Welcome to the next chapter in the ongoing saga that is my blessed life! No sarcasm intended, truly! I haven't completely sorted out the last chapter, but that is okay. I am growing stronger with each trial. I have learned to focus on the positive and I try to feel gratitude when it gets hard. Despite the challenges, I know that I am so very blessed. Life is truly full of miracles. I am finding them daily in my own life!
I felt all summer long that I was not done with serious challenges in my life. Even as I continued to deal with the emotional fallout from Richard's death, I felt that another trial was coming quickly. I shared that thought with a friend and she laughed at me. Feeling that maybe I was just being dramatic, I tried to put it out of my mind. However, when I started my new job, I felt strongly that I needed to get myself insurance even though it costs a good portion of my small paycheck. What a huge blessing that turned out to be.
I went in for routine checkups and learned that there was a reason for my chronic pelvic pain. Fibroids and cysts came up on the ultrasound and it was suggested that a hysterectomy would solve so many of my issues. I have a uterine biopsy next week. Fun! Can't wait to see how that goes! And a hysterectomy is in my future, but on hold for the moment. I was also sent for a routine mammogram. I have never had one before, and it wasn't bad at all ladies! I was called back in for another which was followed by an ultrasound. What they saw was quite "concerning" so I was invited back for a biopsy.
This all happened incredibly fast. I was alone with my concerns and that has triggered issues with my grieving. Sadness, anger, and loneliness all came quickly as I struggled to cope with this on my own. Anyone who knew Richard well knows he took very good care of me when I was ill, pregnant, or emotionally drained. And here I am trying to take care of myself and my family all by myself while dealing with the grief. It hasn't been easy. I have felt a little crazy at times. But, one foot in front of the other has gotten me here. And the love, support and encouragement of so many dear people!
Mammograms are easy. Needle biopsies? Not so much. My second mammogram was on a Friday and the biopsy was the following Monday. I went to work in the morning, got myself over to the radiologist office and they said they didn't have orders, so we would have to postpone. I said, No Way! Did they not know what it had taken to get myself there that morning? I got on my phone with my Dr's office and within an hour it was all squared away. I was scared and alone, I should never have gone alone, but they were very kind to me and as gentle as sticking a needle through a breast can be. TMI? Sorry! I was even given warning that it didn't look good. Then told results would come Wednesday or Thursday. I went back to work, with a lopsided chest packed with ice. It was not a fun afternoon and looking back I should have taken the day off, but I need every hour I can get!
Imagine my surprise when I found a message on my phone Tuesday evening saying I needed to come in first thing in the morning. I knew then it could not be good news. And since it was after hours I couldn't call back. I panicked. I had taken Joseph to cello lessons and had to keep it together until he was done and we could get home. I didn't want to worry the kids so I said nothing. But every nerve was on high alert and my mind was racing. I remember Joseph asking me if I was okay. I said yes.
I reached out to a few friends and my home teacher. My friend Kara came over and went with me to get a blessing. It was an amazing blessing that reminded me of things said in my patriarchal blessing. It reminded me of the love my Heavenly Father has for me. It helped me feel peace. I still didn't sleep. In the morning Kara picked me up bright and early and took me to my appointment. The news was what I was expecting. Breast cancer. So many questions and not many answers. What a blessing to have Kara along, she took notes and she told me it would be okay when I cried. The good news, it's small and appears to be very treatable. The bad news, hey its cancer, isn't that bad enough? But seriously, at the very least some kind of surgery, and perhaps unpleasant treatment.
One glorious blessing I thought of was that I hadn't had insurance for a couple of years. It was suggested that I get a mammogram two years ago, but I couldn't pay for one, so I didn't get one. I am a woman, we put off our own needs all too often! But, had I done the scan then, there would have been nothing to see. I'd have blown off getting another one for years. And then this cute little cancer inside of me would have turned into a raging teenage cancer, wreaking havoc all over my body. So yes, in hindsight not having insurance was a good thing! Its all about perspective, right?
I will admit at times I have thought, "Cancer? Seriously?" Have I not had enough on my plate for the past few years? And with the holidays! I know there is never a good time to deal with cancer, but this is our first holiday season without Richard. And now we have this to deal with. But it will all be okay. I have faith that it will.
My kiddos are worried though I told them I am not going anywhere. Cancer is a scary word, but I also feel blessed that medicine has come so far in the treatment of breast cancer. I do my best to reassure them, but they have already lost one parent, that fear of losing me will not easily go away. I worry about them all!
People often tell me I am so strong. I am going to be completely honest with you when I tell you that sometimes I am not. Sometimes I am overwhelmed, ok, often! Sometimes I break down and have a good cry. Sometimes I feel like my sanity is slipping. I have never fully developed the skill of comfortably asking for help or even sharing when I am struggling. I have tried and failed miserably in the past, so its been hard to pick myself up and try again. This has been a huge learning experience for me. I know I cannot do all this alone. I cannot go through surgery and treatment and live up to my mothering standards(which, in all honesty have slipped in the past year). So I am choosing to share this with the world, because hey world? I AM GOING TO NEED YOU!! Thank you in advance for taking my calls!!
Already love and support are being freely given. Friends have offered to help get me to doctor appointments and surgery and treatment. Several dear new friends have said they would gladly take time off from work to be with me whenever I need them. That touches my heart deeply, as I have struggled with feeling worthy of such love. One evening as I was sinking fast, I commented on facebook that I could not get warm. Within 5 minutes a dear friend was here with an electric throw blanket that she said they had picked up for us for Christmas. Coincidence? No. I feel loved and I feel warm!
I am also blessed with friends who have survived their own ordeals with cancer. My dear friend Lisa has been a lifeline to me, loving me, supporting me and offering wonderful advice that I'd have never thought of on my own. She and so many others are truly gifts from God. You have no idea how much it boosts my ability to cope when I read or hear your kind and encouraging words.
Tomorrow is my first meeting with the oncologist. We will plan the best way possible to wage this war. I feel ready. I feel strong. It's been a long week since my diagnosis. Waiting for answers is never easy, but it did give me the opportunity to find my way to a healthy emotional place.
So many blessings, so many miracles. One thing this trial will not do is break me! Cancer will rue the day it ever set up shop in my left breast! :-) I am stronger than ever. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I know my Savior has suffered all that I am going through. Only he knows my exact feelings. He comforts me and loves me. He sends me help, through all of you! I pray that this experience will help me be a more kind and patient person, a compassionate and understanding friend, and that it will only draw me nearer to the Lord. I pray that I can be up to the task of helping others as dear ones have helped me in the past and are helping me now. I hope that I am living my life in such a way that I am making my Heavenly Father proud. I hope that despite the setbacks, I can be a good example of enduring well to my sweet children!
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