Domestic Violence - Personal Perspective

Why is domestic violence such a private phenomenon and why do its victims feel such shame because of it?  I am truly trying to understand this.  A woman or man for that matter is abused/injured/belittled by one they love and yet the initial reaction of the victim is to protect that person.  Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to cast blame in one direction or another.  I was in such a situation for many years myself and I wish I fully understood the psychology of an abusive relationship.  A friend was murdered by her estranged husband earlier this week.  I am devastated for her family, especially the three children she leaves behind, but also her parents and her brothers and sisters.  She touched so many lives.  She was a Nurse Administrator here locally and I have thought of her often as I have worked to continue my education.  The last time I saw her, a couple of years ago, she gave me such wonderful words of encouragement.  I have been a mess thinking of this dear woman whom I have nothing but love and respect for.  It is like a locked part of my brain has opened and a flood of memories is pouring out.  It takes me back to a hot August night almost 15 years ago.  It was sweltering in the old home I lived in.  All the doors and windows were locked tight.  Despite the heat I did not dare turn on a fan or the old window A/C unit we had for fear that I would not hear the slightest sound of trouble coming.  I think that may be the only time in my life where I truly feared for my own life. I lay there imagining the end of my life.  But I did not call the police.  Instead, in my exhausted state, I struggled to stay awake all night, hoping that the light of dawn would bring with it some kind of comfort and relief.

My marriage had been in trouble for a while.  Eric, my husband at the time, and I could barely have a conversation without it escalating into an argument.  I think we both saw the end coming, but neither of us knew what to do about it.  We had a silent agreement, one that had been reached earlier in our marriage.  When my first daughter Adrienne was only 9 months old he nearly killed me.  I don't even remember what happened that caused this violence to erupt, but I had retreated to my daughters room and he followed me in and I remember thinking had I been a little weaker at that time, he would have killed me right there in front of her.  He certainly had the strength and the rage to do it.  Somehow I got away, grabbed my baby and locked myself in the bathroom.  He kicked the door several times, putting holes in it and told me to open the door or he would kill me.  I believed him.  So I opened the door.  Seeing our daughter crying in my arms seemed to have a calming effect on him and he left.  At the time he had two best friends. One was a police officer, the other a drug addict.  I thought he was going to his police officer friend and getting help, but instead chose the other.  When he came home we did not discuss what had happened, but later in the week, I was somehow strong enough to make it clear that if he EVER hurt me again or my daughter, that would be the end. He would have to leave immediately and there would be no question that the marriage was over.  We both lived together many more years with this agreement between us, though it was never spoken of again.  At the time I don't think I ever told a soul about this. If we were going to stay married, I did not want people thinking bad things about my husband.  I felt this insane need to protect the man who had tried to kill me. I felt so much shame about this incident.  I was still so young, not yet 20 years old.  Here was a man who had manipulated me, isolated me and controlled me for the past few years of my life.  I did not want to have to admit to anyone else that I was so weak, that I had let this happen to me.

Fast forward to the last day he lived in our home.  Some kind of disagreement we had pushed him over the edge and right there in the kitchen, in front of our children, he once again became violent, knocking me to the ground and hitting me continuously.  I will forever be grateful that it was me and only me he focused his rage on.  But there it was, we both knew he had to leave and after some empty apologies and promises it would never happen again, he did leave. So that was it, our marriage was over.  I called my sister Megan, who quickly drove out to my home in Forest Grove to be sure I was OK.  There was not a lot to say, but she was there for me and she was the one who let my family know what was going on. I was far too ashamed to talk to anyone else about it.  After she left I locked everything up, which was pointless since he still had his key, and called a domestic violence hotline. I remember the woman who answered was very kind and asked if I was in any immediate danger.  I told her no and she suggested I call the police anyway. But his best friend was still on the force and I did not have any kind of faith that they could or would help me.  I put my sweet children to bed and though I was hot and sweaty and in terrible pain, I did not shower.  I was sure I would come out to find my children gone.  It was dark and I laid down in my bed in the sweltering heat and listened to every sound.  My parents were out of town at the time and I seriously thought about going to stay in their home.  It is hard to believe I actually worried he would find us there and the last thing I wanted was for my parents to come home and find me dead in their home.  The anger, hatred and rage I saw in his eyes that evening left no doubt that he could snap and come back and there was little I could do to stop him.

Thinking back on this, I feel incredibly ridiculous for not calling the police.  I could have requested someone else come to my house rather than his friend to take the report, but really, short of posting someone outside my door, what would that have done anyway?  I should have done more to be sure my children were safe, but I honestly did not imagine he would hurt the kids.  Many times in the years after he left I feared he could snap and come take it out on me.  I am blessed that this has never happened to me, but it does happen. It happened to Cindy. Her plans for a new life in Las Vegas next month will never happen and it breaks my heart!

Why is it that so often in these situations, where one spouse kills the other after the break-up, no one has seen it coming?  Why are these things kept so private?  I remember a month or so after this last violent experience, I took Jacob in for an appointment with his doctor because I was worried about his development. In the normal course of questions the doctor asked about any violence witnessed in the home and I did tell him what had happened.  I remember how angry my ex-husband got when he went in to see the doctor the next month and knew by his demeanor that he knew about the violence.  He actually asked me, very angrily, if I had told the doctor, as if it was not my place to be spreading stories about our marriage. I remember he angrily announced he would have to find another doctor.  And this was not something I went out and shared with everyone. It was still humiliating to me that I had let myself be injured, not once, but twice.  Looking back now I feel good that I was strong enough that twice was all it took, but at the time I never considered the years of emotional abuse.  But had I been hurt day after day, why should I have felt shame about it?  Why is it that as women we cannot say, "I am married to an immature JERK, who cannot control his emotions and who feels it is ok to hit/kick/strangle the person he has promised to love and take care of"?  Instead we wonder what we have done to bring this upon ourselves and we feel we have to hide it from the world. What can be done to help girls growing up today to recognize that this is not acceptable behavior in a marriage and that it can and should be shared with anyone who will listen? I am editing this post to include that as my friend just pointed out to me, how can we raise sons who are emotionally secure enough to find healthier ways to deal with their anger?

I have never openly shared this story in its entirety. But I have learned that sometimes, in sharing our own experiences, we can help others see that they are not alone. Perhaps by sharing my story of an abusive relationship, I can actually help change how others view domestic violence, whether it is there own experience, or that of someone they love.

Happy Anniversary!

Today Richard and I have been married for 12 years!  During that time we have had incredible highs and unbelievably painful lows.  At times we have been tried and tested more than I thought it possible to bear.  But here we are, stronger than ever.  I love my husband despite any weaknesses and shortcomings and I know he overlooks all of mine.  He is my best friend and I love him so much!  Life is an adventure and there is no one else I'd rather experience it with!  Happy Anniversary Richard!!

A Father's Letter To His Daughters

This post is a copy of a letter Dad wrote to us girls that Megan found and posted on her blog. I want this to be part of my own family history, so I am adding it to my own blog. It is so very important for me that my children remember their grandfather.  He is such an amazing man!

 

Dear Friends and Family, I found this letter my Dad had written to us, his children, a number of years ago. 

I love reading it and hearing his voice.  This week is a tough one with moving him into an assisted care home and I hope those of you who LOVE my Father will enjoy reading his words.  This is a very personal post and I sincerely hope it will be respected and loved with the same amount of respect and love he delivered it us. 

We love you Dad

Feb. 14, 1999

To all of my children:
For over a year now I have been feeling that I should put down on paper some of my feelings and thoughts as a way of sharing with you something of a lasting nature. Since my mom passed I have thought many times how much I would love to have some of her advice and counsel or just have her near. I miss her so very much. I have also been impressed that I should let you know some of the things that I know that I am sure I have told you before, but that I want recorded for future reference by you. I hope that you will keep this letter and refer to it from time to time and that maybe it will give you some guidance and direction and comfort over the years of your life. This is not something I am doing because I think I am not going to be around much longer. Who knows what life will bring each of us? That is one of the joys and excitement of life. But I do believe that when are together, we rarely take the opportunity to talk about the serious side of life and so this is my way of giving you some of my feelings and experiences.

I love each of you so very, very much. It is amazing to me how much love I have for each of you and how tender my feelings are. Now that you are all out on your own, mom and I are every bit as concerned for you as we were when we were raising you, maybe even more so because we are not part of your everyday lives. I am constantly amazed at how fast the time of life goes by. We have just celebrated our 30th anniversary of married life, well over half a lifetime so far for us and I honestly do not know where the time has gone. As you live life, there are so many day to day things that seem so vital and so important and seem to have such a major impact on what we do or how we act, but when you get the perspective of looking back over more than 50 years of life, you get a much clearer realization of what is and what is not important.

I have recently begun writing my life's history and in my mind reliving the 53 years plus that I have lived on this earth. What a fun trip it has been thus far remembering the early days of my life at home with my parents.  So many things come to mind that stand out in my life, but I really remember a lot of love.  I hope each of you have good memories of your years in our family as well.  I k now everything was not always perfect, but I remember so many great times and those are the ones I hold so dear.

As I write the things that I think will be most beneficial to you, please take them for what they are, advice from your father.  Think about what I have written, and every so often, please take a few moments to pull this letter out and reflect anew on what I have left with you.  This is a letter that I hope will not be read once and discarded, but will be kept and referred to often.  You all have such long lives ahead of you and this will serve to give you the voice of your father at any time during your life.  Try out some of the things that I have discovered that have made me happy in my life and some of the principles that I use to give my life meaning.

I guess the first thing I would like you to know is that life has so much to offer.  There are wonderful highs and anguishing lows, but the majority of our lives are spent evenly and there is so much joy in just  living day to day.  No matter how high the highs get or how low the lows are, they pass into every day happiness at just being alive.  I have been through some heights of happiness and the depths of despair.  I have shed tears of joy and tears of sadness.  I have been so totally, emotionally spent that I have had nothing left in me for a time.  Interestingly enough, the joy and happiness become treasured memories to be relived and reflected upon, whereas the sadness and despair and the impact of the sorrow they bring fade away and are filed into an area of forgetfulness only to be remembered as part of our experience and, while we are so distraught as we go through hard times, I have found that this too shall pass.

I love life.  I have come to find out that life is only what we make of it.  Attitude and the way we approach things has everything to do with how happy we are.  We actually choose to be happy and positive or down and negative in what ever situation we find ourselves.  I have seen individuals in such desperate, almost hopeless, situations who keep such a positive outlook and are so happy with life.  In the long run, and if you can, try to step back and look at all things from a detached point of view.  Do not get too wrapped up in feeling sorry for yourself or feeling like the world is against you.  If you put that energy into solving your problems and looking for solutions you will almost always find it's not so bad and that you can overcome anything.

One of the great principles I live by and one that I gain a lot of satisfaction out of is being responsible.  Whether it is in the home, in the church, in the neighborhood or in the community.  I have found that anything I can do to make it better gives me a great deal of personal gratification.  I hope you all have felt the satisfaction that comes from going the extra step to see something all the way through; from doing more than is required just because it is the right thing to do; from putting for the extra effort because of the inner pride that you have to do more than just the basic requirements.  I guess that is one reason that we have always been so frustrated when rooms were not kept clean or tings were not put back after being used.  I suspect that I was not perfect in that area as I grew up, but it is something that is so important and gives me such a good feeling about myself, that it is a lesson worth living.  Do not be afraid of working and helping.  Some of the fondest memories I have are projects that we worked on together as a family.  It gives you such an opportunity to accomplish a common goal, build relationships and to have fun.

One things I can say as I examine my life is that I truly love giving service to others.  I believe I got that trait from my mom and dad.  My mother always served the members of our family and would do anything for us.  My father was great at giving service to others and always got us involved whenever he could.  Putting others first lifts the soul and gives you such a wonderful feeling.  I remember taking you girls with me whenever I could so you could be exposed to the concept of service, and of course, I always enjoyed your company.  I have enjoyed watching each of you make an extra effort to serve your sisters at one time or another.  Service should start in the home and eventually it will find its way into all parts of life and bring with it much happiness.

One thing that has always been very important to me is righteousness and morality.  As I look around the world today, it is quite obvious that one of the most important values I have held so very dear is under very heavy attack.  Through the use of media the moral fibers that hold life and relationships together have become very weak.  Things we see in commercials now would not have been allowed on TV even late nights when I was growing up.  The important thing of each of you is to spend some quiet time alone coming to a determination as to what your personal values really are.  Do not be influenced by what is going on around you or by your current circumstances.  Do not try to fit your values to anything but what is important to you.  Be true to yourself as you lay out a patter that will bring you happiness and fulfillment.  Write your values down and refer to them often.  Life your lives to correspond with your values.

One thing I know I have been truly blessed with in my life is knowledge that my  Heavenly Father lives and is aware of me and that my brother, our Savior, did in fact live and did in fact pay the price for my sins.  There is a greater plan than just this life.  We do live an eternal life predicated upon what we do in this life.  The knowledge and testimony of this has been developing over my entire life and is still developing.  I have not always lived as I should have lived with the knowledge that I have been given, but each day my life comes into focus a little clear and I am more determined to follow that path that lead to eternal joy.  When I was your age, I knew what was right, but I was not totally committed to it.  Through my life's experiences, I have become more committed.  Mary and I have always tried to set a good example for each of and to teach you correct principles and I believe we have done a pretty good job of it.  I have been with each of you at times when you have had spiritual experiences and you have felt the influence of the spirit in your life.  There may have been things that have happened in your that have pulled you away from the ability to enjoy the comfort and peace that the spiritual side of life can give you, but one of the most important things I have learned in my life is that each day, each hour, each minute give a chance to change directions of we want to.  We are never locked into anything in our lives that can not be changed.  I know, because I have made many changes in my life and I am sure I will make many more.  Life is an evolving process that allows us to grow and we are the ones responsible for ourselves.

May I just give you a little advice about finances.  One of the most difficult pressures that can put on you in life is the lack of adequate funds to meet your needs.  The anxiety of financial needs can cause a lot of damage to you personally and to your relationships.  I have been blessed because I have had a good education and have always had good employment, but even so, I have had times when it has been difficult to make ends meet.  I know each of you have struggled at times as well.   My best advice is:  Do not live beyond your means.  It is so easy to get credit and get in over your head.  Be very careful how you  manage your funds.  Get in the habit of spending less than you make.  Not only that, but get in the habit of saving something from everything you make.  Success and financial security will come to those who plan and make the effort to control their spending.  Putting a little away at your age will grow into a large amount for your retirement.  That is something I did not do and wish that I had.  Only lately have we been really putting money away.

Each of you are so different, yet each of you have such great personalities and are so enjoyable to be around.  Take some time to develop your talents.  If you can, always see to it that you have a little time to yourselves each day and then use that time doing something that you want to do.  I realize this will not always be possible and there will be times when others will need to come first, but even if it is just reading for a few minutes before you close your eyes at night, take the time.  Learn to be happy with yourself.  You are all very good children.  Make sure you realize what really special spirits you are.  You have been given much and have much to give.  Remember your legacy and the heritage of your family.  Take the time to think about where you are headed and where you would like to be going.  In other words, lay out a plan for your  life.  It is amazing where this life will lead if we have our own road map and plan.  The beauty of this life is that you can begin down any road you want at any time you want.  There is always a way.

When you have some time, get to know your grandparents a little better.  Read their histories and take the time to write down what you can remember about them.  All four of them are wonderful people that have had some truly great experiences.  They lived during a different time than you for the most part, but the values they treasured and held so dear are still very applicable today.  They have given you a wonderful heritage and left you with a great legacy.

I have learned how important it is to enjoy the little things in life.  Just today I watched a couple enjoy a little baby during church, just watching her smile and move around.  Nothing earth shattering and yet the  love there expressed was very striking.  I think of how quickly those treasured moments pass.  I remember very clearly each of you has a young child and how quickly you developed into young women.  Time can never be recaptured, so enjoy each and every moment that you can, especially with your children.

These are the things I believe:
I believe there is a Heavenly Father who is very aware of each of His children and loves them each very much and wants to help us if we will but let Him.
I believe that we have a brother, even Jesus Christ, who did atone for our sins and has made it possible for us to return to our Heavenly Parents.
I believe that we are literal spiritual sons and daughters of Heavenly Parents.
I believe that we have a living prophet on the earth today.
I believe that the family is so important and that we are a unit that has been bound together by the power of the Priesthood in the temple.
I believe we are here on this earth to be tested and that we are  tested and that we each have the power to overcome anything if we desire it.
I believe that each of us is responsible for our own actions and our own way of life.
I believe the truth is the truth and does not change even though it may fall out of popularity or may be ignored by  most of the world. 
I believe that the basic human spirit is good and there is goodness in everyone.
I believe we are here to  lighten the burden of one another and that service to others is repaid to us many times over in our lives and brings us joy.
I believe that standing for truth and right is a noble and wonderful opportunity for us to impact the lives of others in a positive way and to feel good about ourselves.
I believe that as we are entrusted with little spirits that come directly from our Heavenly Fathers presence we have an obligation to love them, nourish them and teach them and to let them teach us.
I believe that we can feel the spirit in our lives and that we can gain direction for it.
I believe that we have been blessed with a beautiful world to live in and that the birds and animals are here for our enjoyment.
I believe each of us has our own challenges and obstacles in life, but that we can overcome them; the power is within us.
I believe that life was meant to be a wonderful, happy experience for us and that it can be if we keep everything in its proper perspective.
I believe that we can find happiness where ever we are and in everything we do.
I believe in love and am thankful for the love of my life and the life we get to share together.
I believe in each one of your girls and in your divine nature.

I love you  more than I can ever express.

Love,
Dad

Mother's Day Magic

 My dear sister Megan came up with a fabulous idea for celebrating Mother's Day.  She and her family love Hug Point on the Oregon Coast and decided to spend the day there!  She invited us along. I was so excited because neither Richard nor my older kids have ever been and getting to spend an entire day with her and her family was just to exciting to turn down. So I told her we were definitely in!  We got up in the morning and headed out. It was a beautiful day!  We explored, ate lunch, relaxed, watched the kids have hours of fun...it was the perfect day!!  We even took Gidget along since we know our time with her is limited.  She liked walking in the sand and barking at EVERY other dog on the beach. We headed over to the Tillamook Cheese Factory for ice cream cones before heading home.  It was the perfect end to a perfect day!  I just love Megan and her family and am so glad we got to spend the day together in such a beautiful place!

Cute cousins...built themselves a sand sofa!

 

 

 

 

The beautiful Conser family!!

My Dad

It is three o'clock in the morning and I cannot sleep.  My Father is on my mind and as I am thinking about him and how he has changed over the past few years, I am crying.  I miss my Dad so much.  Friday my husband and I will be taking him to his new home at Avamere Care Center.  It is not going to be easy and part of me is afraid of what will happen.  Another part of me is honored to be able to be there for him at such a difficult time.  I don't know if being there will help, or if he will forever be angry with me. He will not be happy about this change, but I am so grateful I can be there with him to try to help with the transition as much as I can.

But I am so very sad right now.  I thought the best thing to do is preserve some of my favorite memories of my Dad in my blog so that my children can know a little of what their grandfather was like.  I am so grateful that my older children got a chance to know him and that they have had such a close relationship with him.  But it breaks my heart that my two youngest will never know him in that way!

Dad, I love you so much. I know you will never read this and if I tell you, you will not remember, but I need to say it anyway.  Your love and support got me through some dark times in my life.  Thank you for being there for me!

 Before "take your child to work day" existed, my Dad would take me to work with him.  I got to play with his ten key machine.  I would snuggle up on the sofa in his office and read for hours.  The secretaries would take me with them on their breaks and we would go get muffins and hot chocolate.  Dad would take me to lunch.  He would get all the employees on the floor to bring their pennies to his office so I could see if there were any I needed for my penny collection.   I loved going to work with Dad.

Dad  sometimes took me on business trips with him. Once I went to Las Vegas with him.  He ended up missing a meeting to take me and another "travel daughter" to Circus Circus.  That was such a fun trip!

My Dad was an accountant and when we lived in Oregon before moving to Utah, he worked for a place called Discount Fabrics.  I was really young when we moved  to Utah and had no idea what an accountant was.  I remember someone's mom asking me what my Dad did for a living and I said he was a clothing designer!  I remember telling him about it and he just laughed!!

Dad coached my soccer team when I was in grade school. He was going to be the assistant coach, but the actual coach quit before we even got started, so my Dad took over. We wore green shirts and called ourselves the grasshoppers.  I don't remember winning much, but we had a great time.  He was a fun coach!

My Dad often got really good Utah Jazz tickets from work and we loved to go together.  When the Trailblazers came to town, we sometimes cheered for them because I felt bad that no one else was cheering them on.

My grade school was doing a fundraiser and we were supposed to collect pop cans for our classroom.  My friend and I went around the whole neighborhood one evening and no one gave us any cans.  We found a tuna fish can and put it in our bag, not realizing it was not aluminum.  I guess Dad felt bad for us because the next day he brought home a huge bag of empty soda cans from work. It was a dream come true to be able to take that many in to my classroom!  I think we won the competition that year!

Once I had the stomach flu and had been miserable for a couple of days.  My mom wanted me to take some Pepto, but I knew it would only make me throw up again.  Mom got frustrated with me when I would not take it, but Dad came to my rescue.  He sat with me and comforted me for a while.  I think we watched a movie together.

One year I was sick on Halloween.  I had to stay home while the other sisters went out trick-or-treating.  I was so sad and my Dad felt bad for me.  At around 8:30 he took me around the neighborhood and since it was getting late, the people were dumping their bowls of candy into my jack-o-lantern!   I got a ton of candy!  And I felt so special to be out, just me and my Dad!

When we moved back to Oregon in the mid-80's my Dad started an accounting business up on his own. I had always thought he had purchased someone else's firm, but learned a few years back that the sale never worked out, so he started his own business.  He worked for himself and after tax season he always had more time for fun, so on the first nice day in May he would get all of us girls out of school and take us to the beach for the day. It was always beautiful and sunny and we always had the beach to ourselves because it was a school day!  We LOVED Frederick Family Skip Day with my Dad.

Shortly after I had Adrienne, my Dad came over.  She was upstairs sleeping and my Dad asked if he could go look at her.  He didn't want me to wake her, he just wanted to see his sleeping granddaughter.

Dad went with Jacob and I to see a specialist when Jacob was just three years old and I knew there was something developmentally wrong.  He was there with me through a difficult interview about Jacob's development and home life (including the abusive marriage part).  I was worried what he would think, but he was nothing but supportive of me.  He was there when I was given the official diagnosis of Autism.  He was there the whole drive home telling me how great Jacob was and how the diagnosis didn't change that at all.  Dad adores Jacob, even now that is obvious.  They have a very special relationship!

When I was in the hospital having Annalina, my parents brought Adrienne in so she could be there for the birth. Dad just came to check in on me before going to the waiting room, but as it happened, the doctor started setting up and he became trapped between my hospital bed and the window and was there for the entire birth of my sweet daughter.  Once she was out and getting cleaned up, he took over the video camera and caught her first minutes of life on tape for us. I will never forget the way he walked sideways to the baby bed looking up at the ceiling so he would not see anything inappropriate!  It was funny and sweet all at once!

When I moved in with my parents after my divorce, my Dad was always willing to step in and help out with Jacob when he got out of control.  He would carefully carry him up to his room for a time out when I was too tired to do it myself.  Shortly after moving in with my parents I went back to school full time. I took classes in the morning and did not get out of school until about the time Jacob was done with Kindergarten.  I never wanted to take advantage of my Dad being at home working, but he insisted on walking to the bus stop three days a week and getting Jacob and hanging out with him for lunch until I got home from school a half hour later. 

For about 6 years we lived just a couple blocks from my parents.  Each fourth of July Richard and Dad would go to a fireworks stand, or Costco and get a TON of fireworks, splitting the cost.  They would also do the honors of putting on a spectacular fireworks show for us.  We invited anyone who wanted to come over to watch with us, even neighbors would come out to watch.  We even came up with a rating system and then the next year they'd go get our very favorites. I think Mad Dog was always at the top of the list!  We have many happy memories of family 4th of July parties!

I will never forget the hours my Dad spent with my husband answering questions for him about the gospel.  Being newly active in the church after a long break, I often found I did not have the answers to the questions Richard would ask me.  I found myself saying, "you will have to ask my Dad" and I knew that he would always have the answers.

My Dad gave Adrienne and Jacob their baby blessings and he baptized and confirmed Adrienne and then a year later my husband Richard.  He provided my family with many priesthood blessings over the years and it was never too late at night or too early in the morning for him to be there for us.

My Dad went to Girls Camp every year to help out. He was always gone for the whole week doing whatever he could to help. The leaders loved him and eventually it was a formal calling for him!  He was so excited for Adrienne to turn 12 so she could go too.  It always meant so much to me that he was there because she use to get terribly homesick and seeing him there always comforted her. Also, when she forgot things, he would run into town to get them for her!  My Dad LOVES his grandchildren!

My Dad also loved his parents. While he could still drive, he would go visit my Grandfather as often as he could.  He even took time during busy tax season to go make sure Graandpa was doing ok.  He talked to me about Grandma Frederick often and with such tenderness.  He would often express how much he really missed her.

Once after the Alzheimer's had already taken hold, my mother and I got in a huge fight at their house.  I was crying and I remember my Dad looking completely bewildered. I felt so bad for bringing this stress into his home.  He asked if I was ok and I said no, so he asked what he could do and I said, "just hug me".  And he did.  And for that moment in his arms, my Dad was back.  I knew he loved me and would do anything for me.

Last week Megan and I took my Dad to his future new home for lunch.  As we were leaving Megan was reaching for Kathryn's hand so they could cross the street.  I said, "Hold hands, so we can be safe" and my Dad reached over and held my hand as we crossed the street. It was such a tender thing and I cry just thinking about it now.

I miss my father so very much.  My heart aches for him, knowing what he has lost over the past few years and knowing how unhappy he is.  It is not fair that a man who gave so much to so many has now lost so many of the traits that made him who he was.  It is hard to watch how he is treated.  It is not a good feeling when I feel myself wanting to correct him or remind him of something, as if he is a child.  I have learned that most of the time, correcting or reminding him really isn't that important.  It is hard to know that he feared being in this condition for many, many years!  How do people go on when they don't have the knowledge that we will see our loved ones again in a perfected state?  If I thought my Father was lost to me forever, I don't know how I could go on!  I am so grateful for the gospel and the comfort it brings.  But for now, I really just miss him so much!

 

 

 

 

Earth Day Birthday

April is a fun month!  It is the month Joseph came into our family!  Ever since Adrienne got her new car, Joseph has been dying to go somewhere special, just the two of them.  So for a special birthday treat, Adrienne took him to lunch at Pizza Shmizza. He had a great time with big sis!

Joseph's Birthday fell on a Sunday this year and it was a beautiful warm sunny day, so we decided to go to the park and play!  We invited the family and everyone came to help Joseph celebrate his special day!!

Joseph wanted chocolate cupcakes with green frosting because he shares his birthday with Earth Day!

 

I have been wanting a new family photo and Megan took this beauty for us!