Marriage, my marriage

I was a single parent before. It was a great blessing to me to be one after years in an extremely unhealthy marriage. When I met Richard, after 10 months of being on my own with the kiddos, things were different from the start. He was not controlling in any way, he was not violent, he was not critical of me, he had complete control of his temper and he was kind and understanding of the life I had lived up until then.  He loved me for who I was and he loved Adrienne and Jacob from the start, simply because they were mine.

I never would have expected to find myself on my own again with little children.  I will never try to say that my marriage was perfect. It wasn't, but we were always able to work through our problems and it seemed to make us stronger.  I know Richard has life long scars from a difficult and traumatic childhood.  He shared so much of his life with me and I with him. We both have demons from our past that we fight daily.  It was like we were two broken people who came together to be stronger. And it is true, I knew there was nothing I couldn't face with him by my side.

For a few years after we were married, he would turn to me, gaze into my eyes and tell me, "you are my wife" as if the words brought him such joy.  I did the same from time to time, telling him, "you are my husband".  Those words were sacred to us.  Being sealed to Adrienne, Jacob and Annalina was certainly a high point in our marriage.

We learned each other's love languages and mine was verbal, so he told me many times daily how much he loved me. I loved having him work from home. He kept a chair in his office just for me so I could stop in several times a day just to talk.  About life, about the weather, about the family, anything. We talked all the time.  I would apologize for interrupting his work and he always said he was happy for the break. I never felt like a bother to him, even when I was stressed out or complaining.  He always took the time to listen.

My father passed away last year and when we learned that we needed to get to Oregon to try to see him one last time, Richard dropped everything and packed up the van and drove me there.  When we got the call halfway there that my father had passed away, he pulled over and cried with me.  There wasn't much to say, but he was there with me, my rock, and he held me, comforted me and loved me.

My husband always seemed to know my limits and he stepped in when he saw that life was getting to be too much. When Adrienne called to tell us she was getting married in a month's time, I was a little stressed at the short time line for preparing for the wedding.  I ordered a dress online.  He helped me with measurements.  I worried about the expense of it and he told me not to worry about that.  When the dress came and was far too big for me, I was so worried to have to find someone to alter it on such short notice.  While I was at school, he called several people in the area, found someone who could do it, drove me to her house for several fittings and went with me to pick it up.  And he paid that bill, which wasn't cheap, happily. He even told me I looked beautiful in it even though I never thought so.  But that is who he is, he loved me, supported me and helped me, ALWAYS!

When Jacob got his mission call, Richard was so proud. He took the mission instruction book into his office and read it cover to cover.  I told him I was overwhelmed and could only look at it a page or two at a time. He said not to worry, he was more than happy to make sure Jacob was ready to go by the 16th of April.

We moved here to Rexburg so I could finish my degree after years of going to school part time.  He was so proud of me.  When I told him I was worried about finding a job after I graduated, he told me not to worry about it.  He didn't expect me to go out and get a job just because I had a degree. He just wanted to help me fulfill a lifelong dream of an education.  I found great comfort in knowing he worked here at home so that when I was at school, the kids always had a parent to come home to.  I knew the same would be true when I got a job after graduation. I don't ever want my children to come home to an empty home and I worry how I will do that now.

A week before Richard left I had my first job interview in decades. I was so nervous about it.  The night before Richard gave me a massage and put me to bed.  The next morning he gave me a beautiful blessing and then drove me down to Idaho Falls.  I felt so calm during the interview.  I was able to think clearly and answer all the questions.  He waited in the waiting room while I interviewed and then he took me home.  When I worried aloud about answers I gave, he told me it was okay, it was all a learning experience and if I got the job great, if I didn't, that was fine too.

That is who my husband is.  He is a good man who has fought demons his entire life.  But that does not change the fact that he is a loving, caring, supportive man who loves his family with his whole being.  It was obvious every single day.  I don't know exactly what happened, or what made him feel like he had to leave us like this.  I love my husband, I adore my husband. If I could talk to him I would tell him that he is an amazing husband and father and we need him here. I would welcome him back if he should show up.  We would have a lot of work to do and I know it would not be easy, but Richard is so worth it to me.  Our marriage is worth it to me.  Our family is worth any amount of work.

I hope and pray that at some point he will read my emails to him, or read this blog post and know that it is not too late.  Any damage that has been done can be undone. But that would be so much easier to do with him here.

Richard, if you do read this I want you to know that I love you so very much. I always will.  I have not given up on you and I will not.  Please don't feel that you cannot come back and be with your family who loves you so much. Our hearts are broken, but they can be healed.  And so can yours!