5 Things About Grief

Here are my thoughts on some advice I just read on grief.

"#1 - It won't look normal. What the heck is normal anyway? Cry, don't cry, walk around in a daze - it's ALL NORMAL."
Funny thing about me, I like to do things "right", how I perceive they should be done. I struggled for a while in counseling because I felt like I was doing it wrong.  The same has happened with grieving.  A sweet friend came to visit me last week. She said she had heard that people were worried about me because I wouldn't go out walking with them or go visit with them or answer my phone.  She wanted to check in with me to be sure I was ok.  I apologized and started to explain how sometimes its just hard to pick up the phone, or to leave my house.  How the world seems somehow scary to me now that it is missing the presence of my sweet companion Richard.  How I am afraid someone will need something from me that I just cannot give right now.  She said I did not need to explain it to her.  She told me I was doing what my mind/body/spirit needs at this time to feel safe and that grief looks different to everyone experiencing it.  I am a worrier, I am often more likely to try not to offend someone than take care of myself and my own needs.  She told me that my friends are not offended when I don't take them up on their offers and that was nice to hear. They are just trying to help in any way they can think of.  That day I learned its okay to admit I am not okay and that I don't have to put on the face of "everything being okay" when its not, when I am not.  I don't have to grieve in the way that seems "normal" and that each day my grief can look very different. 

So what is normal?  Some days I cannot get out of bed, some days I cannot stay in bed. Some nights I sleep an incredibly long stretch at a time, other nights I barely get an hour or two of sleep.  Some days I feel no emotion, other days I could cry all day long if I allowed myself to.  Some days I feel ambitious and attempt to get things done, others I can barely motivate myself to take a shower, let alone plan dinner for my family.  One thing hasn't changed, and that is this: I miss my husband so much. And I love him still.  Some days life just feels like it is something to endure and while I have heard that the joy will return to my life, I just don't see it...yet.

"#2 - You will want to talk about the person who died - at length."
When my mother was here I talked a TON about Richard and our life together.  She was wonderful to sit and listen to me and to join in with her own thoughts and memories.  So much reminds me of him and it is hard for me not to talk about him. Having my mother here to listen to me was very therapeutic. She loved my husband so much and that has been such a blessing to me.  Sometimes when I talk about Richard in front of the kids, its makes them sad, so I find myself thinking carefully about what I say about him.  A couple of weeks ago I wanted to write down memories of him that the kids have so we could always remember them.  It was too soon and Annalina just turned around and went to her room.  I found her later in her closet with the door closed.  It is a tough balancing act, all of us grieving in our own way.

"#3 - People will shun you to protect themselves from feeling uncomfortable."
I am probably hyper aware that some people are uncomfortable around me.  And its okay, it makes perfect sense to me. I try not to talk too much about things with people I sense may be uncomfortable.  I have a few very close friends who come by to visit whom I feel very comfortable sharing with.  My friend Lisa came from Oregon to spend almost a week here in Rexburg with me and I was telling her how everyone is always asking me if I am working yet and sometimes it drives me crazy.  She told me it was a safe question for people, that it showed they were interested in my life and how we are doing without talking about the heavy stuff.  Brilliant!  That made so much sense to me and that question doesn't bother me anymore.  The last thing I want is to make other people feel uncomfortable.  Maybe that is another reason I prefer to stay in my home and not interact with people.

"#4 - You will laugh at the most inappropriate things probably for the rest of your life. I call it widow humor."
I think my mom and I started to do this a bit while she was here.  Sometimes its easier to laugh at the things that really hurt rather than to cry about them.  I don't do this a whole lot yet, but I can see where it may be something that develops as time goes on.

"#5 - You will smile again and at first it will make you feel incredibly guilty but in time you realize your smile is a tribute to their life."
The first few days after Richard's death I could not eat and I barely drank. I couldn't listen to music. I could not play cell phone games for weeks. I could not watch tv shows or movies or read books. I felt like it wasn't right that I should go on doing things that I enjoyed when he had been in such despair that he took his own life.I felt like I had to punish myself for still being alive when I couldn't keep him here.  And before anyone says, "you must know this was not your fault and there was nothing you could do to save him", please realize that my mind understands this, but my heart still struggles with it. If I could go back, knowing how bad things were for him, I believe he would still be here and I could have made a difference. I try to keep things light with the kids, we giggle, tease, and play and at times life seems almost normal again.  But it doesn't always feel real or complete.

I am trying so hard to understand what has happened and what will happen next.  I want to see the big picture. I am tired of devastating surprises in life, but complaining about it is not the way to learn and grow.  I find myself leaning on my faith and the Lord to help me develop into the person He knows I can be.  I cling to the beauty of the Plan of Salvation.  I see myself walking into the arms of my husband someday and I find that comforting.  As much as I know that life is a gift, I truly look forward to that day.

Laid To Rest - The Story Through Photographs

Wednesday, the 28th of January, was the culmination of so many emotions as we laid Richard to rest and said our goodbyes to this wonderful man, husband, father and friend.  I will post more when I am emotionally able to, but for now here are some gorgeous photos my daughter, Adrienne, took at the cemetery. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. These photos speak volumes to my heart...

 

Richard Loomis - Life Sketch

Richard Charles Loomis, was born July 12, 1969 in Palm Springs California. He was the only child of Ron and Peggy Loomis.  His mother left the family unexpectedly when Richard was just the tender age of 5 and his life after that was very difficult.  He shared heartbreaking stories with me, things no child should experience, but I saw so much strength in him for his desire to survive even the worst of circumstances. 

Richard spent his entire youth in Palm Springs and during high school he worked in a computer shop as well as a print shop.  Right after he graduated from high school he enlisted in the army.  He served for over four years and was stationed in many different places.  For someone used to the intense heat of Palm Springs he loved his time in upstate New York in the winter.  He earned many awards and accommodations in the Army and served as an aero scout and a helicopter mechanic.  When he left the army he spent several years in the National Guard.  He was so proud to serve his country and we loved to listen to his stories of his service around the US as well as in Korea.  

After leaving the military he went home to Palm Springs and worked in construction.  He decided he didn't like working outside in the scorching heat and wanted a change. Some friends who worked for an airline were going to be relocated to Portland Oregon. They suggested he come along with them.  When their plans fell through he went anyway, having only been there once and not knowing a single person, he had fallen in love with Oregon and felt it was where he was supposed to be.  

He posted to an Oregon bulletin board that he was looking for work and a place to stay temporarily. I happened to read and respond to his post and we got along wonderfully from the start.  Since I was newly divorced and moving back to my parents’ home, I invited him to take over the last month of my lease.  Even though I was living with my parents I had years of things to sort through and Richard jumped right in to help.  We were inseparable from the start.  I had two small children, but he loved them as his own.  From the beginning he came to Sunday dinner at my parents’ house and that was pretty much it!  My mom told me if I didn't marry him she would adopt him.  And her cooking was more than he could say no to!  We were best friends and love came shortly after.  That deep friendship has always stayed strong.

Richard and I married in Hillsboro, Oregon on May 15, 2000. Again, he accepted my children, Adrienne and Jacob as his own and loved them so much.  For a few years he had a motorcycle and got the kids a helmet so he could take them for occasional rides for birthdays and other special occasions.

He worked for most of our marriage at Tektronix in Beaverton, Oregon. He worked in the information technology department and was well loved by all he worked with.  

Richard was not a member of the church when I married him and had little interest in learning about it until our sweet Adrienne began to prepare for baptism.  He watched Adrienne prepare and was so impressed and then attended her baptism and felt the spirit so strongly that he started to ask questions, a lot of questions.  Questions I did not always know the answers to.  My dad who had been bishop for years spent hours with Richard, answering him and teaching him.  They developed such a strong bond. One day my dad said, "I know a couple of guys who could teach you more".   It seemed that each time the missionaries came to teach, they were on splits.  Their companions were always stake presidents, or former bishops. I always felt the Lord sent in the heavy hitters to get Richard's attention.  Within a couple of months my father baptized Richard.  

On December 16th of 2001, our sweet Annalina Marie was born.  He adored her even before her arrival. From the moment she entered this world he never left her side.  If they needed her for testing, he went along, he was her protector.  She spent her first year sleeping in our room and each morning we'd pull her into bed with us and they'd play and giggle together.  They have always enjoyed a very special bond.

Two year after we were married, Richard took our family of five to the temple to be sealed.  What a blessing it was to have all three children sealed to us.  There was a delay of some kind and Richard and I found ourselves sitting in the Celestial Room for about an hour together.  What a special time that was for us to reflect on eternity together. 

On April 22, 2005 we welcomed Joseph Charles into our family.  Again there was a very special bond between father and son.  When Joseph failed to gain weight his first week, Richard fed him with his finger and a small tube in the middle of the night so I could get some rest.  Richard has always been so tender and loving with our children. He taught me so much about patience and how to be a good parent.

I went back to school a few years after Joseph was born. Richard was so proud of me and did everything in his power to help me succeed. He arranged his schedule so he could be home after school with the kids. We had many late study nights where he quizzed me and helped me prepare for tests and finals.  I earned my associates degree and wanted to continue.  At the time Adrienne was considering BYU-I and I mentioned jokingly how fun it would be to go to school with her. Richard loved that idea and looked into working remotely for Tektronix.  When it was approved we moved to Rexburg where Richard worked extra hard at his job as well as taking half time classes.  We quickly fell in with the area and the people and made plans to stay. In July I finally earned my bachelors degree and he was so proud of me.

Shortly after we moved here we bought a piano and Richard found much joy listening to the children learn to play.  Joseph especially took to the piano and was enrolled in classes on campus for a while. He was a joy to listen to and Richard was so proud. It was always Richard’s hope to get him into regular lessons, which is something I hope to be able to do soon.  Annalina started playing the violin in middle school and Richard always loved to hear her practice. Attending her concerts was a highlight for him. 

At church he held various callings.  His first was unofficial as he was not yet baptized, but I was on the activities committee and he came along to help. Soon he was MC-ing talent shows and helping plan Christmas parties.  He was so loved by everyone he worked with. Once he was officially a member, he served in various callings from cubmaster and 11 year old scout leader to ward mission leader. His favorite calling was in scouts.  He loved working with our son Jacob.  And he worked hard to make a difference in the lives of the other boys he worked with. He went to camp every summer with the boys and then went ice caving in the winter, leaving me home to worry endlessly!  He even bought a bright orange Land Rover for their scouting adventures.  He also jumped in to help at Young Women's camp.  When they needed priesthood leaders for hiking he always tried to volunteer. As fun as it was for him, he also wanted to spend time with Adrienne and make sure she was doing okay.  

Richard was an avid outdoorsman. He spent many weekends with Annalina, Joseph and I off-roading in his Jeep. He truly enjoyed exploring the beauty of Idaho with us and even once took me to picnic at the top of a mountain in Kelly Canyon. He also loved camping and when the family lived in Oregon, there was always an annual summer camping trip to Fort Stevens.  He loved dragonflies and one year we happened to be camping during a rare dragonfly migration.  Thousands of them went zipping by, it was amazing. 

Richard struggled so much over the past few years. There was much from his youth that he was working to overcome. Often he struggled alone because he did not want to burden those around him.  He loved to serve others, he loved to smile and laugh.  Others loved him too and I have appreciated hearing that from so many people.  Richard is my best friend and I can say that we had a fun marriage, a good marriage, a loving marriage.  I know without a doubt that he loves me. 

My father passed away a couple of years ago and it was hard on both of us. Richard loved my mom and dad and they loved him as the son they never had. Often he would tell me, "I miss your dad so much".  I ache to think of Richard's last  moments in this life and the misery and hopelessness he was experiencing all by himself, but I am grateful to know that afterward my father was there to comfort him and I am grateful for the peace he is feeling now.  

It hurts so much to let go of my best friend, the love of my life.  I ache to think of the dreams we shared that won't happen, but I know I will see him again. I know that families can be together forever.  I am grateful for the gospel and the atonement and I am grateful for my Savior for helping to hold me up when I feel I just can't go on.  It is left to me to continue on and work harder than ever to make sure my family returns to our Heavenly Father and so that our family can truly be together forever.

Ramblings of a Broken Heart and Clouded Mind

"We've found your husband...I'm sorry to say that he is deceased."  Words spoken kindly and gently and yet they ripped through my life like a class 5 hurricane.  Lost dreams, broken hearts...nothing will ever be the same.  How can our world ever be okay again?  How do I mend the hearts of my sweet children who miss their daddy so much and can't possibly understand why and how this happened?  How do I put myself back together enough so that they I can help them?  How do I be strong when my best friend left me permanently alone in this life?  By choice...he left of his own free will.  I understand that his mind was darkened with mental anguish, but it breaks my heart that the love I have for him couldn't get through to him in the end.  I feel like a failure and my mind races maddeningly with thoughts of what I could have done differently...desperately wishing I could go back and change things.

I realize this may have been the outcome a year ago when our family felt the full effects of my husband's mental illness for the first time.  A year ago today he left for a month, disappearing without a word.  We prayed and fasted and prayed some more.  He finally came back to us, broken, but home.  Many times over the past year he has promised me he would never leave me again, unless I asked him to.  He left, for good this time, and he promised me he wouldn't.  How does my mind even begin to process this?  He told me that last year he wanted to die and he was not going to come home.  But then he wanted to hear my voice one more time.  He was so disconnected with our world that he had no idea what I had been doing to try to find him.  That I was not angry and only wanted him home where he could get the help he needed while wrapped in the arms of his loving family. He thought he would call, and I would be angry, and he could make his permanent exit from life.  He was wrong and I am grateful for that.

I feel this past year is a gift.  We struggled, we worked hard to get over temporarily broken hearts, we talked, we laughed, we spent so much time together, we struggled some more, things were far from perfect, but we kept trying.   I tried so hard to understand what was going on inside his mind.  I knew he wasn't capable of sharing everything, so I tried to be patient with him and just love him.  Sometimes I failed at that, wanting change to come quicker.  He was my best friend.  I miss him so much. It hurts terribly, but if I was given the choice, I'd do it all over again.  The 15 years of our marriage were worth this terrible pain.  Our family is worth it.  He is worth that to me, and more.  I only wish he could have seen that.

I have faith that through the Atonement all will be made right in the end.  I know that we can be a forever family, as we always planned.  I know my children and even myself will be okay through the comfort that only the Savior can give us.  My doctor asked me today, as I sat in his office having an anxiety attack, if I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.  No, there is no light and there is no tunnel, as it feels I am in a small dark place and there is no way out.  But I do believe that relief will come.  In time.  I am once again choosing faith and  not fear.  As heartbreaking as it is to move forward without my Richard, I know I can do it.  But life stretches out so long in front of me...

So much So fast

I saw my doctor yesterday.   I tried to be strong, but instead I sat in the waiting room sobbing, luckily I was alone and didn't have to wait too long.  Doctor Hardy is so kind and gave me such good advice.  He prescribed me something to help me sleep. Something very heavy duty, since the night before I only got a total of about 2 hours of sleep using my old Rx.  Last night I took a pill and climbed into bed.  Both kids came in to sleep with me and my sweet Annalina started to cry. She said that she keeps forgetting that daddy isn't coming home.  I fought the effects of my pill and comforted her for quite a while.  My heart is already broken and yet it breaks into smaller pieces to see my sweet children suffer.  Two and a half hours later I was wide awake and obsessing about the obituary that was due today.  I was so worried about doing a good job telling about Richard's life.  Things kept going through my mind.  I finally got up and typed out what had come to me.  Then I started going through photos for the obituary and program.  What a brutal experience that was.  Having to look at photo after photo of good times with the man I love!  I cried and cried.  Someday I hope to get to the point where those photos bring me joy.  But that time is not in sight yet.

I had to go to the funeral home to go over some things.  Sweet Adrienne went with me.  The funeral director helped us finish up the obituary and didn't even get upset that it wasn't completely done.  (Why did I feel like a schoolgirl turning in an unfinished report?)  He was kind and helpful to us.  I had found the perfect photo.  It was of Richard and Adrienne together on her wedding day.  He cropped it down so it was just Richard and the look on Richard's face is priceless. He was so happy and proud of Adrienne that day.  I am grateful I found that photo.  It is exactly how I want my husband to be remembered.

After all that, I spent some time with my husband.  It was so painful and yet such a tender experience, to touch his face which was hard and then to touch his hands which were soft.  At times I wish I could feel anger towards him for taking himself away from us like this.  Then the pain would take a back seat to the anger.  But all I can feel right now is a great love and compassion for him and what he must have gone through to end up doing what he did.  I am heartbroken he was so alone. I am sad he didn't feel that he could share his desperation with me.  I miss him so very much.  He no longer looks like himself.  They did quite a bit of work on my dear husband, but the damage he did to himself was great.  I carefully asked the kids if they felt they wanted to see him one last time and was grateful to hear that they would prefer to remember him as he was.  Adrienne was with me every minute.  I know it wasn't easy for her, but she was there loving me and supporting me and it was so very precious.  I talked to him.  I hope he heard me.  I think he did.  These kind of losses are so hard because there is so much left unsaid. 

Professional Fun in the Snow

 My little people photographed by my oldest little! I am so grateful to Adrienne for the amazing photography skills she shares with us!

Elder Stafford - Pics

 

Weekend Explorations

We are running out of time!  Some of our favorite areas will close soon for the winter. Also, I have been really sick this week and needed to get out of the house for a bit.  So we decided to head to our favorite new spot to do some more exploring.  We have been out this way 4 times now and each time we manage to see new wonderful things!

We saw a herd of deer, we went up some steep climbs, we found some fun sticks and Harry Potter wands, we met some rangers and were given a cool new map, and we even hiked a bit to check out some of the areas.  Near the end of our adventure we saw a very steep hill and decided to try it out. We got to the top and found we had taken the back way up to the top of some ski runs, complete with chair lifts and amazing views!  We worked our way down and found at the base that we were at the Kelly Canyon Ski Resort.  We met the owner and learned all about ski classes.  Fun!  I adore my family!  There is no one else I would rather spend the day with!  We miss the two older kids and look forward to the times we get to spend with them as well!

 My goofball!

Remembering the Good Times

This was picnic on a mountain day. Best date ever! I worried that photos of Richard would always make me sad. But I like to be reminded of the happy memories. There are so very many of them! Grateful I took a moment to capture this one. I miss my husband.

Returning with Honor

Today we will welcome Elder Stafford back into our home and our daily lives.  He has faithfully served the Lord and the people of North Carolina for the past six months.  I am so proud of him and his ability to continue working hard even when things were so difficult for him. He gave everything he had and that is what a mission is all about!

We talked to his Mission President yesterday and he told us what a diligent and obedient missionary Jacob is.  He assured us that Jacob will receive a certificate of completion. He also told us Jacob will continue to be a missionary for the rest of his life. I know this to be true, as Jacob was an amazing missionary even before he left for North Carolina. 

We are so excited to see Jacob again after all this time. We are proud of him and his service. The kids look up to him and have expressed their desire to follow in his footsteps and serve missions themselves one day!

I want to let Jacob know how much we love him!  We could not be prouder of him and we are thrilled to welcome him home! 

Congratulations Elder Stafford, for returning with honor!