Sweet Jake

I have three sisters and no brothers. Jacob was my first son and the first grandson to my parents. I had always heard that boys were different from girls, that they develop at a slower rate. So while Jacob had his quirks as a two and three year old I truly thought it was just normal delays. Shortly after his third birthday I found myself a single parent. Jacob would throw terrible tantrums. I often found myself in the middle of the grocery store with a cart full of things when he would explode into kicking and screaming and there was no way I was going to wait in line to checkout with him like that, especially with all the "looks" I got from others. So I had to leave without the groceries. Adrienne had gone through a tantrum phase, so I thought it was normal. Jacob had a baseball cap that he wore ALWAYS. If he woke up in the morning and it was not on his head he would cry until he found it. That cap got really gross and I had to sneak it out in middle of the night to wash it and have it back to him by morning. Jacob also had to have something in his hand at all times. He had a doctor kit with a fake shot in it and that was his constant companion for a long time until it got lost. Jacob did not communicate much. He did not answer my questions, but he could recite entire scenes from Beauty and the Beast. Jacob would not wear jeans or anything too stiff. He lived in sweats mostly. All of these may seem like huge warning signs, and perhaps I should have put it all together sooner, but I was young and going through a divorce and was perhaps distracted by all my new responsibilities as a single parent. And he was a boy and we all know boys develop a little slower, right?

I took Adrienne and Jacob to a WIC appointment. This is a program to help lower to middle income families with nutritional information as well as providing supplements of foods such as milk, cereal, cheese, peanut butter, etc. I met with the intake nurse who talked to the kids and then suggested I get Jacob evaluated. I took him to the family doctor who told me he was not a normal little boy taking his time developing, but that there was definitely something wrong and he referred us to a psychiatrist at St Vincents. My dad took us to that appointment and it meant a lot to me to not be alone.

I had an idea that Jacob was autistic. Sally, a friend of the family who had watched the two kids when I worked for several years, worked with autistic children in the school system and she told me there were a lot of similarities between Jacob and the kids she worked with. So I am sure the doctor was surprised at the way I handled the news. He played with Jacob for a while and asked a lot of questions of me. Then he gave me the diagnosis. I was not terribly upset, nor did I cry. He proceeded to tell me that Jacob may never learn to communicate, that he may not graduate from high school and that he may live with me for the rest of his life. Perhaps he was trying to get a reaction out of me, but to me it was a relief to finally understand why Jacob acted the way he did. I felt a new tenderness toward him and my heart ached for all the times I lost my patience with him when he was so out of control. I knew that Jacob was not trying to be naughty and that he was more than likely acting that way because of his frustration of not being able to communicate what he was thinking or feeling. I was annoyed that the doctor was putting limitations on Jacob, but honestly I would be happy to have him live with me into adulthood.

So this began a long journey for Jacob, and myself as well. I took him to be evaluated at Early Intervention, the program the school has for delayed children. He was placed in a special preschool class for children with autism. He had speech therapy, both private and through the school. He was very routine oriented and melted down when it was time to change activities, so his teachers and I worked on things like flip cards to tell him what he needed to be doing.
About a year after being on my own, I moved in with my mom and dad. I had met Richard not long before that and he and my dad were great at helping me with Jacob when his tantrums got out of control. I remember being completely exhausted, both emotionally and physically and to have one of the men in my life(Richard or Dad) take Jacob up to his room to cool down was a lifesaver to me, probably more so than I even realized at the time.

Throughout Jacob's early years he had lots of issues. As simple as having a total meltdown if two or more honey nut cheerios were stuck together in his cereal bowl. This was so wrong in his mind it could ruin a whole day for him. Also Jacob would not use a public restroom. Strangely enough he had decided that port-a-potties were ok. I can't tell you how many times we were out and about that he just had to go, but would not go in an actual restroom. Sometimes we drove until we found a construction site and there he would happily go. His grade school had a port-o-potty near the softball field, so every day of Kindergarten, I would take him there first. At a meeting halfway through the year it was decided that he needed to learn to go anywhere and they had it hauled away and put toys and fun soap dispensers in the staff bathroom just so he would go in there. They worked hard on that issue and shortly after that we were at a movie when Jacob announced he had to go. Richard took him out and he actually went in the theater bathroom! Something so small became such a huge victory for us all.

When it was time to start Kindergarten, his wonderful preschool teachers and I decided he should be mainstreamed in a normal classroom. I was a bit terrified by this, but looking back it was the best thing we could have ever done for Jacob. He wanted so badly to be like everyone else and being in a normal setting helped him learn many important social skills. They had a special corner with pillows for him when he would tantrum, but that gradually slowed down as the school year progressed. He had an inclusion assistant for the first few years of school. Mrs Lowrance was great with him. And his case worker at Jackson School was Christine Eberly. Each time I talked to them I was reassured that they loved my son and truly enjoyed him. At our last meeting in 6th grade we marveled at how far Jacob had come and I pleaded with them to move onto middle school with him.

Jacob had a string of loving teachers throughout grade school. His inclusion assistant became part time after second grade. His part time helper was Vanessa Pittman. She is a sweet lady who is a member of our church though she goes to a different ward. One day at Stake Conference he saw her and got confused. Should he call her Mrs Pittman like he did at school, or Sister Pittman as is the custom at church. So he called her Sister Mrs Pittman.

When Jacob got to sixth grade, his teacher was Mr Phipps. Wow, a male teacher, this was a first for Jacob and he absolutely adored and looked up to this great man. All through middle school he would walk back to Jackson Elementary at least once a week to visit with his old teachers, always making sure to see Mr Phipps if he was there.

Once middle school began Jacob had a lot of wonderful male role models to adore. And I am very grateful for that. He loves school and wants to be just like everyone else, though he is not. Jacob is still unique in a lot of ways, but when people hear he is autistic they are shocked. I suppose most teenage boys have social issues to overcome, so he is not as different from everyone else as I may see him!

Jacob is a great source of pride and happiness for me. I love to watch him get involved in things. Once he starts something he does not stop. As challenging as it was, we started him in soccer when he was in first grade. This was successful thanks to a great coach and Richard for taking that activity over when I went on bed rest during my pregnancy with Annalina. Jacob loved soccer. We had a couple incidents where he would lose his temper and act out, but as the years went by he learned how to handle the competition. He got quite good, though I think last year might have been his final year. I just LOVE to watch him play at anything he does. I have said it before and it is true, I am Jacob's biggest fan!

At the beginning of middle school a friend of Jacob's got really excited about physical fitness and started running a lot. Jacob jumped all over that and now he runs every day he possibly can. He is also into basketball. I will blog about that another time. He also loves track, there is much to saw on that subject as well. It looks like I have already written quite the novel in one blog! But I am so proud of his desire to achieve despite all the challenges he has faced. Jacob is a great kid and is growing into such a great young man! When I look back, I am sometimes shocked to realize all that Jacob has overcome. I am truly blessed that he has such a positive outlook on life and that he has always been so affectionate and loving. So many with autism are not like that and it breaks my heart!

Jacob at about 3 and a half. He always had to have a hat on.