Grandma Comes To Visit

My mother came to town to be with us at the Temple with Jacob.  It just so happens that it was the anniversary of my father's passing last year and it turned out to be a beautiful thing for my Mom and I and Adrienne to be in the temple with Jacob on such a special day.  We all felt his presence there with us.

I am so grateful she came to spend a week with us. The kids needed the TLC only a grandma can offer!  She taught Annalina how to crochet (and Joseph is begging her to teach him next time she comes to visit).  She made yummy desserts with Annalina, she watched them play and she made each of them a couple of pairs of pajama bottoms. And she took us out to eat several times, which was a real treat.  She even made potato soup, which is my ultimate comfort food.  We all went to see Frozen together with Jonathon and Adrienne and we drove out to the Butte to show her our dream home lot.  She brought Joseph a loop bracelet loom and then helped Annalina sort thousands of those loops by color!  Richard even took her out in the Jeep and took the "back way" out of the neighborhood, which leaves pavement and climbs up the side of the hill.  She was here to love us and it was great!

Aren't they beautiful together??

I posted this one on a previous post, but its one of my favorites, so here it is again!

Off to the races...

Last night was Joseph's Cub Scout Pinewood Derby.  He and Richard worked hard to make his car.  Joseph really wanted red, white and blue and when he was asked the name of his car, he decided to call it Captain Americar(actually my idea, and he loved it).  His car did great, he came in third overall and even came in first in a couple of races.  We were so proud of him!

This year they had a guy come and do the races for us, he had instant replays on large screens and the track was hooked up to a computer so we got instant results.  It was really fun! I sure love the cub scout program!

Joseph and Kyle

 

The Worth of Souls

The kids and I have received so much support over the past month or so.  I am extremely grateful for all those who love us and were ready and willing to express that to us when we needed it most.  Recently I received a very insightful and loving message from an old ward member in Oregon and I want to talk a little about what he had to say, as it touched me deeply.

He requested that I help Richard to feel not so alone and that I remind him of his goodness.  This makes me think of the scripture in DandC that says, "The worth of souls is great in the eyes of God".  That is something I think of each and every day. I try to help Richard see that as well.  The Lord loves him and will never give up on him.  I won't either.  This man also said if he was here, he would encircle Richard in his arms and asked if I would do so on his behalf when I was ready.  I love this so much.  Not just words, but actions to express such deep emotion and understanding!  I do hug my husband every day.  I am trying to help him see himself as the great man that he is.  In viewing him as the Lord sees him, it is easy to let go of negative emotions and feel a pure love for him.  I see my husband's infinite worth and I know that he is worth every bit of effort that will be required of us.

The response to our situation has been extremely positive here in Rexburg and from dear friends in Oregon and family across the country.  It is easy for me to see and feel the love everyone has for my husband, as well as our family as a whole.  I worried so much about our family being judged and even asked that people please not do so.  It seems that for the most part, that was never an issue.  People are kind and loving.  They see the goodness in my husband and they love him for that.  This has meant so much to me. And I hope as he comes to see this, it will mean a lot to him as well.

Joy of all Joys!

Wednesday was an amazing day!  Jacob has worked so hard to get to this point in his life and it was very much a privilege to get to be in the temple with him as he made sacred covenants with the Lord.  I was so impressed with the men from our ward who were invited and came to support Jacob in this next step to becoming a missionary.  Our Bishop was there as were several other neighbors and friends.  It was also very special to have so much family there.  My mom and aunt and uncle came into town to support Jacob and cousin Jill and Rich were there and so were Adrienne and Jon.  

It was very special to be in the Temple with Jacob.  After being greeted by so many people, Jacob and I got to sit together and just take it all in. We could feel dad there with us and it was an amazing way to remember his passing a year ago that very day.  We also got to take a very special tour of the sealing rooms and the children's room.  The Rexburg temple is so beautiful. It was an honor to get to be in places we don't normally get to go.  After we changed, we went out through the baptistry and took some photos. 

 

 

 

 

After the temple, we went out to dinner in honor of Jacob. He chose Applebee's and although it was a pretty late night, it was a lot of fun to be out celebrating him!

Let's Celebrate Jacob

Amid the sorrow and trials there is so much joy to be found in this life.  Jacob is one of the most joyful joys of my life.  He is an amazing young man and this post is all about him!

I hope he won't mind that I am sharing this, but last week I got to take him and a lovely young lady to the bowling alley!  Yes, my son went on a date!! As I was pulling out I noticed him opening the door for her. So sweet!   Earlier that evening as I gave him a little advice, he was receptive and seemed happy to listen to me.  Score one for Mom!  When I picked them up, they were laughing and having fun together.

Jacob leaves in less than 5 weeks for his two year mission in Charlotte, North Carolina.  I am so excited for him. I know this will be a grand adventure and although he will work hard, he will learn and grow a lot. I cannot wait to meet the Jacob who returns two years from now! I know with all my heart that Jacob needs to serve this mission.  I fully support him and know he will bless the lives of many.

Jacob has been amazing this past month(well he has always been amazing to me, but this month he really stepped up). He is so sweet, he has hugged me when I cried, he has put his arm around me when we have to go out places. He is always so helpful around the house.  I love him so much and I appreciate him and I have to admit he has become a great sense of security for me. Thinking of him being gone for two years tugs at my heart, but I know we will be blessed while he is away. And I know he will be in good hands, the hands of the Lord.

I have a great video of Jacob opening his call, but it won't load right now.  Maybe I can get it to work later!  Here are a couple of fun photos of that graet day!

My biggest fear about Jacob's mission call is that it would come while I was at school and I wouldn't be there when he opened it(he REALLY did not feel the need to wait for us all). As it turned out, it came on a day that he slept late after working a graveyard shift.  It came right before I left for school and I ran into the house and had Richard hide it away in case Jacob woke up early.  That was the longest two hours of school for me, wondering where my son would be spending his next two years!!  We knew Annalina would be home at 4pm, so we invited Adrienne and Jon over and skyped with Mom, Megan, Beth and kids.  It was so fun and everyone was so excited for our Jacob!

Where Is My Happily Ever After?

My husband is home. It is what I prayed for. But it is not turning out to go the way I had envisioned...a loving embrace, tears, all the words I need to hear, all the words he needs to hear, incredible joy on both of our parts that the healing can start now.  Oh, and in my vision, a box of chocolates, a huge bouquet of flowers, and a beam of sunlight shining down on us from above.  Yeah, I may have been overreaching, but for four weeks all I could do was imagine the possibility that I would see him again and that we could find a way to make this work. There were a lot of minutes to fill with pointless daydreaming. One thing I do know, no amount of chocolate, flowers, sunlight, or even diamonds can make this right.  It is going to take a LOT of work on both of our parts. I am willing and able.  He is not...yet.

He is not filled with joy, he is depressed, more depressed than I knew he was capable of.  The truth is he cannot give me what I need right now and I cannot express to you just how frustrating that is. He caused this pain, I want him to make it right, RIGHT NOW!  I am tired of suffering and wondering what the future holds. He can make me no promises.  And I have to live with that.  My first inclination is to get angry (and sadly, I must admit that inside my mind, I have).  I want to lash out at him and make him hurt just as badly as I hurt.  Will that help?  Would he then be able to see what he has done to me emotionally?  No.  There is no way to "help" him see that until he is ready, if that time ever comes.  And deep down, I know he is suffering incredibly, he is still lost in his own darkness.  Right now I need to be a light to him rather than pushing him further down the path to nowhere.  

The patience that I developed to wait for a month, wondering if I would ever see him again, must now be used again to give him the time that he needs to prepare himself for the healing process.  I am not entirely sure he will get there, but I pray that with time he will come to be able to understand what I need to make this work and what he needs as well. I am trying so hard to give him what he needs.  Despite my inner turmoil, I try to say encouraging words to him. I try to express my gratitude that he is home with us.  I tell him that we prayed for him constantly, that we never gave up hope.  I don't know that he hears me, but maybe at some point he will be ready to.  I can only pray that he will.

So where is my happily ever after?  It is coming. It may take time.  It won't be easy waiting and then working for it.  And I don't know how it will look right now. But I know in time it will come.

Answered Prayers

I have been  hoping and praying to be able to write this post for almost a month.  Richard is at last home. He is safely with us again.  This is a direct answer to thousands of prayers and lots of fasting.  This is exactly what we asked for, and yet, although there are feelings of relief that he is home, there are a myriad of other emotions that I did not expect to feel.  There is much work to be done and I don't know just how long it will take to get there, or even where we will end up, but we will move forward and see where the path to recovery leads.

For those who are worried for me and my emotional safety, I thank you so much for your love and concern.  I know all too well that the trust my marriage was built on is broken.  I know that he could leave again at any time and that I am not in control of his choices.  I promise you that I am moving forward carefully.  I am guarding my heart and doing my best to protect my children's fragile emotional state.  Yesterday I spent almost three hours with the counselor at Joseph's school.  We formulated a plan for Joseph and Annalina and then we talked about me and where I am at with this.  This man is amazing. He gave me great insight and ideas and I am grateful that at the last minute he was willing and able to see me.

All four of the kids put aside their anger and willingly forgave Richard immediately.  Annalina and Joseph spent the evening by his side. Joseph is especially happy and remembers to thank Heavenly Father in each prayer he says. The kids have a lot of questions but we went into this letting them know that they may ask Richard whatever they need to, whenever they need to. This has been a healthy thing for them as they are not pressured to ask it all at once and can ponder their feelings and process them in their own time. I am grateful for the amazing resilience of children although I know that there is a lot going on inside their precious little minds. I will be watching them carefully for years to come, I am sure.  The children are still sleeping in my room with me and I feel that it comforts me as well as them.

After the heartache I have felt for the past month, I find myself feeling numb.  I love my husband and I am grateful he has returned.  I feel much compassion towards him because of the darkness that pulled him away from us.  I also feel I am in a state of shock and at times I find myself afraid. I am trying to replace that fear with faith.  Now the real work begins and I pray that I will feel the guiding influence of the Spirit as we go forward trying to mend the broken pieces of our marriage.  I don't think this is something he and I can do alone. It will require much support and direction from above.

Again I ask that you not judge my husband.  Knowing the pain he caused us, it took a great deal for him to come back and it will not be an easy road for him to fix the damage he has done.  He will be working very hard to get healthy emotionally.  He will also be working hard to fix relationships.  He can use all the love and support he can get.  

Thank you for the prayers you have offered on behalf of our family. Thank you for fasting with me on Sunday.  I asked all who joined to help me fast that the love we feel for Richard and the light and love of our Heavenly Father would somehow penetrate the darkness he was dwelling in.  He told me Sunday was a turning point for him.  I know this is not a coincidence.  Please continue to pray for my family, that whatever the outcome is, we can be safe and happy in the end, no matter what happens.  I love you dear friends and family!

Not all about me....

My last post was all about me and the effect this whole experience has had on me.  I was feeling a little self centered, but now I need to acknowledge that I am not the only one in pain here. Yes, he left me, but he left us. He left our beautiful children.  They are sad, they are angry, they are hurt beyond anything I can possibly imagine for children so young and innocent.  I can live with what he has done to me, but I don't know if I can live with what he has done and is doing to the children.

Joseph's anger is changing him. He is such a sweet little boy, but he gets mad so easily now. He lashes out at the smallest thing.  I need to find a way to get him help with dealing with these issues.  We talked today about moving to a smaller place.  I joked that it could have one bedroom for the three of us, since we all share a room right now.  He said, "but where will daddy sleep when he gets home?".  When his pj's were in the washer and it was bedtime I grabbed an old t-shirt of Richard's for him to sleep in. He got mad and said he would not wear it because its daddy's.  It was silly of me not to consider this.  Joseph is angry and hurt and he does not know how to let it out.

Annalina is angry too, but she expresses it through sadness and tears.  It hurts me so much to see her cry. I asked her what she would do it daddy came home and she said she would turn away and go to her room until she knew what else to do. She is confused. We all are.  She and Richard have always been so close. She has emailed him with no reply.  She feels abandoned and it is heartbreaking to watch her struggle with this.

Jacob doesn't talk about it much, but he is a young man of few words. I know it has affected him but I don't know how deeply.  So far, he has been my rock in Richard's absence. I need to be careful not to ask too much of him.  But I have been amazed at his capacity for understanding.

Adrienne has been sick almost constantly since Richard left.  I worry that her emotions have no outlet and they manifest through illness.  I know she is here for me and she loves us and is willing to help. But physically she has struggled these past few weeks.

I pray every day for guidance in how to help my children deal with the pain and loss they are experiencing. I know others are praying for them too and I am so grateful for that.  I know that now, more than ever before in my life, I have to be the very best mom I can be.  I have to be calm in dealing with outbursts, I have to listen attentively when they need me, and most of all I need to help them to know that I am not going anywhere. I will be here for them!

So, I have been dumped....

...deserted, discarded, left, forgotten, jilted, rejected, abandoned...well you get the point.  I just have to get it all out there, all at once.  My husband left me!  Wow, there is something I NEVER expected to say.  My husband, who in the days before leaving was telling me how much he loved me, has left me!  Yes, it is true! My husband left me in the most horrible way I can imagine. No hint, no word, no note explaining himself, I wasn't even sure he was alive for a couple of days there.  There are times when I still wonder if he is.  His disappearance was on the news, it was in the paper.  People still say, "so glad they found him, bet you are glad to have him home", only he's not home and I have no idea where he is.  While my mind is quick to give me all the reasons I am at fault for his disappearance, my heart is telling me that is was not us or me, I think it was just him.

So how should I feel about this?  Just a few years ago I would be hiding away, horrified that the world thought I was a failure as a wife. I am sure there are some people who look at me and imagine I must be pretty horrible to cause him to leave like he did.  I just can't seem to make myself care about that.  I heard once that the older you get the less the opinions of others means and that might just be it.  It also may be that I know the truth, as much as can be known at this point, and if others don't understand that, it just doesn't matter to me.

How I feel is devastated that he is gone and I don't fully understand why. I feel a deep sense of loss at the disappearance of my best friend and a relationship that I have always cherished.  I feel like I am no longer whole.  I feel sad at all the many future dreams and goals we had together that just cannot be without him here. I feel overwhelmed that it all rests on my shoulders now. That I am the one who must make all the decisions, change all the light bulbs, figure out how to fix things, earn the money we will survive on, attend to ALL the needs of my children, whether I feel qualified or not.  I also feel tired, so very tired.

Each day is different, each hour can be very different too.  One day I will wake up with an aching so deep in my heart I can hardly breath. Other days I wake up thinking this can't be real.  Often I feel like I am in a daze.  At times I accept what has happened and I think of the future, and the plans I am making are not bad at all.  At these times I see a day where the kids and I are truly happy again.  Sometimes I can hear his Jeep pulling into the driveway and I am certain he is coming home to us.  It is still so hard for me to think this could be permanent.  I still hope it is not and that something, somehow will reach him and he will remember us, and long for us and come home to us so we can work on mending the bridges he has worked so hard to burn to ashes.

Feeling Pain

My dear Aunt Linda sent me a wonderful article about the atonement.  It is, "The Atonement Covers All Pain" by Kent F. Richards.  He talks about the pain we must all endure and that the atonement can help us because the Savior suffered every affliction, sickness, sorrow and heartache.  He knows exactly how to help us, if we let him.  He also talks about pain being part of the learning and growing process.  Sometimes we are confused as we cry out for relief and do not get it right away.  I have learned that just as the Savior suffered for all of our sins and pains in Gethsemane so he could understand how best to help us, we must bear the pain for a time, so that we can understand our Savior and his love for us. It is beautiful.  When you are in the midst of terrible pain, it may seem cruel, but it is not.  Know that he will bear you up even as you suffer.  Even in the blur of emotional turmoil, he will help you put one foot in front of the other.  He will send aid through other people and through ministering angels. I know this to be true.

If we asked for the pain to be taken and it was, instantly, would we ever learn and grow from that pain?  No, just as we must know the bad to know the good, we must feel pain in order to appreciate the relief that will come. So when we are in the midst of the worst suffering we have ever felt and we cry out to the Lord for help, we must be patient and understand that relief will come.  We just need to have the faith that it will come and that all will be well in time.

Its been three weeks and I still feel a deep aching in my heart.  But there are moments of peace.  Yesterday I went to the temple to do initiatories.  I felt the need to hear those blessings, but I felt like surely I would cry the whole way though. I almost didn't go, then I prayed and just went.  I listened to those beautiful promises and I felt peace. I did not cry once. I know that was a miracle and I know the Lord allowed me to hear those amazing promises without feeling the pain I was sure they would bring.

Today I did not want to go to church.  My mind kept telling me to stay home, take the day off, catch up on sleep.  I know some people are uncomfortable around me and don't know what to say, and that is okay, probably perfectly normal.  Others are so quick to offer their love and support, and it is much appreciated.  But it all feels awkward to me.  At times I am not sure what to say or how to react and I hope that people understand that.  But I think that doing something that feels so challenging emotionally shows the Lord that I am willing to sacrifice. I will work hard for the relief I seek.  I won't hide myself away from the world, I will be strong and await the comfort that I know will come.