Lifting a Heavy Heart

Wednesday I met my oncologist.  I was planning to hear the best possible news and get on with it.  Instead I was met with confusion and disappointment.  I thought I would be strong and go on my own. I am tough, I've been through worse, ummm, maybe.  The day before I read a quote that said something like, "Being strong is being able to ask for and receive help when you need it."  Hey, I haven't really tried being strong in that way.  I am grateful for that quote and that at the last moment fear struck me and I felt strongly that I needed someone along. I called my friend Kara who was there with me when I got my diagnosis and she had already cleared her schedule for me.  It was truly a blessing to not be alone as I heard foreign terminology and uncertain paths to take. She took notes and helped me understand.

Our plan depends upon the results of some genetic testing I had done at this appointment. It seems I am too young to have developed this kind of cancer all on my own!  With the holidays it could take up to 3 weeks to know for sure if I am genetically predisposed to developing breast and ovarian cancer. If so, the course of treatment is pretty severe and complete.  It left my head spinning.  I left the appointment and drove to the temple and cried.  I didn't want my kids to see me so upset.  I got up the courage to call my Bishop who had asked that I let him know what I learned, got some reassurance and came home, still feeling a bit panicked.  Kara came over and went over the appointment with me again and I felt so much better.  Best case scenario is a lumpectomy and 6 weeks of radiation along with close monitoring in the future. In either situation I will have a complete hysterectomy and will need hormone suppression, since my particular cancer thrives on estrogen.  Yuck, forced menopause without hormone replacement therapy. 

I wanted to be strong and prepared to hear anything.  I wasn't.  And that is okay.  I have to remind myself, its okay to be in shock, to be mourning so many losses right now. It is okay to feel some sorrow and even anger, which has mostly been directed at Richard not being by my side for this.  I mean, really? I don't want to be doing this without him! (Sorry, Richard, I still love you)  (and yes, you better be checking the blog regularly!!)   I am handling this well, in the best way I possibly can right now.  I am feeling optimistic most of the time. I am grateful that no matter what, I get to live. And while it may be a rocky holiday season for us, since they want to move fast when the final word comes in, I will see the other side and I will be stronger and better for it, blah, blah, blah!  :-)

Monday I got in for my uterine biopsy.  I have been in so much pain for so long now it is good to be figuring this out, but I am NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT!!  Last night I woke up from a nightmare in which I was in prison and they were doing the hysterectomy and bilateral mastectomy without putting me out or giving me something for the pain.  I woke up in THAT much pain.  It was awful and I figure my mind is trying to make sense of it all, but prison, really brain, you couldn't have put me on a cruise ship?  Hey brain, its going to be okay!  Trust me on this one!

I continue to watch for blessings and have found some beauties.  My sweet sister sent me a beautiful survivor mug for my hot chocolate.  My sweet class made a giant banner for me the day I missed school to go to my oncologist.  They all signed it and I put it up in my room, to remind myself how loved I am. Like I could ever forget. My bff Lisa, in Oregon sent me an awesome "cancer" binder where I can keep track of everything.  It has been a huge relief since my mind gets foggy sometimes and I don't remember things or can't find things.   I get sweet texts, messages and phone calls from people who love me and that makes me feel so good. 

I am grateful to all of you who have reached out and told me to ask whenever I might need something. This is a huge battle for me, but finally I feel ready to reach out and ask, so I hope you all meant it! Thank you for helping to lift my heavy heart!

Me and my cancer binder, so happy together!