The Day Life Changed Forever

I woke up in early hours of the morning on January 22nd and my Richard was not in bed.  I went to find him and he said he was unable to sleep and was just checking email.  I went back to bed and left my lamp on so I would not be too deeply asleep when he came back to bed. I wanted to talk with him before we had to start the day. I never saw him again.

He had been feeling down all week, but my sweet husband tried to hide that from us. He didn't want to burden anyone.  As everyone who knew him knows, he was always willing to help with a smile on his face. He was happy, friendly and outgoing, never revealing his inner turmoil.  He never returned to our room and when I awoke I found an email - the saddest email ever - in my inbox.  My sweet husband had been suffering for so long.  He had reached a point of hopelessness and in his dark state of mind, he felt the best thing for everyone would be if he was gone.  He had promised many times over the last year that he would never leave me again and I remember saying out loud, "No, No, No" as I rushed to get dressed. My heart was pounding as I imagined the worst. I somehow managed to get the kids off to school without a word. I thought I could find him and bring him home and love him and it would all be okay.

He had mentioned the Temple in his email so I drove there to look for him, praying the whole way that I would find him alive.  He was not there so I came home to start calling him, never realizing I passed him along the way, but he was already gone.  I called my Bishop, but he was out of the country. I called the first counselor who immediately came over and advised me to call the police right away.  Adrienne rushed home from school when I asked her to and my counselor came over to be with us too.  Richard had left his cell phone on next to his wallet in the Jeep so he could easily be found, but he did not die in his Jeep.  The police came and took information and his cell phone number and shortly after that got a ping nearby.  They left to check on it and when they weren't back in 45 minutes I called the detective. He did not answer. I knew this was a bad sign, and yet a silent plea continued, "please let him be okay".  A few minutes later the police officer and the detective came back with the news that my husband had been found, but that he was not alive. The world stopped in that moment. My mind flooded with thoughts of my children and how crushed they would be, questions about how could I go on alone, without my best friend and eternal companion. They say when you die your life flashes before your eyes. In that moment my future flashed before my eyes, all our plans, our goals, our dreams, how would they be possible now?  The pain was more than anything I have ever felt before.

My sweet daughter Adrienne held my hand as we cried together.   I have a great respect for law enforcement.  They took plenty of time to answer questions and help me understand what would have to happen next.  They were kind and compassionate. I learned later that he was not found where they originally told me his phone had been pinged.  And they would not tell me where he was found until after his body had been taken away.  They worried I would try to go and see Richard and they wanted to protect me from that.  I am grateful.  The detective shared advice from his own experience of losing a child to suicide.  Jacob came home and was so emotional at the news.  The police called the schools to tell them the kids would be leaving early and my sweet friend Taunya picked them up and brought them home.  It was the hardest thing to have to tell them daddy was gone. My counselor told me to be vague and just say that daddy had passed away, but Joseph started to ask the hard questions right away and I had to carefully share that daddy was struggling and took his own life.  Heartache after headache.  My children cried in my arms.  All we could do was cling to each other.  We sat together for hours, in shock over this incredibly heartbreaking loss.

People were in and out all the rest of the day, though I cannot really remember exactly who.  President Parkinson came by and gave the kids and I all blessings.  The police came back a third time to discuss where the body had been taken and details of what would need to be done in the next few days.  They were kind and told me to take the rest of the day and just be with my family. But more people came by and papers needed to be signed.  I had to call and let family know. By evening I felt the need to do something. The police had told me the Jeep was released for pick up, so I had Adrienne drive me to it.  I just sat there crying for quite some time, trying to fathom how this was all possible.  I prayed, I cried some more. Being there, where his last moments took place, my heart just ached for Richard, that he had been so alone, that I was not able to be there to ease his burden.  I drove the Jeep for the first time that night.  I brought it home. It smelled of him.  So many happy memories we had in that Jeep, exploring the beauty of Idaho.  I parked at home and sat there for the longest time, sobbing.

The little kids decided to sleep with me. I was grateful because I did not want them to be alone and I didn't want to be alone either.   I took a sleeping pill.  About an hour after finally falling to sleep I woke up terribly thirsty.  I got up to get a drink and immediately got dizzy.  I leaned against the doorway and closed my eyes for a moment and suddenly I was falling. I was so tired I fell asleep standing there.  I climbed back into bed but didn't sleep more than a couple of hours.  That would be my new normal as far as sleep goes.

Looking back, I don't know how I survived that day emotionally.  Or the days and weeks that followed.   I have been told that I am strong and that I am doing well handling it all.  I appreciate such kind comments, but I have learned that we just do what has to be done. We move forward because there is no choice.  I am grateful for the faith that I have developed over my lifetime. I am grateful for the knowledge that the Lord is our merciful Father who knows our hearts and will make sure all is as it should be in the end, which is really just the beginning.  I am grateful for the love and support my family has received and I will write more on that later.  Mostly I felt the need to record my experience, to make this a part of our family history.  I don't know what our future holds, but I want to be able to remind myself that I am a survivor, that I can do impossible things, that I am strong.  And I hope at some point someone at the beginning of their journey of heartache might read this and know there is hope.  As dark as things may seem, the light will eventually start to shine through.