So, I have been dumped....

...deserted, discarded, left, forgotten, jilted, rejected, abandoned...well you get the point.  I just have to get it all out there, all at once.  My husband left me!  Wow, there is something I NEVER expected to say.  My husband, who in the days before leaving was telling me how much he loved me, has left me!  Yes, it is true! My husband left me in the most horrible way I can imagine. No hint, no word, no note explaining himself, I wasn't even sure he was alive for a couple of days there.  There are times when I still wonder if he is.  His disappearance was on the news, it was in the paper.  People still say, "so glad they found him, bet you are glad to have him home", only he's not home and I have no idea where he is.  While my mind is quick to give me all the reasons I am at fault for his disappearance, my heart is telling me that is was not us or me, I think it was just him.

So how should I feel about this?  Just a few years ago I would be hiding away, horrified that the world thought I was a failure as a wife. I am sure there are some people who look at me and imagine I must be pretty horrible to cause him to leave like he did.  I just can't seem to make myself care about that.  I heard once that the older you get the less the opinions of others means and that might just be it.  It also may be that I know the truth, as much as can be known at this point, and if others don't understand that, it just doesn't matter to me.

How I feel is devastated that he is gone and I don't fully understand why. I feel a deep sense of loss at the disappearance of my best friend and a relationship that I have always cherished.  I feel like I am no longer whole.  I feel sad at all the many future dreams and goals we had together that just cannot be without him here. I feel overwhelmed that it all rests on my shoulders now. That I am the one who must make all the decisions, change all the light bulbs, figure out how to fix things, earn the money we will survive on, attend to ALL the needs of my children, whether I feel qualified or not.  I also feel tired, so very tired.

Each day is different, each hour can be very different too.  One day I will wake up with an aching so deep in my heart I can hardly breath. Other days I wake up thinking this can't be real.  Often I feel like I am in a daze.  At times I accept what has happened and I think of the future, and the plans I am making are not bad at all.  At these times I see a day where the kids and I are truly happy again.  Sometimes I can hear his Jeep pulling into the driveway and I am certain he is coming home to us.  It is still so hard for me to think this could be permanent.  I still hope it is not and that something, somehow will reach him and he will remember us, and long for us and come home to us so we can work on mending the bridges he has worked so hard to burn to ashes.