What Matters Most...: Climbing My Mountain

I love the talk, Mountains to Climb, by President Eyring. I have always felt strengthened by the message that without "mountains" in our lives, we cannot grow into the person our Heavenly Father knows we can be. I don't know my full potential, but He does. I have to trust that each trial I face in this life will refine me.

As is true for everyone, I have faced many very tall mountains throughout my life, but none so steep as the one I am on now. Each day is a struggle to keep moving up, rather than letting myself slide down to the bottom. My faith helps keep me on track. I recently had a talk with my Bishop where I admitted I had fallen far down my mountain, and I was just too tired to progress any further. Being a wise man, he pointed out that perspective is key. He told me I had not fallen down the mountain, perhaps I had only slipped and skinned my knees, but that I was still holding fast to my hard fought place on my mountain. He recommended I not look up or down, but rather that I look out. That I should see how high I had climbed, and that I enjoy the view. This mountain analogy is always with me. At times in the past I had found myself near the top, only to find another peak to conquer. Being my best friend, Richard was always there to encourage me, to pull me up and to steady me when I felt weak. I tried to do the same for him. Now I feel so alone at times. I can't just roll over to face my love and tell him what is troubling me, I cannot ask his advice any time day or night. I miss that. Richard was compassionate and understanding. He always tried to see things from my perspective and then show me another perspective. He gave me great advice. He had learned just how to offer it, and I had learned how to accept it. He was like a security blanket, helping me feel warm and safe. At times I now feel that I am walking on a tightrope without my ever present, kind and loving safety net.

I could allow myself to feel the injustice of what I have lost. It is not fair that I have to go forward without my companion. That I have to do it all alone. But I have chosen to view this as a great opportunity. I am developing a close relationship with my Savior. I cannot talk to my husband to get advice, but I can pray to the Lord anytime. When things seem uncertain, I don't have to feel fear. I can trust that the Lord will guide me. I know that He is aware of me and my children. I know that only He understands the sorrow and loneliness that I feel. I know that He will not let me down. I, in turn, will strive to not let Him down. I wonder if this deep relationship would be possible if my husband was here. Please don't misunderstand, I loved the Lord even when my husband was here. But I never had to rely on him fully before. I was slowly developing the ability to rely on Him, through struggles that Richard and I have had over the years. But what I am experiencing now is a crash course in learning to depend on the Lord. Though I cannot say I am grateful for these exact circumstances, I am grateful for the direction it has given me. I truly can say I am grateful for the years of heartache and struggle that led me to have a testimony of the Gospel and my Savior. I know so many people turn away from the Lord when times get hard, as if they somehow justify blaming Him. I am grateful for the desire I have found to run into His arms, rather than turn away. Who else could more perfectly comfort me?

Am I okay? Am I over it? Do I feel peace and happiness all the time now? NO! I still struggle deeply and I have times where I question myself. Sometimes the sadness is overpowering. Is that the Lord turning his back on me? No, not at all. That is me, needing to learn and grow, maybe someday I will have learned sufficiently. I have talked before about the need we have to feel the pain for a time, so we can better understand the power and miracle of the atonement. I have fallen into the depths of despair, but I always come out on the other side and I know the full measure of the burden that has been taken from me. What a blessing this is to me. I am so grateful for my mountains, even at times when I can't help but think of the steep climb, the muddy spots, the seemingly impassable sections. In the end I know that I can and will climb my mountain and at the top, the beautiful view, the peace, joy and love that awaits me, will all be worth it.

As I have mentioned before, I love going out in the Jeep. I wanted to learn how to put it into 4 wheel drive and I wanted to take it up a mountain. But I didn't want to do it alone. My Bishop and his sweet family came over early one Saturday and allowed us to follow them up a mountain trail to Relay Ridge, a favorite spot for my family when Richard was with us. Joseph came with me. I was excited, I was nervous, but I was ready! Part way up, the Bishop's Jeep had a mechanical issue and he had to take my Jeep to get a part. What a blessing in disguise! Joseph and I waited on the mountain trail with Angela and her daughter. The weather was perfect. We had an incredible view and we had fun talking. When my Jeep got back, Angela and I, along with our kids, headed up the mountain. The view was incredible at the top, 360 degrees! The Tetons were right there! It was an amazing feeling to have made it to the top! I had taken some smooth rocks up the mountain with me. I had written on each rock an emotion I wanted to leave on the mountain, things like guilt, fear, weakness, doubt. Joseph helped me arrange my stones in a small pile and there they stayed. I came down the mountain that day feeling lighter and more capable than I have felt in a long time. I am grateful for people who are willing to help me accomplish my goals and even encourage it. It is so hard to ask for help, but I am learning to allow myself to need others.