Mourning the End of an Era

Tomorrow I start my new job.  I am happy to have this job, very grateful in fact.  It is a perfect introduction into the work force for me, as its been many years since I worked outside the home.  But, I find myself feeling such loss.  I have always been happy being home, I have loved raising my children, I have loved cooking and shopping and budgeting, I have loved making a home for my sweet family.  I find myself feeling this loss, along with a great burden that not only will I need to be able to do these things better than ever, for my children need a strong mother, but I will also need to be the breadwinner, the planner, the leader of our family in every way.  It is a heavy burden to bear at a time when a burden of such deep sadness is upon me.  At church lately there have been so many talks and lessons about the roles of mothers and fathers in the family.  I know that having both a mother and a father in the home is ideal, and how the Lord wants it.  I also know there are many like me who have to take on both roles, who did not choose to be in this position.  One young lady in our ward just turned 16 and her father took her on her first date.  I think this is a beautiful idea.  Still, I came home and cried, because there are some things I just will not be able to do for my children.  And it hurts. It is so not fair to them. At the tender ages of 10 and 13, there is still so much growing up for them to do.

I know I can do this.  I know I will be blessed with the strength to do what I absolutely need to and I hope and pray that when I am not strong enough, "the village" will jump in and give me a hand.  I hope that as I settle into this new routine, my emotions will calm down and I will find myself with new friends, a new outlet and a great feeling of accomplishment.  For now, I just need to get through this week!