  I knew then it could not be good news.  And since it was after hours I couldn't call back.  I panicked.  I had taken Joseph to cello lessons and had to keep it together until he was done and we could get home.  I didn't want to worry the kids so I said nothing. But every nerve was on high alert and my mind was racing.  I remember Joseph asking me if I was okay.  I said yes.

I reached out to a few friends and my home teacher. My friend Kara came over and went with me to get a blessing.  It was an amazing blessing that reminded me of things said in my patriarchal blessing. It reminded me of the love my Heavenly Father has for me. It helped me feel peace. I still didn't sleep.  In the morning Kara picked me up bright and early and took me to my appointment.  The news was what I was expecting.  Breast cancer. So many questions and not many answers. What a blessing to have Kara along, she took notes and she told me it would be okay when I cried. The good news, it's small and appears to be very treatable.  The bad news, hey its cancer, isn't that bad enough?  But seriously, at the very least some kind of surgery, and perhaps unpleasant treatment.

One glorious blessing I thought of was that I hadn't had insurance for a couple of years. It was suggested that I get a mammogram two years ago, but I couldn't pay for one, so I didn't get one. I am a woman, we put off our own needs all too often!  But, had I done the scan then, there would have been nothing to see. I'd have blown off getting another one for years. And then this cute little cancer inside of me would have turned into a raging teenage cancer, wreaking havoc all over my body.  So yes, in hindsight not having insurance was a good thing! Its all about perspective, right?

I will admit at times I have thought, "Cancer?  Seriously?"  Have I not had enough on my plate for the past few years? And with the holidays! I know there is never a good time to deal with cancer, but this is our first holiday season without Richard.  And now we have this to deal with. But it will all be okay. I have faith that it will.

My kiddos are worried though I told them I am not going anywhere.  Cancer is a scary word, but I also feel blessed that medicine has come so far in the treatment of breast cancer.  I do my best to reassure them, but they have already lost one parent, that fear of losing me will not easily go away. I worry about them all!

People often tell me I am so strong.  I am going to be completely honest with you when I tell you that sometimes I am not.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed, ok, often!  Sometimes I break down and have a good cry. Sometimes I feel like my sanity is slipping.  I have never fully developed the skill of comfortably asking for help or even sharing when I am struggling.  I have tried and failed miserably in the past, so its been hard to pick myself up and try again.  This has been a huge learning experience for me.  I know I cannot do all this alone. I cannot go through surgery and treatment and live up to my mothering standards(which, in all honesty have slipped in the past year).  So I am choosing to share this with the world, because hey world? I AM GOING TO NEED YOU!!  Thank you in advance for taking my calls!!

Already love and support are being freely given.  Friends have offered to help get me to doctor appointments and surgery and treatment.  Several dear new friends have said they would gladly take time off from work to be with me whenever I need them.  That touches my heart deeply, as I have struggled with feeling worthy of such love.  One evening as I was sinking fast, I commented on facebook that I could not get warm. Within 5 minutes a dear friend was here with an electric throw blanket that she said they had picked up for us for Christmas.  Coincidence? No.  I feel loved and I feel warm! 

I am also blessed with friends who have survived their own ordeals with cancer.  My dear friend Lisa has been a lifeline to me, loving me, supporting me and offering wonderful advice that I'd have never thought of on my own.  She and so many others are truly gifts from God.  You have no idea how much it boosts my ability to cope when I read or hear your kind and encouraging words.

Tomorrow is my first meeting with the oncologist.  We will plan the best way possible to wage this war.  I feel ready. I feel strong. It's been a long week since my diagnosis. Waiting for answers is never easy, but it did give me the opportunity to find my way to a healthy emotional place.

So many blessings, so many miracles.  One thing this trial will not do is break me!  Cancer will rue the day it ever set up shop in my left breast!  :-)  I am stronger than ever. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I know my Savior has suffered all that I am going through.  Only he knows my exact feelings.  He comforts me and loves me. He sends me help, through all of you! I pray that this experience will help me be a more kind and patient person, a compassionate and understanding friend, and that it will only draw me nearer to the Lord. I pray that I can be up to the task of helping others as dear ones have helped me in the past and are helping me now.  I hope that I am living my life in such a way that I am making my Heavenly Father proud.  I hope that despite the setbacks, I can be a good example of enduring well to my sweet children!

My Sweet Joseph

Good news, Joseph is not allergic to bee stings. He is so sweet! He said, "it only hurt for a little while, but I feel sorry for the bee, because it died."

Words of Wisdom

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and . . . look for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness . . ., to stay afloat on top of it.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert (quoted in Jeffrey R Holland's devotional last fall here at the University)

Mourning the End of an Era

Tomorrow I start my new job.  I am happy to have this job, very grateful in fact.  It is a perfect introduction into the work force for me, as its been many years since I worked outside the home.  But, I find myself feeling such loss.  I have always been happy being home, I have loved raising my children, I have loved cooking and shopping and budgeting, I have loved making a home for my sweet family.  I find myself feeling this loss, along with a great burden that not only will I need to be able to do these things better than ever, for my children need a strong mother, but I will also need to be the breadwinner, the planner, the leader of our family in every way.  It is a heavy burden to bear at a time when a burden of such deep sadness is upon me.  At church lately there have been so many talks and lessons about the roles of mothers and fathers in the family.  I know that having both a mother and a father in the home is ideal, and how the Lord wants it.  I also know there are many like me who have to take on both roles, who did not choose to be in this position.  One young lady in our ward just turned 16 and her father took her on her first date.  I think this is a beautiful idea.  Still, I came home and cried, because there are some things I just will not be able to do for my children.  And it hurts. It is so not fair to them. At the tender ages of 10 and 13, there is still so much growing up for them to do.

I know I can do this.  I know I will be blessed with the strength to do what I absolutely need to and I hope and pray that when I am not strong enough, "the village" will jump in and give me a hand.  I hope that as I settle into this new routine, my emotions will calm down and I will find myself with new friends, a new outlet and a great feeling of accomplishment.  For now, I just need to get through this week!

Roadtrip...the saga continues

We made it to our ultimate destination, Cherry Hill, right at opening, 10:30.  We got a nice shady spot for our stuff and I am pretty sure we were the first ones in the lazy river. We win, we are the laziest!  It felt so good to relax and just float. The sky was blue, the temperature just right. PERFECTION!

 The reasons we love this lazy river so much are first, because its so wide. Its easy to weave in and out of the crowd.  The kids spent much time maneuvering us to empty spots so we could float more freely. Second, this is not just a lazy river. You float through an old western looking town and every 45 minutes there is a fun little program where the characters break a water main and all heck breaks lose! Water starts shooting out everywhere and its just fun!  Third, because there are so many other things to do,  such as miniature golf, water slides, pools, giant mazes and such, the river does not seem to ever be too full.  Oh, and in the middle of the river, where we choose to set up our base, there are lots of trees and grass, so its comfortable and shady, and a good third of the river is shaded as well. The children and I plan to have a home with a lazy river around it someday.  You will HAVE to come visit us!

The snow cones are one size...HUGE. And they hand you the cup full of shaved ice, which you must then take to the "flavor station" and you pump as much and as many flavors as you want. Pretty cool...and colorful!

I only floated alone while the kids went to try out the water slides.  I missed having Richard to float with.  We always enjoyed floating and talking.  But the kids were awesome when they floated with me. Their joy and enthusiasm is infectious.  Its pretty darn near impossible not to have fun with these two crazy kids! I am so blessed!

By 3 we were ready to head out. Another thing I love about my kids, they don't feel the need to prolong the fun out of a sense of missing out if they quit early. When they get tired they are done. So we are chilling at the hotel for now.  Dinner later, any bets as to whether we will find the  In-n-Out or go to Red Lobster?

End of Summer Roadtrip

Next week its back to school! Where has our summer gone?  Being a super fun, cool, awesome, spontaneous mom(HA, may be lacking a bit of humility), I decided to take the kids on a roadtrip to one of our favorite summer places.  Cherry Hill!  The van is still struggling with short distance trips so it had to be the Jeep.  Two awesome young Jeep guys in my ward, Ben and Jon, came over to help me remove the hard top and attach the sun shade.  There was some minor drama what with missing parts and all, but after watching a YouTube video, I knew what to look for and I DID IT!  My heros were patient with me and stuck it out till the end! Doesn't Jeep look great, and ready for an adventure?

Jeep is very loud on the freeway, and I was a little worried about Joseph in the back with little protection from the wind.  Both kids seem to agree, the van is a far more comfortable ride. But the more I drive Jeep, the more I love it.  Driving the van is kind of a drag!  Yes, to all the men out there, I feel the pain of your sacrifice when it was time to trade in your beloved "fun" vehicle for a family one. So I had an amazing drive to Utah, and the kids endured it well. Joseph stayed wrapped in a blanket most of the journey.  When we arrived,  he informed us that he was only hit in the head with a rock once.  Oops!  I guess that's good news?  To make it up to him we hit the first 7 eleven we could find and got Slurpees!

The wind blowing through your hair is a romantic notion. In actuality hair that is windblown becomes so tangled that it is painful, as in a "just shave it off and start over because it hurts too much to try to comb through it" kind of pain.  I found these great tubular scarves for Annalina and I.  We can wear them as headbands and unroll them once we get up to speed and they cover our hair so it stays nice and smooth.   Plus, just look at us!  We look like cool road warriors!

Got to the hotel an hour early so we hung out in the lounge.  We giggled and had fun together,  like we always do! Yeah, my little people totally rock!

My little people also have expensive taste!  I took them to the Outback for dinner, since it was right next door and my poor deprived babies have never had the pleasure.  They both ordered the Filet Mignon with endless shrimp.(!!!!) They loved it! Here is the thing about my kiddos,  all four of them.  They never expect or feel entitled to anything, and each one of them is so good at expressing gratitude that I love to spoil them when I can, which isn't terribly often, but tonight I could, so I did.  So when I  said order anything, I was thrilled that they both wanted steak and shrimp!   Not so thrilled with the price, but they are worth it to me. And no one does steak like Outback!

Tomorrow we will head to Cherry Hill for some relaxing lazy river floating.  This is a place with strong memories of Richard,  so I hope and pray that will be a positive thing for our family and that I am not about to drag us through some emotional turmoil.  But I feel good about it!

Stargazing

One of the earlier dates Richard and I went on was out to a lake long after dark to watch the Perseid Meteor shower.  Living in Oregon we didn't get to see it each year, but when the weather cooperated, it became a family tradition to find a place away from the city lights and watch the show!  We continued that tradition here in Idaho, but we never even have to leave our yard to see the meteors.

This year I debated whether to bring it up with the kids or not.  Definitely an activity with strong memories of Richard.  But I  decided to ask them how they felt about it and we decided together that we would have fun, so on the 12th, we took blankets out in the yard and laid on the grass and watched a spectacular show.  It was truly magical. I loved listening to the kids discuss what they know about the universe and our place in it.  It was breezy so after an hour we went in to bed.

The next night was calmer so we decided to watch again.  This time the kids got sleeping bags and they stayed toasty!  Jacob even came out to watch for a while before his graveyard shift began.

It felt good to stick with our traditions and to find peace and contentment through them. It would be easy to dwell on the one missing from the experience, but instead I choose to be very grateful for what I am still blessed with.  Beautiful children who make me laugh, who make me feel such deep joy.  Life is good and the Lord loves each of us so much.

Cello Guy

Well its official, he's going to be a piano guy...umm, no, a cello guy!!

Oregon Highlights

Climbing My Mountain

I love the talk, Mountains to Climb, by President Eyring.  I have always felt strengthened by the message that without "mountains" in our lives, we cannot grow into the person our Heavenly Father knows we can be.  I don't know my full potential, but He does.  I have to trust that each trial I face in this life will refine me.

As is true for everyone, I have faced many very tall mountains throughout my life, but none so steep as the one I am on now.  Each day is a struggle to keep moving up, rather than letting myself slide down to the bottom.  My faith helps keep me on track.  I recently had a talk with my Bishop where I admitted I had fallen far down my mountain, and I was just too tired to progress any further.  Being a wise man, he pointed out that perspective is key. He told me I had not fallen down the mountain, perhaps I had only slipped and skinned my knees, but that I was still holding fast to my hard fought place on my mountain.  He recommended I not look up or down, but rather that I look out.  That I should see how high I had climbed, and that I enjoy the view.  This mountain analogy is always with me.  At times in the past I had found myself near the top, only to find another peak to conquer.  Being my best friend,  Richard was always there to encourage me, to pull me up and to steady me when I felt weak.  I tried to do the same for him.  Now I feel so alone at times.  I can't just roll over to face my love and tell him what is troubling me, I cannot ask his advice any time day or night.  I miss that. Richard was compassionate and understanding. He always tried to see things from my perspective and then show me another perspective.  He gave me great advice. He had learned just how to offer it, and I had learned how to accept it. He was like a security blanket, helping me feel warm and safe.  At times I now feel that I am walking on a tightrope without my ever present, kind and loving safety net. 

I could allow myself to feel the injustice of what I have lost.  It is not fair that I have to go forward without my companion. That I have to do it all alone.  But I have chosen to view this as a great opportunity.  I am developing a close relationship with my Savior.  I cannot talk to my husband to get advice, but I can pray to the Lord anytime.  When things seem uncertain, I don't have to feel fear. I can trust that the Lord will guide me.  I know that He is aware of me and my children.  I know that only He understands the sorrow and loneliness that I feel.  I know that He will not let me down.  I, in turn, will strive to not let Him down. I wonder if this deep relationship would be possible if my husband was here.  Please don't misunderstand, I loved the Lord even when my husband was here. But I never had to rely on him fully before.  I was slowly developing the ability to rely on Him, through struggles that Richard and I have had over the years.  But what I am experiencing now is a crash course in learning to depend on the Lord.  Though I cannot say I am grateful for these exact circumstances, I am grateful for the direction it has given me.  I truly can say I am grateful for the years of heartache and struggle that led me to have a testimony of the Gospel and my Savior.  I know so many people turn away from the Lord when times get hard, as if they somehow justify blaming Him.  I am grateful for the desire I have found to run into His arms, rather than turn away.  Who else could more perfectly comfort me? 

Am I okay?  Am I over it?  Do I feel peace and happiness all the time now?  NO!  I still struggle deeply and I have times where I question myself. Sometimes the sadness is overpowering.  Is that the Lord turning his back on me?  No, not at all. That is me, needing to learn and grow, maybe someday I will have learned sufficiently.  I have talked before about the need we have to feel the pain for a time, so we can better understand the power and miracle of the atonement.  I have fallen into the depths of despair, but I always come out on the other side and I know the full measure of the burden that has been taken from me.  What a blessing this is to me.  I am so grateful for my mountains, even at times when I can't help but think of the steep climb, the muddy spots, the seemingly impassable sections.  In the end I know that I can and will climb my mountain and at the top, the beautiful view, the peace, joy and love that awaits me, will all be worth it.

As I have mentioned before, I love going out in the Jeep.  I wanted to learn how to put it into 4 wheel drive and I wanted to take it up a mountain.  But I didn't want to do it alone.  My Bishop and his sweet family came over early one Saturday and allowed us to follow them up a mountain trail to Relay Ridge, a favorite spot for my family when Richard was with us.  Joseph came with me.  I was excited, I was nervous, but I was ready!  Part way up, the Bishop's Jeep had a mechanical issue and he had to take my Jeep to get a part.  What a blessing in disguise! Joseph and I waited on the mountain trail with Angela and her daughter.   The weather was perfect. We had an incredible view and we had fun talking.  When my Jeep got back, Angela and I, along with our kids, headed up the mountain.  The view was incredible at the top, 360 degrees!  The Tetons were right there!  It was an amazing feeling to have made it to the top!  I had taken some smooth rocks up the mountain with me. I had written on each rock an emotion I wanted to leave on the mountain, things like guilt, fear, weakness, doubt. Joseph helped me arrange my stones in a small pile and there they stayed.  I came down the mountain that day feeling lighter and more capable than I have felt in a long time.  I am grateful for people who are willing to help me accomplish my goals and even encourage it. It is so hard to ask for help, but I am learning to allow myself to need others.

A beautiful place to be stuck for a couple hours! 

Heading up!

 

Me and my Jeeping buddy!

 

Cave Falls and Horsehoe Lake, Mom-style

Me:  Kids, I am home!
Kids: Where were you? I thought you were just going to the bank!
Me:  Well, when Jeep and I run errands, we often find ourselves out in the middle of nowhere. Wanna come along next time?
Kids: Yeah!

So we left bright and early at 9am.  You can only leave as early as your sleepiest teenager allows...

We first went to Cave Falls. It was beautiful and we had the falls to ourselves.  We wiggled our toes in the water, but it was as cold as the Oregon ocean!  We climbed around on the rocks.  We had fun then took off again. We were going to try to find Sheep Falls, but it wasn't well marked and there were lots of turn offs, and we really could not see anything due to the flocks of sheep falling down the mountain...heehee, just kidding!  We decided next time we'd take a map along.  We are adventurous, but we aren't crazy!  Ok, maybe just a little bit. Our next stop was Horseshoe Lake.

The lake was gorgeous. We threw rocks, waded in the water and then we got an amazing treat when a big bald eagle flew over the lake.  It landed at the top of a tree and sat there looking around for a while. It was so majestic!  We watched it for about 10 minutes, then it took flight again and headed back the way it came.  It was the highlight of our day!  On our way out I went through a huge puddle and water sprayed all over the Jeep.  The kids laughed and squealed.

I love off-roading with the kiddos.  We have plenty of time together to talk. We laugh and play and we see amazing things. We dream of the future and we just enjoy our time together.

Happy 21st Birthday Jacob!

Today Jacob turned 21!  We celebrated at Big Judd's in Ashton.  Jacob ordered a HUGE burger with two pounds of meat, giant onion rings and probably a whole pound of bacon!  Did he finish it?  No, but he probably ate 1/3 of it.  Guess what he will be having for lunch tomorrow!!

The theme of the day was Zelda, one of Jacob's favorite games.

Adventures with Adrienne

On Adrienne's last full day here, we took off for some adventuring in the Jeep!  We started out at Monkey Rock.  When Adrienne took the kids this winter, there was no water running at all. They walked right up to the rock for photos.  Today the water was running full blast and the kids had a blast playing in it!  I loved sitting in the sun watching my kiddos have so much fun together.  Next time I will go in with them!

Next we found another fun place Adrienne had gone to with her photography class. Nice shallow water to play in!!