Not all about me....

My last post was all about me and the effect this whole experience has had on me.  I was feeling a little self centered, but now I need to acknowledge that I am not the only one in pain here. Yes, he left me, but he left us. He left our beautiful children.  They are sad, they are angry, they are hurt beyond anything I can possibly imagine for children so young and innocent.  I can live with what he has done to me, but I don't know if I can live with what he has done and is doing to the children.

Joseph's anger is changing him. He is such a sweet little boy, but he gets mad so easily now. He lashes out at the smallest thing.  I need to find a way to get him help with dealing with these issues.  We talked today about moving to a smaller place.  I joked that it could have one bedroom for the three of us, since we all share a room right now.  He said, "but where will daddy sleep when he gets home?".  When his pj's were in the washer and it was bedtime I grabbed an old t-shirt of Richard's for him to sleep in. He got mad and said he would not wear it because its daddy's.  It was silly of me not to consider this.  Joseph is angry and hurt and he does not know how to let it out.

Annalina is angry too, but she expresses it through sadness and tears.  It hurts me so much to see her cry. I asked her what she would do it daddy came home and she said she would turn away and go to her room until she knew what else to do. She is confused. We all are.  She and Richard have always been so close. She has emailed him with no reply.  She feels abandoned and it is heartbreaking to watch her struggle with this.

Jacob doesn't talk about it much, but he is a young man of few words. I know it has affected him but I don't know how deeply.  So far, he has been my rock in Richard's absence. I need to be careful not to ask too much of him.  But I have been amazed at his capacity for understanding.

Adrienne has been sick almost constantly since Richard left.  I worry that her emotions have no outlet and they manifest through illness.  I know she is here for me and she loves us and is willing to help. But physically she has struggled these past few weeks.

I pray every day for guidance in how to help my children deal with the pain and loss they are experiencing. I know others are praying for them too and I am so grateful for that.  I know that now, more than ever before in my life, I have to be the very best mom I can be.  I have to be calm in dealing with outbursts, I have to listen attentively when they need me, and most of all I need to help them to know that I am not going anywhere. I will be here for them!