Where Is My Happily Ever After?

My husband is home. It is what I prayed for. But it is not turning out to go the way I had envisioned...a loving embrace, tears, all the words I need to hear, all the words he needs to hear, incredible joy on both of our parts that the healing can start now.  Oh, and in my vision, a box of chocolates, a huge bouquet of flowers, and a beam of sunlight shining down on us from above.  Yeah, I may have been overreaching, but for four weeks all I could do was imagine the possibility that I would see him again and that we could find a way to make this work. There were a lot of minutes to fill with pointless daydreaming. One thing I do know, no amount of chocolate, flowers, sunlight, or even diamonds can make this right.  It is going to take a LOT of work on both of our parts. I am willing and able.  He is not...yet.

He is not filled with joy, he is depressed, more depressed than I knew he was capable of.  The truth is he cannot give me what I need right now and I cannot express to you just how frustrating that is. He caused this pain, I want him to make it right, RIGHT NOW!  I am tired of suffering and wondering what the future holds. He can make me no promises.  And I have to live with that.  My first inclination is to get angry (and sadly, I must admit that inside my mind, I have).  I want to lash out at him and make him hurt just as badly as I hurt.  Will that help?  Would he then be able to see what he has done to me emotionally?  No.  There is no way to "help" him see that until he is ready, if that time ever comes.  And deep down, I know he is suffering incredibly, he is still lost in his own darkness.  Right now I need to be a light to him rather than pushing him further down the path to nowhere.  

The patience that I developed to wait for a month, wondering if I would ever see him again, must now be used again to give him the time that he needs to prepare himself for the healing process.  I am not entirely sure he will get there, but I pray that with time he will come to be able to understand what I need to make this work and what he needs as well. I am trying so hard to give him what he needs.  Despite my inner turmoil, I try to say encouraging words to him. I try to express my gratitude that he is home with us.  I tell him that we prayed for him constantly, that we never gave up hope.  I don't know that he hears me, but maybe at some point he will be ready to.  I can only pray that he will.

So where is my happily ever after?  It is coming. It may take time.  It won't be easy waiting and then working for it.  And I don't know how it will look right now. But I know in time it will come.