Dear neighbors, please don't ask me about my lawn, I may burst into tears.
I have learned the reason that my grass is getting more and more yellow while everyone else's grass is so lush and green. The sprinkler system, which I turned on in May is not coming on every day, or any day really. Yeah, a lack of water will turn your grass yellow. Why did it take me a month to figure that out?
It has really been bothering me, because it is a reminder that there are so many things I am not good at. Richard was the manual reader, the technical guy, the leader of the family who just knew how to take care of these things. I, on the other hand, don't know what to do or how to go about learning what to do. (And yes, I have read the sprinkler manual, its kinda like reading a foreign language). Even though in the grand scheme of things, my grass being yellow isn't a huge deal, it is a very visual reminder to me right now of my lack of ability, my failure to be both mother and father. I wasn't meant to be alone. I am not whole on my own. It was such a comfortable thing to know that I didn't have to know it all and could rely on someone to compliment my weaknesses. Something broke, I told Richard, and he either fixed it or found someone who could. A perfect partnership, no? And for my part, I kept Richard and the kids well fed! Now it's like part of me just up and left, and I had no say in it. I feel disabled. I have taken huge steps in the past few months, doing things that just downright scare me and pull me far outside of my comfort zone, it is both exhilarating and exhausting. But my lawn, my stupid yellow lawn...its beyond me!
I have someone coming over to look at my sprinkler system. I asked for help and I will get it. Asking for help is not something that comes easily to me. But being on my own I have learned that sometimes I just can't do it all. I am so blessed to live in an area where so many are willing to help out in any way they can. It makes asking for help that much easier.
My lawn may not recover this year and I may be praying for snow in August, just to cover my yard care ignorance. But my biggest fear is the bigger, more important things. I hope I am up to the challenge and don't find myself fighting a losing battle about something of far more significance than the lawn! I pray for strength each day to recognize these things and to know what to do!
That We Might Have Joy: Shelby's Story
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