When Richard was gone I remember thinking, if only the Jeep was sitting there in the driveway, I would know everything is okay. I remember hearing loud engines outside the house and running to see if he had returned. I was very blessed because he did return. And so did Jeep. I recall a few occasions when I came home to find the Jeep gone and I was filled with panic. Having the Jeep in the driveway has been both a source of comfort and sadness.
Richard returned home to us early on a Thursday morning. Things were somewhat tense between us. As grateful as I was to have him home, I started feeling anger at the pain he had caused us while he was gone. So that Sunday after church I asked him to take me for a drive in the Jeep. We went far out into the middle of nowhere. I asked him to pull over and I shared with him all my emotions, ending with the fact that I loved him more than he could ever know, I was so glad he was home and that I wanted to make things work. I told him, despite the pain I felt, he was worth it to me. Our marriage was worth it and our family was worth it. I remember he cried. And I cried. And after a while we came home.
This last fall, as I have posted about before, we went off-roading with the kids a lot, but we also went just the two of us. One day he took me to the top of a mountain for a picnic lunch. It was a beautiful day and it is one I choose to think of when I remember our marriage. I would love to find that mountain top again. But I am directionally challenged and unsure of myself and being out in the wilderness without someone who knows where to go and what to do terrifies me. Or at least it used to...
Richard was amazing with directions. He never feared the world as I did, but dove right in, always finding his way home. I loved that about him. That was one of many ways he complimented me, since I have been known to get turned around at church, and put me in a mall, I will get lost! I think that due to our similar pasts, we both felt broken. But together we were whole. I miss him so much. It is easy to allow myself to feel broken beyond repair now. But I know in my heart I cannot do that. I have learned I can do very hard things, impossible things.
Back to Jeep. It has been sitting with a dead battery for several months now. We had the bird incident and were not in a huge hurry to get Jeep running. Once the birds were gone I learned that the battery was terminally dead. So at the suggestion of my Bishop, who is a Jeep guy, I got a new one. We had talked about my confusion as to what to do with Jeep and so he came over one day with his son, they put the battery in, took it to get cleaned up and changed the oil. It was such a relief to climb in and not see Richard's winter gloves on the dash, his sunglasses between the seats, or his work manuals on the back seat, it had even smelled like him and they fixed that too. It was an amazing act of service to me as I had tried to clean it out myself before, but always got overwhelmed with emotion. I wasn't sure I could even drive it, through all my tears. The first and last time I drove it was to bring it home the day he took his own life.
This past week has been emotional hell for me. Highs and deep lows, lots of deep lows. I started to question my marriage, Richard's love for me, my ability to do anything on my own, my sanity. It didn't help that one evening I backed into someone's car and had to figure out how to deal with that. I have never caused an accident before. I felt absolutely crazy, one night I cried so long and so hard, I truly thought I needed to be checked into a psych ward, which Rexburg doesn't have! Instead I put myself into a drug induced sleep. I did not wake up feeling rested, but at least it broke the crying cycle.
The next day I got a blessing from my neighbor. Peace and hope flooded my heart. He and his sweet wife stayed and talked to me for a while. Such a blessing since Richard and I talked so much during our marriage and I miss that a lot. The next day I felt restless and jumped in Jeep to go for a little drive to the cemetery. I didn't stop, but kept going, I decided I wanted to see if I could find the trail to relay ridge, a favorite place for us as a family. It felt so good behind the wheel. It was exhilarating really. I did not cry once. I couldn't stop smiling. I found the trail, but it has a vertical climb to start with and several terrain changes along the way and I decided if I am going to climb a mountain, I am going to need help the first time. I don't even know how to put it in four wheel drive yet. Today I filled Jeep up with gas and on a whim headed to Kelly Canyon on my own. It was the last area we started exploring together last fall. I made it there just fine and I headed in. Since I can't tell East from West, I did a lot of chanting, left at the pond, right at the fork etc. But I learned something. I can do it. I did do it. I will keep doing it. I felt closer to my Richard than I have in a long time since he passed, and it was priceless. I learned that I don't have to give up on dreams or passions that we shared. I can find a way to do them myself and maybe in the process I can feel him close to me!
As I passed some grazing cattle, the thought came to me, if I should get lost out on the trails(my greatest fear), I would not be alone. I know I can pray and be heard. I know that my faith can always help me get home.
We leave for Oregon tomorrow. I am excited to see friends and family. I am nervous about the emotional response of being back where we spent the majority of our life together. I am sad to leave Jeep behind for a week, because it has honestly been a wonderful form of therapy for me. But I know the kids and I have the whole summer ahead of us to go and explore and learn that we are strong and we can do anything we set our minds to!
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