4th of July & PTSD

I wasn't there when my husband died.  I did not hear the gunshot that took him from us.  I was blissfully unaware for over an hour that he had left this Earth. 

Last night I put the kids to bed and as I was walking to my room, I heard the loud crack of fireworks in the neighborhood.  I immediately started to cry and shake uncontrollably. I put on my headphones, turned my most comforting songs up loud and sobbed in my bed for hours.  I even took an anxiety medication, but it did little to calm me down.  I couldn't stop seeing his last moments. In my mind I saw his reconstructed face as he lay at the mortuary and I sobbed.  This caught me completely off guard.  It wasn't by choice and I was truly helpless to stop it, so I rode it out, alone.  I am exhausted today and a quick trip to Albertsons to get a few things for dinner took forever. I wandered around, not sure what I was doing there or what to get.

I feel most of the time I am in control of my emotions and I deal with what comes along fairly well. I am good at the day to day.  I don't like emotional surprises.  I haven't yet learned to grieve in the presence of others.  I put on my smiley face and pretend all is well.  It is manageable.  But occasionally something will take me completely by surprise and I hate that. 

I am not sure what to do this evening.  More fireworks.  I want to be prepared.  Not sure if I should just try to get through it, or if I should put on my music early and climb into bed. I feel so sad for my kiddos, because mommy is emotionally checked out. I am so grateful for Adrienne, Jon and Jacob. Hopefully, no matter what happens with me tonight, they can help the kids celebrate our great country.

Happy 4th of July everyone.