It's been a while

I have put a lot of thought into my blog lately.  I received so much positive feedback from people who felt that the blog helped them think more closely about their own lives and marriages and I appreciated hearing such kind comments.  One person sent criticism that my blog could possibly damage any hope of repairing my marriage.  I tried not to take that one personally since this person doesn't even know me or my family and obviously did not take the time to read all the entries I posted expressing my love and concern for my husband while he was gone.  One of the first things I did when Richard came home was ask if he wanted me to delete all the blog posts I had written. We talked about it in depth and he said no, he did not want that.  

During the month that I was alone, many people read my blog and sent me messages of love and support. I appreciated that so much.  I have not wanted to post anything too personal out of respect for Richard and the things he is dealing with at this time. But now that he is home, I find I am in a very lonely place.  I know that I am still loved by friends, family and neighbors. I also know that most people are giving us space because, well, we have a lot of work to do in our home.  But there are times when I feel so alone!  I have a couple of very close friends who regularly send me notes of encouragement and I want them to know what a lifeline they have become to me. I also got a phone call from a sweet friend who moved away a couple of months ago. She just wanted to check that I was doing okay and I was very touched by this.

There is still so much work to do, both personally and in the marriage. Some days feel like we are moving backwards instead of forward.  Sometimes I feel such sadness and loss and I feel so alone.  I wish I had the answers, but one thing I do feel strongly about is that there is no hurry.  Things will work out as they are supposed to.  I have felt frustrated by the lack of a concrete answer to my situation. Answers that I have been praying so hard to find. But I have come to realize that perhaps the timing just isn't right yet.  I have faith that the answers will come when I am ready for them.

The Worth of Souls

The kids and I have received so much support over the past month or so.  I am extremely grateful for all those who love us and were ready and willing to express that to us when we needed it most.  Recently I received a very insightful and loving message from an old ward member in Oregon and I want to talk a little about what he had to say, as it touched me deeply.

He requested that I help Richard to feel not so alone and that I remind him of his goodness.  This makes me think of the scripture in DandC that says, "The worth of souls is great in the eyes of God".  That is something I think of each and every day. I try to help Richard see that as well.  The Lord loves him and will never give up on him.  I won't either.  This man also said if he was here, he would encircle Richard in his arms and asked if I would do so on his behalf when I was ready.  I love this so much.  Not just words, but actions to express such deep emotion and understanding!  I do hug my husband every day.  I am trying to help him see himself as the great man that he is.  In viewing him as the Lord sees him, it is easy to let go of negative emotions and feel a pure love for him.  I see my husband's infinite worth and I know that he is worth every bit of effort that will be required of us.

The response to our situation has been extremely positive here in Rexburg and from dear friends in Oregon and family across the country.  It is easy for me to see and feel the love everyone has for my husband, as well as our family as a whole.  I worried so much about our family being judged and even asked that people please not do so.  It seems that for the most part, that was never an issue.  People are kind and loving.  They see the goodness in my husband and they love him for that.  This has meant so much to me. And I hope as he comes to see this, it will mean a lot to him as well.

Where Is My Happily Ever After?

My husband is home. It is what I prayed for. But it is not turning out to go the way I had envisioned...a loving embrace, tears, all the words I need to hear, all the words he needs to hear, incredible joy on both of our parts that the healing can start now.  Oh, and in my vision, a box of chocolates, a huge bouquet of flowers, and a beam of sunlight shining down on us from above.  Yeah, I may have been overreaching, but for four weeks all I could do was imagine the possibility that I would see him again and that we could find a way to make this work. There were a lot of minutes to fill with pointless daydreaming. One thing I do know, no amount of chocolate, flowers, sunlight, or even diamonds can make this right.  It is going to take a LOT of work on both of our parts. I am willing and able.  He is not...yet.

He is not filled with joy, he is depressed, more depressed than I knew he was capable of.  The truth is he cannot give me what I need right now and I cannot express to you just how frustrating that is. He caused this pain, I want him to make it right, RIGHT NOW!  I am tired of suffering and wondering what the future holds. He can make me no promises.  And I have to live with that.  My first inclination is to get angry (and sadly, I must admit that inside my mind, I have).  I want to lash out at him and make him hurt just as badly as I hurt.  Will that help?  Would he then be able to see what he has done to me emotionally?  No.  There is no way to "help" him see that until he is ready, if that time ever comes.  And deep down, I know he is suffering incredibly, he is still lost in his own darkness.  Right now I need to be a light to him rather than pushing him further down the path to nowhere.  

The patience that I developed to wait for a month, wondering if I would ever see him again, must now be used again to give him the time that he needs to prepare himself for the healing process.  I am not entirely sure he will get there, but I pray that with time he will come to be able to understand what I need to make this work and what he needs as well. I am trying so hard to give him what he needs.  Despite my inner turmoil, I try to say encouraging words to him. I try to express my gratitude that he is home with us.  I tell him that we prayed for him constantly, that we never gave up hope.  I don't know that he hears me, but maybe at some point he will be ready to.  I can only pray that he will.

So where is my happily ever after?  It is coming. It may take time.  It won't be easy waiting and then working for it.  And I don't know how it will look right now. But I know in time it will come.

Answered Prayers

I have been  hoping and praying to be able to write this post for almost a month.  Richard is at last home. He is safely with us again.  This is a direct answer to thousands of prayers and lots of fasting.  This is exactly what we asked for, and yet, although there are feelings of relief that he is home, there are a myriad of other emotions that I did not expect to feel.  There is much work to be done and I don't know just how long it will take to get there, or even where we will end up, but we will move forward and see where the path to recovery leads.

For those who are worried for me and my emotional safety, I thank you so much for your love and concern.  I know all too well that the trust my marriage was built on is broken.  I know that he could leave again at any time and that I am not in control of his choices.  I promise you that I am moving forward carefully.  I am guarding my heart and doing my best to protect my children's fragile emotional state.  Yesterday I spent almost three hours with the counselor at Joseph's school.  We formulated a plan for Joseph and Annalina and then we talked about me and where I am at with this.  This man is amazing. He gave me great insight and ideas and I am grateful that at the last minute he was willing and able to see me.

All four of the kids put aside their anger and willingly forgave Richard immediately.  Annalina and Joseph spent the evening by his side. Joseph is especially happy and remembers to thank Heavenly Father in each prayer he says. The kids have a lot of questions but we went into this letting them know that they may ask Richard whatever they need to, whenever they need to. This has been a healthy thing for them as they are not pressured to ask it all at once and can ponder their feelings and process them in their own time. I am grateful for the amazing resilience of children although I know that there is a lot going on inside their precious little minds. I will be watching them carefully for years to come, I am sure.  The children are still sleeping in my room with me and I feel that it comforts me as well as them.

After the heartache I have felt for the past month, I find myself feeling numb.  I love my husband and I am grateful he has returned.  I feel much compassion towards him because of the darkness that pulled him away from us.  I also feel I am in a state of shock and at times I find myself afraid. I am trying to replace that fear with faith.  Now the real work begins and I pray that I will feel the guiding influence of the Spirit as we go forward trying to mend the broken pieces of our marriage.  I don't think this is something he and I can do alone. It will require much support and direction from above.

Again I ask that you not judge my husband.  Knowing the pain he caused us, it took a great deal for him to come back and it will not be an easy road for him to fix the damage he has done.  He will be working very hard to get healthy emotionally.  He will also be working hard to fix relationships.  He can use all the love and support he can get.  

Thank you for the prayers you have offered on behalf of our family. Thank you for fasting with me on Sunday.  I asked all who joined to help me fast that the love we feel for Richard and the light and love of our Heavenly Father would somehow penetrate the darkness he was dwelling in.  He told me Sunday was a turning point for him.  I know this is not a coincidence.  Please continue to pray for my family, that whatever the outcome is, we can be safe and happy in the end, no matter what happens.  I love you dear friends and family!

Not all about me....

My last post was all about me and the effect this whole experience has had on me.  I was feeling a little self centered, but now I need to acknowledge that I am not the only one in pain here. Yes, he left me, but he left us. He left our beautiful children.  They are sad, they are angry, they are hurt beyond anything I can possibly imagine for children so young and innocent.  I can live with what he has done to me, but I don't know if I can live with what he has done and is doing to the children.

Joseph's anger is changing him. He is such a sweet little boy, but he gets mad so easily now. He lashes out at the smallest thing.  I need to find a way to get him help with dealing with these issues.  We talked today about moving to a smaller place.  I joked that it could have one bedroom for the three of us, since we all share a room right now.  He said, "but where will daddy sleep when he gets home?".  When his pj's were in the washer and it was bedtime I grabbed an old t-shirt of Richard's for him to sleep in. He got mad and said he would not wear it because its daddy's.  It was silly of me not to consider this.  Joseph is angry and hurt and he does not know how to let it out.

Annalina is angry too, but she expresses it through sadness and tears.  It hurts me so much to see her cry. I asked her what she would do it daddy came home and she said she would turn away and go to her room until she knew what else to do. She is confused. We all are.  She and Richard have always been so close. She has emailed him with no reply.  She feels abandoned and it is heartbreaking to watch her struggle with this.

Jacob doesn't talk about it much, but he is a young man of few words. I know it has affected him but I don't know how deeply.  So far, he has been my rock in Richard's absence. I need to be careful not to ask too much of him.  But I have been amazed at his capacity for understanding.

Adrienne has been sick almost constantly since Richard left.  I worry that her emotions have no outlet and they manifest through illness.  I know she is here for me and she loves us and is willing to help. But physically she has struggled these past few weeks.

I pray every day for guidance in how to help my children deal with the pain and loss they are experiencing. I know others are praying for them too and I am so grateful for that.  I know that now, more than ever before in my life, I have to be the very best mom I can be.  I have to be calm in dealing with outbursts, I have to listen attentively when they need me, and most of all I need to help them to know that I am not going anywhere. I will be here for them!

So, I have been dumped....

...deserted, discarded, left, forgotten, jilted, rejected, abandoned...well you get the point.  I just have to get it all out there, all at once.  My husband left me!  Wow, there is something I NEVER expected to say.  My husband, who in the days before leaving was telling me how much he loved me, has left me!  Yes, it is true! My husband left me in the most horrible way I can imagine. No hint, no word, no note explaining himself, I wasn't even sure he was alive for a couple of days there.  There are times when I still wonder if he is.  His disappearance was on the news, it was in the paper.  People still say, "so glad they found him, bet you are glad to have him home", only he's not home and I have no idea where he is.  While my mind is quick to give me all the reasons I am at fault for his disappearance, my heart is telling me that is was not us or me, I think it was just him.

So how should I feel about this?  Just a few years ago I would be hiding away, horrified that the world thought I was a failure as a wife. I am sure there are some people who look at me and imagine I must be pretty horrible to cause him to leave like he did.  I just can't seem to make myself care about that.  I heard once that the older you get the less the opinions of others means and that might just be it.  It also may be that I know the truth, as much as can be known at this point, and if others don't understand that, it just doesn't matter to me.

How I feel is devastated that he is gone and I don't fully understand why. I feel a deep sense of loss at the disappearance of my best friend and a relationship that I have always cherished.  I feel like I am no longer whole.  I feel sad at all the many future dreams and goals we had together that just cannot be without him here. I feel overwhelmed that it all rests on my shoulders now. That I am the one who must make all the decisions, change all the light bulbs, figure out how to fix things, earn the money we will survive on, attend to ALL the needs of my children, whether I feel qualified or not.  I also feel tired, so very tired.

Each day is different, each hour can be very different too.  One day I will wake up with an aching so deep in my heart I can hardly breath. Other days I wake up thinking this can't be real.  Often I feel like I am in a daze.  At times I accept what has happened and I think of the future, and the plans I am making are not bad at all.  At these times I see a day where the kids and I are truly happy again.  Sometimes I can hear his Jeep pulling into the driveway and I am certain he is coming home to us.  It is still so hard for me to think this could be permanent.  I still hope it is not and that something, somehow will reach him and he will remember us, and long for us and come home to us so we can work on mending the bridges he has worked so hard to burn to ashes.

Feeling Pain

My dear Aunt Linda sent me a wonderful article about the atonement.  It is, "The Atonement Covers All Pain" by Kent F. Richards.  He talks about the pain we must all endure and that the atonement can help us because the Savior suffered every affliction, sickness, sorrow and heartache.  He knows exactly how to help us, if we let him.  He also talks about pain being part of the learning and growing process.  Sometimes we are confused as we cry out for relief and do not get it right away.  I have learned that just as the Savior suffered for all of our sins and pains in Gethsemane so he could understand how best to help us, we must bear the pain for a time, so that we can understand our Savior and his love for us. It is beautiful.  When you are in the midst of terrible pain, it may seem cruel, but it is not.  Know that he will bear you up even as you suffer.  Even in the blur of emotional turmoil, he will help you put one foot in front of the other.  He will send aid through other people and through ministering angels. I know this to be true.

If we asked for the pain to be taken and it was, instantly, would we ever learn and grow from that pain?  No, just as we must know the bad to know the good, we must feel pain in order to appreciate the relief that will come. So when we are in the midst of the worst suffering we have ever felt and we cry out to the Lord for help, we must be patient and understand that relief will come.  We just need to have the faith that it will come and that all will be well in time.

Its been three weeks and I still feel a deep aching in my heart.  But there are moments of peace.  Yesterday I went to the temple to do initiatories.  I felt the need to hear those blessings, but I felt like surely I would cry the whole way though. I almost didn't go, then I prayed and just went.  I listened to those beautiful promises and I felt peace. I did not cry once. I know that was a miracle and I know the Lord allowed me to hear those amazing promises without feeling the pain I was sure they would bring.

Today I did not want to go to church.  My mind kept telling me to stay home, take the day off, catch up on sleep.  I know some people are uncomfortable around me and don't know what to say, and that is okay, probably perfectly normal.  Others are so quick to offer their love and support, and it is much appreciated.  But it all feels awkward to me.  At times I am not sure what to say or how to react and I hope that people understand that.  But I think that doing something that feels so challenging emotionally shows the Lord that I am willing to sacrifice. I will work hard for the relief I seek.  I won't hide myself away from the world, I will be strong and await the comfort that I know will come.

Painful reminders...everywhere

The other night was the Blue and Gold Banquet for Joseph.  It was hard to be there.  Richard and I have done scouting together for a lot of years. When I got the calling in the Primary Presidency and we learned I was responsible for being the Scout Committee Chair, Richard willingly offered to help out in that capacity so I would not be too overwhelmed. It soon became his calling and it was fun to work with him again.  I missed him last night.  Next month is the pinewood derby and I have to figure out how to help Joseph get his car made.  Will I ever be able to sit back and enjoy a pack meeting without sadness?

I had to leave early to take Annalina to her volleyball practice.  The sky was dark and clear and there were so many stars. I was reminded of a night last fall when Richard and I were coming home from Idaho Falls.  I saw three stars together and asked him if they were part of Orion's belt.  He pulled over on a deserted country road and got out his cell phone to look up the constellations.  It was fun to be all alone on a dark country road looking at the beautiful stars. Seeing them now just hurts my heart and I wonder if that pain will ever truly go away.

There are certain meals I just can't cook.  Richard loved to help me in the kitchen. He loved to slice and dice and prep things for meals. We have many favorite dishes that everyone loves, but the thought of making them is too much for me.

There is snow in the forecast for tomorrow.  Richard and I have loved the snow since moving to Rexburg. We look forward to its beauty and it was not uncommon for me to walk into his office and see the weather website up on one of his screens. We both loved a good storm-rain, snow, thunder and lightning.  I wonder if weather will now cause an aching in my heart as it causes some people an aching in their bones.

One of our funnest vacations was just a few years ago when we took all of the kids to Disneyland. We were planning to take Annalina and Joseph there again after I graduated.  The thought of going now, to the happiest place on earth, almost makes me feel ill.  We actually traveled a lot as a family. I always planned our trips and Richard got us there.  We went to Yellowstone, Midway, the beaches of Oregon, camping at Fort Stevens, ski boat fun at Clear Lake, trips to Wolf Creek and Lagoon, so many happy memories.  I don't want to do these things without Richard.  How will I ever take my kids on vacation, or to the water park, or sledding in the snow, or camping without remembering those fun times with him as part of our family.  Will the pain ever subside enough to enjoy these activities?  Or am I doomed to do them anyway to keep some normalcy for the kids, but deep down the pain will never end?  So many unanswered questions. Such loss.  At times it is unbearable. At these times I choose to have hope that we don't have to live out our lives without Richard, that he will realize what he is missing and come home.

The kids are feeling it too, I can tell.  We used to watch Merlin and Voyager as a family.  Most nights before bed we would watch an episode together. Recently, Annalina asked if we could watch an episode of Merlin, but Joseph got angry and refused because that is something we do with daddy.  Today while Annalina was using the computer to do homework I told Joseph he could use the one in daddy's office.  He said no, it felt too weird and he got really sad.  Life with Richard is all they know.  There are reminders of him everywhere, constantly.  If my heart aches so, how must they feel?  And how in the world do I help them process that pain when I have no idea how to control my own pain?  I know the answer.  A lot of prayer and being ready to receive answers and guidance through the Spirit. It sounds simply, but its not.  But I will keep trying.

I wonder if he misses us. I wonder if he sees things that bring up memories and I wonder if it feels like a dagger to his heart. Is he happy, is he angry, is he feeling utter hopelessness, is he numb to all emotion?  I have no idea, but I do wonder if he has just blocked us from his mind?  Or does he think of us and miss us? I wish I knew that much.

A Difficult Day

I learned today that Richard's employer, who has been extremely fair and patient, needs to terminate his employment.  I understand this. He left them in a tough position and with no contact from him, what else can they do?  It is however, really hard for me to think about.  This job he has had for our entire marriage is over and it breaks my heart.  It makes him being away seem so final.

So many things he has just walked away from.  A job that allowed him to move his family in order to get an education.  A wife who adores him.  Four children who love him so much. The list is much longer than that, but mentioning things like a nice home to live in just seems weak when compared to the family he has walked away from.

It was a dark and gloomy day for me emotionally. I was feeling hopeless for the first time in a while when I realized I forgot to pray this morning. I was so tired from a long sleepless night that I did not kneel to pray when I got up.  The power of prayer is very real to me, I know that the Lord hears me. I immediately knelt to pray and felt a calm come over me.  I still feel sad, but the hopelessness has faded and I feel hope once again.  

This coming Sunday is Fast Sunday. Many of my family members across the country will be joining me to fast once again.  This time I will fast that Richard will be able to feel our love and the Lord's love and that whatever is keeping him away will fade in comparison to the importance of him coming home.  I invite all friends and family who wish to join with us to fast and/or pray for my family and specifically for Richard.  

Kid Comforts

Today I went to devotional.  On the way out some girls were handing out carnations to advertise for some bridal show.  When the girl asked if I wanted one, I said yes, and my first thought was Annalina.  I took it home and laid it on her pillow.  When she got home I told her I had something for her that reminds me of her.  She was thrilled at the pink and white carnation. She put it in water and put it in her room.  Later she had it out so she could show Joseph and she was beaming. I told her it was beautiful, just like her.  Right before dinner she reminded me she needed a mute for her violin. I was exhausted and ready to be in for the day. But we went anyway. We had a very deep conversation in the car on the way there and a silly one on the way back.  AND we found a mute.  The trip was a success.  I feel that the kids are feeling more and more comfortable sharing their feelings with me.  I try to reassure them that whatever they feel, it is okay.  There is no wrong way to feel. And I tell them that I am always here to share those feeling with.  I feel a deeper bond with my children than ever before.  I realize in a very short time it will be just the three of us.  I only pray I have what it takes to give them what they need to recover and move forward.

Joseph has been in my room pretty much every night for the past two weeks.  He has become afraid of being alone. I understand and I am okay with a roommate.  Funny thing, the other night I told him to go get his toothbrush and use it in my bathroom.  I went in later and noticed THREE of his little toothbrushes lined up by daddy's sink.  Today I noticed he had moved his laundry basket up to my room.  I think he is making this permanent.  But if that is what he needs right now, that is what he will get. This week Annalina has been in with us at night as well.  We rolled out some sleeping pads and made a little bed for Joseph on the floor and Annalina shares the bed with me. Joseph loves it.  I offered to go get his bed and just bring it up so we can all sleep on beds, but he assures me he is happy in his little spot on the floor.  Today he said, "if daddy doesn't come home we can all just sleep in one room".  So sad, and yet I can't react in front of him, I need him to feel safe expressing his feelings to me. Sometimes after they leave for school, or go to bed at night, I have myself a good cry.   Later Annalina said, "when we buy this house, we need to plant lots of flowers".  It was always our goal to be able to stay here and buy this home we are living in.  I don't think this is something that can happen now. But I didn't have the heart to even hint at that with Annalina tonight.  So many dreams lost already, I couldn't bear to see more disappointment in her sweet eyes. Oh dear, time for another good cry!

Marriage, my marriage

I was a single parent before. It was a great blessing to me to be one after years in an extremely unhealthy marriage. When I met Richard, after 10 months of being on my own with the kiddos, things were different from the start. He was not controlling in any way, he was not violent, he was not critical of me, he had complete control of his temper and he was kind and understanding of the life I had lived up until then.  He loved me for who I was and he loved Adrienne and Jacob from the start, simply because they were mine.

I never would have expected to find myself on my own again with little children.  I will never try to say that my marriage was perfect. It wasn't, but we were always able to work through our problems and it seemed to make us stronger.  I know Richard has life long scars from a difficult and traumatic childhood.  He shared so much of his life with me and I with him. We both have demons from our past that we fight daily.  It was like we were two broken people who came together to be stronger. And it is true, I knew there was nothing I couldn't face with him by my side.

For a few years after we were married, he would turn to me, gaze into my eyes and tell me, "you are my wife" as if the words brought him such joy.  I did the same from time to time, telling him, "you are my husband".  Those words were sacred to us.  Being sealed to Adrienne, Jacob and Annalina was certainly a high point in our marriage.

We learned each other's love languages and mine was verbal, so he told me many times daily how much he loved me. I loved having him work from home. He kept a chair in his office just for me so I could stop in several times a day just to talk.  About life, about the weather, about the family, anything. We talked all the time.  I would apologize for interrupting his work and he always said he was happy for the break. I never felt like a bother to him, even when I was stressed out or complaining.  He always took the time to listen.

My father passed away last year and when we learned that we needed to get to Oregon to try to see him one last time, Richard dropped everything and packed up the van and drove me there.  When we got the call halfway there that my father had passed away, he pulled over and cried with me.  There wasn't much to say, but he was there with me, my rock, and he held me, comforted me and loved me.

My husband always seemed to know my limits and he stepped in when he saw that life was getting to be too much. When Adrienne called to tell us she was getting married in a month's time, I was a little stressed at the short time line for preparing for the wedding.  I ordered a dress online.  He helped me with measurements.  I worried about the expense of it and he told me not to worry about that.  When the dress came and was far too big for me, I was so worried to have to find someone to alter it on such short notice.  While I was at school, he called several people in the area, found someone who could do it, drove me to her house for several fittings and went with me to pick it up.  And he paid that bill, which wasn't cheap, happily. He even told me I looked beautiful in it even though I never thought so.  But that is who he is, he loved me, supported me and helped me, ALWAYS!

When Jacob got his mission call, Richard was so proud. He took the mission instruction book into his office and read it cover to cover.  I told him I was overwhelmed and could only look at it a page or two at a time. He said not to worry, he was more than happy to make sure Jacob was ready to go by the 16th of April.

We moved here to Rexburg so I could finish my degree after years of going to school part time.  He was so proud of me.  When I told him I was worried about finding a job after I graduated, he told me not to worry about it.  He didn't expect me to go out and get a job just because I had a degree. He just wanted to help me fulfill a lifelong dream of an education.  I found great comfort in knowing he worked here at home so that when I was at school, the kids always had a parent to come home to.  I knew the same would be true when I got a job after graduation. I don't ever want my children to come home to an empty home and I worry how I will do that now.

A week before Richard left I had my first job interview in decades. I was so nervous about it.  The night before Richard gave me a massage and put me to bed.  The next morning he gave me a beautiful blessing and then drove me down to Idaho Falls.  I felt so calm during the interview.  I was able to think clearly and answer all the questions.  He waited in the waiting room while I interviewed and then he took me home.  When I worried aloud about answers I gave, he told me it was okay, it was all a learning experience and if I got the job great, if I didn't, that was fine too.

That is who my husband is.  He is a good man who has fought demons his entire life.  But that does not change the fact that he is a loving, caring, supportive man who loves his family with his whole being.  It was obvious every single day.  I don't know exactly what happened, or what made him feel like he had to leave us like this.  I love my husband, I adore my husband. If I could talk to him I would tell him that he is an amazing husband and father and we need him here. I would welcome him back if he should show up.  We would have a lot of work to do and I know it would not be easy, but Richard is so worth it to me.  Our marriage is worth it to me.  Our family is worth any amount of work.

I hope and pray that at some point he will read my emails to him, or read this blog post and know that it is not too late.  Any damage that has been done can be undone. But that would be so much easier to do with him here.

Richard, if you do read this I want you to know that I love you so very much. I always will.  I have not given up on you and I will not.  Please don't feel that you cannot come back and be with your family who loves you so much. Our hearts are broken, but they can be healed.  And so can yours!

The Difference One Day Makes

The day before Richard left we had a snow adventure.  Adrienne needed some specific photos for an assignment she had in her photography class. She asked if me if I wanted to go with her to Mesa Falls on Friday.  The weather got bad and we decided to go on Saturday so Richard could take us in the Jeep.  Saturday morning Richard and Annalina went to pick up Adrienne and Jon.  I got a phone call saying Jon was not going so there was room for one more.  I said no, I had papers that needed grading. I was also worried about Joseph who had been up with an earache the night before.  I sat at the kitchen table ready to start grading when the thought came to me that I needed to go with them.  Jacob was home for Joseph, so I called Adrienne back and told them to swing by and pick me up.  We had a great day.  We drove to the Warm River campgrounds and walked back to the river through several feet of snow.  It was crazy but fun.  Then we drove towards the falls. We stopped at one spot but hadn't gone far enough. Then we realized that the road went no further this time of year. So no waterfall for us!  We drove to the other side of Rexburg to the Snake River and Adrienne was able to get some photos. 

We had a great time.  I can't help but feel that I was prompted by the Spirit to go on this little adventure.  Had I not gone, I would have regretted it always.  I know Richard enjoyed his time with us, even thought he was a little withdrawn, but he had been all week.  I also know now that he was already planning to leave.  How he was able to spend this time with us knowing it would be the last is beyond anything I can possibly imagine.  My mind races with the things I would have said or done if I had only known it was our last adventure together.  I am sad, but so grateful we had one more day together of doing things we both loved doing, being together, exploring nature and spending time with the kids. 

Found, but still lost

I got a call this morning.  Richard was pulled over last night in another state. He is alive.  The officer could only tell him to call home because we are worried about him.  He did not call home.  But, he is alive.  He is out there, he could make some kind of contact, but he hasn't.  It is so hard to remain hopeful knowing this.  How I wish I could understand exactly what is happening and why. We still love him dearly and hope that he will soon see the light and know that home is the best place for him.  Please continue to pray for him and for us, that we can all find some peace soon.

Tender Mercies

 Sunday I tried a new recipe for dinner. Word of advice, crisis situations require good solid recipes.  It was perhaps the worst meal I have ever made. I went to my room and I cried!  Every night since a wonderful meal has been brought to our home. I am so grateful for that.  No one can say the Lord doesn't see our needs and make sure they are taken care of.  I did not ask for the meals and yet, there they were!

Today a sweet woman in our ward, Deena, came over with a big sheet of black paper. She also brought chalk and she told me to make a miracle wall for the kids.  I was very touched by this, as it gave me a great chance to talk to the children about how hard this trial is for us, but how there are so many blessings too.

Our miracle wall is a place where we can record the love we feel from our Heavenly Father.  Blessings and miracles that are happening every single day.  I especially love this because it helps the kids remember that we are loved.  It also opened a door to a conversation I really wanted to have with my children that has been really hard for them. They each took to this immediately, helped me put it up and then spent quite a while drawing and writing things on.  I told them they could add to it anytime day or night.  I think every home should have a miracle wall!

Awww, so sweet!

Tuesday morning we woke to a door covered with conversation hearts!  Each heart has a message like, Strong, Kind, Compassionate, etc. A sweet anonymous family wanted us to know we are loved.  And we do know it.

Family Fast

We had a family fast for Richard on Sunday.  If he only knew how many people joined in!  There were friends and family from coast to coast praying for his safe return.  Annalina was sick Sunday morning and Jacob had just worked the graveyard shift so it was just Joseph and I who went to church.

Joseph has not taken to fasting.  He skips just one meal, but he has not found joy in it and I can understand that, he is still so young.  I told Joseph I was fasting for Daddy and that he did not have to.  A little while later he came up to me and said he would like to join me and fast for lunch. He never once complained. We prayed together and it was a very tender experience.  Joseph prays for Daddy every single night, as we all do.  So many people are praying for my husband it is overwhelming.  I hope that somehow, wherever he is, he will feel that love.

Sunday night I had a short but powerful feeling of peace come over me.  In my mind I heard the words "have hope".  I have been in such an emotional state of turmoil I worry that the Spirit has trouble getting through to me.  So I am trying to keep my mind calm and think positive thoughts.  I am clinging to that message of hope, whatever it may mean. I have hope, that my husband may possibly return and if not, hope that everything will eventually be okay.

Its the little things

This afternoon I was cleaning off the top of the dresser in our room when I came across a key.  When we moved in here we got one key to the house. We always meant to get more copies made, but never did.  It turned out we mostly went in and out of the house through the garage and Richard was always here and leaving the door unlocked was never a big deal here in Rexburg.  We never needed a spare key.  I saw this lonely key sitting on the dresser and fear struck my heart. Please don't let it be "the key".  Please?  I walked to the front door, put the key in and turned it. The lock rolled into place.  My already broken heart shattered a bit more.  He left the only key to the house here.  Why would he do that?

Things you learn when you are a grown up

First I must preface this post with a heartfelt thank you to the local police department for the work that has been done on my husband's missing persons case.  I do understand there really is so little that could bring my husband home.

That being said....

My childhood was full of episodes of Adam 12 and Emergency and CHiP's, I truly adored Ponch and Jon.  I learned that if you were in trouble, the police and doctors were there to help!  It was their job and they LOVED doing their job!

I remember having severe chest pains while pregnant with Jacob.  I remember rushing to the hospital, worried that I was dying or a heart attack.  I remember sitting in an exam room in horrible pain while doctors asked me questions and tried to figure out what was wrong.  My previous vision of a hospital(perhaps encouraged by the above mentioned television shows) was that they healed people, they helped people, if you could just get to a hospital, they would save you or at least take away your pain.  It was that day that I realized how wrong I was.  Turned out I was having gall bladder attacks, but they did not determine this until much later.  They sent me home with instructions to drink 2% milk, to help settle my "heartburn".  Guess what?  Fats aggravate an unhappy gall bladder.  It wasn't until several horribly painful attacks later that it was determined what the problem was.

I have always had a healthy respect for the Police.  I have known many good men who are also policemen.  My Dad always told us to call them police officers and not cops, for some reason he felt the title "cop" was not respectful.  They are there to serve and to protect.  Once as a teenager my car stalled in the middle of a sort of deserted road.  A police officer stopped to see what the problem was. I told him my car would not start.  He told me I needed to get it off the road.  Then he left.  I left it in the median and walked to a roadhouse a few blocks away to call my Dad to come help me.

Just a few years back there was a sneaky surprise snow storm that hit in the middle of the day in Oregon. I was on my way to drop off a friend of Annalina's who lived about 10 miles away and it took us hours to even get close to home. About a mile away, while driving up a very gradual slope, the van just quit going, I could get no traction.  With traffic all around, I backed up a little and tried to get a running start. No luck.  Soon the flashing lights of a police car came form the opposite direction!  Thank heavens!  Help had arrived!  The police office got out of his car, came to my window and told me very impatiently that I needed to move my van off the road as I was blocking traffic.  Well duh! Then he hopped back in his car and took off.  It took some young men walking down the sidewalk to offer a suggestion of backing up a little turning right and working my way out through this neighborhood that I didn't even know existed.  We made it home safe and sound.  No thanks to the police officer who saw we were in a bad position, but did nothing to make it better.  Now, I understand at that time there was a semi-emergency going on in the area, traffic was a nightmare everywhere.  The guy obviously had somewhere to be and I have always tried to remember that much.  But he didn't have to be so grumpy about it!

I feel the need to say that I have also had some positive interactions with knowing caring police officers who love their jobs.

Fast forward to now.  When I went to file a police report they were kind, they were compassionate.   Now, I have to qualify all this by saying, from the start I did not think there was anything they could do. My husband is an adult and he has free will to go and do as he pleases and his leaving was breaking no civil laws.  I was filing a report so that there would at least be a public record of his disappearance so if his Jeep or he himself were found, well, I don't really know.  Someone disappears, you tell the police.  So I did.

I was told they take this very seriously and it is great he used his credit card because they can use it to find out where the charges went through.  Great, that is wonderful news!  The very kind detective tells me that they will find my husband.  That struck me as an odd thing to say, but okay, a nice sentiment, here's hoping!  They start a media campaign and suddenly I am getting notified by someone other than the police that my husband is on the news.  Okay, deep breaths, if it helps to get my husband home, great.  I wish I had been told this was happening so I could be prepared, but that is alright, just so grateful something is being done. I don't think this happens a whole lot here. Saturday I email some info to the detective and he replies saying they have leads and things to discuss with me on Monday.  MONDAY????  That is 48 hours away!!!  Okay, more deep breaths. It is the weekend. I cannot expect my life crisis to interfere with the weekend!  Oh, I am also informed that the subpoena to get his credit card records is not going to happen, since he is an adult who can make the choice to go and do and buy whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Kinda what I though from the start, SO WHY WOULD THEY TELL ME THEY COULD MAKE IT HAPPEN?  Sorry for the all caps, I am SO emotional right now!!  So I calm myself down and decide I can wait until Monday.  Maybe I deserve this, from a police perspective, men leaves their wives all the time, right? I will be patient. I email this morning to ask what time I should head to the station and get the reply, "oh, not in the office today how about Tuesday afternoon?"  Like I am scheduling time to get my oil changed!!! Sure, you say you have leads, I can wait another day to learn something new about the whereabouts of my husband!!!!  Meanwhile my children are all sick and they won't eat much and I am worried out of my mind about my husband and my children and my future!!!

I have a real issue with dishonesty, even the kind meant to protect feelings.  I don't want anything sugar coated.  I really don't want to be given false hope only to be let down later.  I don't want to be told this is a top priority if the weekend is the real priority. I am a STRONG woman and I can handle the truth, even if it is "we don't really think we can find your husband and we won't be able to try until Tuesday"  Understandable...and honest.  If he is still alive out there, chances are really good he does not want to be found and he most likely won't be.  I am not stupid, I understand this and I can handle it!  Next time I meet with the police, I will calmly explain that I need their complete honesty.  I am sure some people in my situation could not handle the honest truth and need to be led along the path of optimism.  That is just not me.

Now, I must take some time to reflect on this wonderful group of young men who belong to the 4x4 club that Richard joined in October when he got his Jeep.  He met many of them once at a food drive at Broulims.  We have not had the chance to go off-roading with any of them yet, but Richard learned about some great areas from them and took me to them.  I got an email on Friday saying they saw the news report that Richard was missing and did I have any idea where he might be.  I gave them all the info I had and told them the name of the detective I was working with.  They never got much of a response from the police, but they organized searches all weekend long. They went out to campgrounds they thought he could be at, they drove to less used areas and looked for tire tracks.  They tried to raise him on their radios.  They looked, they reported back. They went out looking some more.  They have offered to make up fliers to take to gas stations, restaurants and parts stores.  No one has said they will find my husband, and I know chances are good they won't, but they have done all they can and I appreciate that so much. They also told me that they have kept my family in their prayers.  What an amazing group of people!

Its been a week

Today I feel pathetic and helpless.  I carry the phone with me everywhere in case he calls and I dial his cell phone number constantly, hoping it will finally ring instead of going straight to voice mail. I check my emails obsessively to see if he has replied.  I still hurry to the window when I hear loud vehicles outside the house.  When I turn the corner into our neighborhood I silently pray the Jeep will be sitting out front.  The other day I saw him walking down the road and my heart raced, but when I got close enough, it didn't look even remotely like him.  How long will this last?  Will it ever end?  Will I ever know what he is going through to have just left like this?  That is the hardest part, not knowing.  It is hard to plan for a future that is so uncertain.

SO Very Blessed

It is hard to feel alone, even in this terrible position I find myself it, when I am surrounded by people who love me.  I cannot express enough how grateful I am that if something like this had to happen, that it happened here.  The love and support I have felt from everyone around me is overwhelming. I find myself crying tears of gratitude as often as I cry tears of sadness.  I know my Heavenly Father loves me, He shows me through all of you.

I met with my mentor/teacher/friend, Sister Watkins today.  She is not just a shoulder to cry on, she has advised me, checked in on me and kept me going when I was tired and wanted to quit.  She has discussed my future with me, no matter what happens. She has brought me solutions that I did not know were out there.  She is amazing and I can feel her love for me.  What a blessing she is in my life! She contacted all my teachers right away and while my mind has been elsewhere this week, I have not been pressured to attend classes.  She assures me I have support and that they will not let me fail. I will graduate and I will be able to support my family and that knowledge right there is so comforting to me.  It would be so easy to give up.  I will not be allowed to and that is such a blessing to me.  I am ready to return to school next week and work hard.  I am not going to quit. I am strong and while I often doubt that at the end of the day, I know that is exhaustion speaking, not me. I can and will do anything I need to to make sure my family is okay.  Sister Watkins asked me to walk her to her car before she went to teach class.  She got out a pepperoni pizza and a desert pizza for me to take home and bake for my kids.  Jaocb had asked me in the morning what we would have for our Valentine's family dinner and inwardly I groaned because cooking is the last thing on my mind these days. Here was an answer to an unspoken prayer. Here is someone who is the hands of Christ on this Earth. It is just a natural part of her being, there is no hesitation in her reactions.  She is the kind of person I want to be!

I miss my husband.  It is Valentine's Day and he should be here for our family candlelight dinner.  But he is not.  My cousin Jill and her sweet family came by with Valentine goodies for the kids and beautiful potted roses for me.  Just sitting and talking to them was a blessing, taking my mind off my worries for a short time.  My friend Brittani brought us strawberries and dip, she hugged me and how could I be sad when I adore her so much?  My Bishop stopped by to check in on us and offer assistance.  He checks on me everyday and that has been such a reassurance to me.  The Rexburg 4x4 club that my husband is newly part of is trying to organize a search when we have more information on what area Richard may be in. I don't know these people and yet they are willing to look for my husband and they are praying for him.  The school contacted me to offer me temporary tuition assistance.  Then I got an email stating they would allow me to take classes next semester, which is my off track, I hadn't even applied to do that. My needs are being met one by one.  Sister Watkins has found me a job in the Student Health Office that will lead to a paid internship. Hopefully I will interview and get the job.  But the pieces of an uncertain future are already falling into place.  And I know that is not simple chance.  I know that my Heavenly Father is mindful of what is going on and that He loves me and my family. He will not let us fail.  

How can I feel so loved with such a broken heart?  Because I am loved! By my friends, by my family, by total strangers and by the Lord.  

Unsettling experiences

I filed a missing persons report with the police on Tuesday. Adrienne and Jon came over to be with the kids.  I am so glad they live here in Rexburg and that they are so willing to help with the kids.  The police officer I am working with is extremely kind and understanding.  I think we have sufficient evidence to prove that Richard is alive out there. It seems he does not want to be found.

I am amazed at the sheer volume of things that must be done when someone goes missing. As much as I want to crawl into bed and pull the blankets up over my head, I just can't.  I complete one task and think of four new things that need to be done. Friends and family to inform, calling banks, talking to the police, checking in at his work, lining up help for my kids at school should they need it and that is just the beginning. And when I take a break from all of that, I need to try to be normal for my kids and be present for them.   When I start to think of the long term things to do, I want to shut down. I am not sleeping well and I am so very tired.  The other morning I woke up thinking what a great day it was going to be. I had forgotten all my worries.  It hit me seconds later and I cried. Oh how I wish I could forget.

The kids are so sweet, when I start to cry, they are quick to come and hug me. Joseph made me a cute "award" that says, "Best Mom Ever". Jacob even offers hugs freely, assuring me everything will be okay.  I am so glad he is still here. I am so overwhelmed by everything and thinking of getting him ready for his mission on my own is almost more than I can think about.  But I am glad for his sweet presence in our home for now and I know that getting him out on that mission is so very important right now.  He will be earning valuable blessings for our family.