Trusting the Process

Grieving and raising a family are not very compatible early on in the process.  I try so hard to be what my kids need me to be right now, because I know this is terribly hard on them and they need someone constant and strong in their lives.  Some days I fail miserably.  A couple of Saturdays ago, Annalina had her first volleyball tournament.  It was an all day event and Richard and I went to each of her tournaments together last year. They were always so much fun.  I wanted to be there for Annalina and let her know that I would always be there to cheer her on.

It was loud and chaotic.  I began to feel physical pain sitting there watching.  I took Advil and Tylenol, but nothing helped as the pain got worse and worse.  Finally after 5 hours I told Annalina I wasn't feeling well and I needed to go home.  She arranged a ride for herself and I left, feeling like an utter failure as a mother.  I got home and climbed into bed and within minutes the severe pain faded and then was gone.  Is my emotional state manifesting itself physically?  And if so, how do I balance my own needs in this grieving process with the needs of my children? I feel the weight of parenthood crushing down around me at times.  I love being a mother. If I could spend eternity raising children, it would truly be heaven to me.  But it is so much harder when it is all up to me, alone.

I spent much of the rest of Saturday in bed. Then came Sunday and I spent the entire day in bed. I just could not leave the comfort of my warm, accepting bed.  I felt so much emotional pain on Sunday.  At times I could not help myself and I laid there sobbing.  I tried to read, but got sleepy each time I opened my book.  It was like the emotional dam that has held back all the feelings of despair had broken completely. The kids spent some time with Adrienne, they spent time together, but they spent little time with me. I just could not do it.

There is no handbook that goes along with grieving.  But there are resources.  Lately I struggle with concentration when I read, but I have been reading bits and pieces of the book, "On Grief and Grieving".  I found a section called Isolation.  It was very familiar to me.  It is what I have always done in times of great emotional upheaval.  I have always felt that I was doing "it" wrong because I turn inward.  But the book told me that isolating is a natural part of the grief process and that it is okay as long as it is just a step and I don't get stuck there.  People often see isolation as a sign of danger. I have a friend who really does not understand that it is okay.  She gets frustrated that I am not ready to go out with her, or when I don't answer my phone, or when I miss church.  She says, "what am I going to do with you".  She loves me and I appreciate her concern. But sometimes I feel I am being judged. I feel like I need to explain myself and right now I just cannot do that.

What I need friends and family to understand is that I am doing the best I can.  I am not one to let anything conquer me and I will get back on my feet and keep fighting to move forward.  That is just who I am.  But there will be setbacks and there will be times when I don't do what seems normal or "right". But I am doing what is right for me.  I am listening very closely to my inner voice, trying to do what is best for me and my family.  I am trying very hard to trust a process that I do not completely understand.  I need for others to trust that I won't give up, but sometimes I will need a break.  I feel like my state of being right now is exhausting. If I had a broken leg no one would question my need to take it easy and heal.  No one would push me to run a marathon, or even walk down the street.  A broken heart is no different.