Still Seeing Effects of Chemo

Tonight I learned that due to my chemo treatments, I cannot be a bone marrow donor. I am so sad I can't join the registry and possibly help someone when they need it most. I learned a lot about the process. Donating is not scary and invasive as everyone seems to think. If you are interested in learning more, please contact me. You'd forever be my hero, and perhaps you could be someone's last chance at life!

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

I remember very distinctly in high school feeling ugly. I had thick beautiful hair that I liked to perm so it would look even thicker.  I loved my hair, I felt it was my one redeeming quality in the beauty department.  I see pictures of myself then and I wish I could talk to this teenage me and tell her how gorgeous she is.  My life could have taken a whole other direction, a much better direction.  But I have learned so much over the years, that it is okay.

The first photo was a week before my first chemo treatment. Knowing it was going to fall out, I went and had it done at the beauty school.  I just wanted to feel beautiful for a short while.  After my first chemo treatment, I started losing lots of hair.  Two weeks later I woke up to hair everywhere.  I would run my hand through my hair and gobs of hair came out in my hand.  It was kinda interesting, kinda sad and kinda annoying all at once. I decided that was the day. I got out the clippers and never having used them before, I jumped right in.  I won't lie, there was some fear there and there were definitely tears shed.  But I did it, I shaved off my hair.

The final photo is me just last week after a year of hair growth. It came in quite curly and sometimes I have trouble managing it.  Sometimes it is a lot of fun. But mostly, I miss my hair!

Radiation-Almost done!!

My radiation burns are soooo sore tonight. Blisters and peeling and just painful!! But only three more sessions of radiation! I am so excited to be done with my daily 60 mile trips to Idaho Falls for radiation! And also excited for my poor skin to heal up. Who knew when I started that the 6 weeks would actually end? ;-)

Miracles Among The Chaos

Every day at radiation a miracle occurs. I am able to lay completely still, flat on my back for 15 minutes while a beam of radiation shoots into a very specific spot on my left breast. I consider it a miracle because I have had an infection in my lungs and have been coughing horribly for two weeks now. Every day I pray to be able to hold still and not cough, and every day I do exactly that. I still hate radiation, but I appreciate the daily miracle! Life is sweet!

Radiation vs Chemo

Radiation happened today. It's my worst nightmare! I would rather do more chemo than have to go through six weeks of daily radiation. Fifteen moments of being exposed, of not moving, of being afraid to even breathe. I got tattoos today. Who chooses to do that? Ouch! I think I will turn all of them into semicolons after they have served their purpose. A sign of survival and a reminder that my story is still going strong!

Radiation

The start date of my radiation has been postponed once again(for the third time). Seems that my tumor was located in a tricky spot and will require some more advanced radiation techniques which my insurance company doesn't want to authorize. I am going to side with my radiologist here. Hoping it gets resolved as I don't want to miss tomorrow's appointment! Meanwhile I am frustrated by my lack of energy. I just want to be normal again and out of pain! Good news? Ice water tastes wonderful again! Yay!

Chemo Fog

My kids love my chemo brain. Every day we play a verbal charades of sorts. "Can you....ummmm...bring me that thing. ...unmmm, its red, its round, (pointing) no, behind that other thing that's, ummmm, blue, no.....green. " kids: hahahahaha, you want this ball? We laugh, but my brain feels like molasses!

The Blues

Just spent the morning hanging out at the cancer clinic cause I can't stay away. This round has really done a number on me, so I am getting rehydrated and hope that helps bring down my heart rate. My white blood cells are very low. I have to say, this is really hard. I am feeling at the end of my rope. But there always seems to be more, right?

Are we there yet?

Well the chemo treatment is over. I want to jump back into life and thrive! But the miserable effects of treatment are not over yet. I find myself mildly frustrated that sleep is what I need, and a deep understanding that the things that are most important to me can wait, just a bit longer while my body heals. This means lots of rest and a respect for what my poor body has survived, from this cancer diagnosis, and accompanying surgeries and treatments, to back last year when I lost my husband. My mind, body and heart have been through so much. But I know without a doubt I will come out of this a stronger, more compassionate person. And for this I am so grateful! Over the years I have learned from so many of you how to really be there for someone. I love you my friends. I am here for you if you need me.

Final Chemo

Finishing up my last chemo treatment! I did not get to ring a bell, because the staff worries about those who will never get to ring the bell. And that, I understand. I am still so grateful to have this treatment behind me. Looking forward to good health and more energy! I am grateful for modern medicine, wonderful health care providers and sweet friends and family who have been by my side, both literally and figuratively!

Surgery - Tale Two

My lumpectomy was supposed to be a later in the morning surgery, which was nice since we had to go to Idaho Falls for that one and the weather was not cooperative.  But the day before I got a call telling me to be there by 6am.  I called my trusty friend Kara, and she once again came to my rescue and took me, waited with me and brought me home. 

Well there was a lot to do before I could even get to surgery. Turns out the first stop after getting the IV in was to Nuclear Medicine where I had radioactive stuff put into my left breast.  It stung really bad and I had a nurse there holding my hand for it.  Then they took some pics with a big machine and sent me on to the ultrasound lab.  There I got a metal rod placed through the tumor via ultrasound guidance.  Then to the mammography department to make sure they did it correctly.  I was in horrible pain by this time.  I had my previous surgery just a week before and I was not allowed to take anything after midnight, so all my pain meds had worn off and my hysterectomy incisions were hurting A LOT!  My gurney was extremely uncomfortable and my poor bottom got tired of sitting, but just shifting to another position was bad, so I held pretty still. We went to preop and waited and waited and waited, I kept hoping they would just come put me out of my misery.  I was so grateful for Kara being there. Again, she made a difficult situation fun.

My funny story from this surgery is that I remember waking up and looking around and I could not see a thing, everything was far too blurry.  I closed my eyes and tried again. Without a word a nurse came and wiped my eyes and suddenly I could see again. In my drugged up state I thought, "Oh, I was crying, so that was it".  When I went back to my first room to get ready to go I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I had a big circle of something like Vaseline around my eyes. I had two white spots on my forehead from some kind of monitoring and apparently breast surgery required oodles of orange betadine be used to clean half of your face as well as your chest.  I looked like a clown. I was just glad I saw it before I got home! No need to traumatize the kids further.

After surgery it did not take me long to be discharged and home we went and to bed I went.  Lucky for me Adrienne and Jon moved back to Rexburg the next day and they stayed their first night with us.  I was so relieved, because it was New Years Eve and I was NOT going to stay up until midnight.  As it turned out, Joseph went to a friends party and got home around 10:30 and went to bed.  Annalina went to her first church dance and got home after midnight.  The rest of us went to be before the ball dropped and that was just fine with me! 

I am pretty good at taking care of others when they are sick or need help, but myself?  Not so much.  After two days of pain meds after surgery number 2 I figured I had been on them long enough, so I stopped taking them. Ouch, big mistake. It took me another day or two to get the pain back under control.  Christmas break was a blur, it seemed like before I knew it, the kids were going back to school without me. 

Little did I know at the time, that a third surgery was looming in my future.  More on that later!

A Tale of Two Surgeries - Tale One

First a word of advice, don't have two surgeries within a week of each other.  Unless of course you have met your annual out of pocket max and the second surgery will be completely paid for and you just don't have a lot of extra money laying around with which to pay for surgery!  Then maybe you should do what I did! 

Christmas Break was somewhat of a blur to me.  I went in early on the 22nd for my complete hysterectomy. My friend Kara picked me up and was there with me before and after surgery.  We had a little time to wait before surgery and she helped make it fun!  I had great nurses.  I stayed the night in a beautiful room with a wall full of windows.  I had a great view of Main Street Rexburg and their gorgeous Christmas Lights.  It also snowed a lot while I was in the hospital and I loved watching it from my room. I got a wonderful drug called dilaudid. I wish I could have kept my IV and been given a bunch of that to take home. Good stuff.  At about 10 that night I got up to walk around for the first time.  It went ok, not as painful as I had expected it to be.  Just a half hour later I had to push the nurse call button because my chest hurt so bad I could hardly breath.  More dilaudid and I was feeling much better.  Turns out all that gas used in laparoscopic surgery does not leave your body once surgery is done.  Some of it hangs around to cause issues.  Getting up and walking had sent it up to my chest where it really, really hurt.  An hour later that pain was back, but the nurses were great about helping me get it under control.  Later a nurse brought in a beautiful vase of yellow roses with gold painted fern leaves.  It looked great next to the beautiful roses Kara had brought me.  So lovely. The nurse told me there had been a wedding reception that night and they had brought their extra flowers to the hospital for the nurses to give to patients.  How sweet and what a wonderful idea!  She also said my room was pretty sunny, because of me, but she thought I would like them.  What a nice thing to hear!  I try to be nice to everyone.  I try to be extra nice to those who are working so hard to help me be ok.  It turned out my nurses and I were a great match personality wise.

Funny story, I always ask my surgeon, "have you ever lost a patient during a "insert surgery here"?  And they always say no, but my hysterectomy doc said no, but he had heard of patients dying from falling off the OR table and hitting their heads.  So, they gave me the loopy meds and wheeled me to the OR.  It was me and one nurse and she asked if I could scoot myself over to the operating table.  I said, SURE!!  And as I scooted, the gurney I was on began to move away from the OR table and the nurse panicked and grabbed me.  I thought, in a totally calm tone of thought, "So this is how I go!".  But we managed to save me from falling.  That is the last thing I remember. I bet they are hoping I don't!  heehee

The next morning my surgeon came to see me.  I was pretty out of it.  He suggested I have a blood transfusion, because not only was anemic to start, but I lost some blood during surgery.  I remember thinking how bad transfusions could be and no way was I going to get one.  Now I must say, I don't have a problem with transfusions, nor do I understand why it was an issue for me at the time, but I said no.  I remember the surgeon saying if he had my blood levels, he could not function.  I remember vaguely thinking, that's because you are a man.  I know, I am so bad!!  So why was I given the option?  Without my advocate/friend there?  Who knows.

I went home the following day and once again my dear friend Kara came and got me. She is such a blessing to me!  It was so good to be with my kiddos.  They had come to visit in the hospital but only stayed about 8 minutes total.  I think it was a little worrisome for them to be there.  My kids don't talk about their fears much, but they certainly have them. And who could blame them?  They have been through so much!

I came home from the hospital on the 23rd and struggled to keep my pain levels under control.  It was exhausting and my kids didn't see a whole lot of me that week.  I was in contact with the on call nurse through Christmas Day.  She was good at suggesting things that might help.  Christmas morning the kids woke me up and we opened gifts. It was fun, most of them were from outside our home, so it was a nice surprise for me to see what everyone got too!  And then I went back to bed.  What is funny to me is that a few days later as I was cleaning up from Christmas, I went through my gifts, and it was like seeing them for the first time!  Turns out I didn't remember much from Christmas morning. I will write more about our Christmas later, because we had so much to be grateful for this Holiday Season. We were certainly in the prayers and thoughts of so many.  We were also the center of many acts of kindness and we know that we are truly blessed.

Surgery two, up next!

The Truth about Chemo...

...what I've learned so far.

I have breast cancer.  I was going to be a model patient and handle this with grace and dignity.  But why lie about it?  If my "real" journey can help someone else to feel they aren't going crazy, then I am all for that.  The cancer is not so bad. It didn't hurt me physically until it was time to do something to get rid of it.  Surgery, hard.  Recovery, not a lot of fun, I mean really, 6 weeks wearing a bra constantly??  Gets a little old.  Chemo?  Yeah, I was going to breeze through this treatment like it was nothing. I was going to rejoice in all my bald beauty. ha  The sad truth, this SUCKS! And I am not even a full week into it.

I try to stay positive and I know in the end all will be as it should, but there is no breezing through chemotherapy.  I've spent more than my fair share of time huddled in as close to the fetal position as I can get, just crying from the pain.  I've had nausea, a bright red face for days on end, severe joint pain, exhaustion beyond measure, diarrhea which led to hemorrhoids, weird little rashes breaking out all over my body and a white pasty film all over my mouth that feels gross, tastes gross and is just plain gross.  I have sores in my mouth and it hurts terribly to swallow, and Sunday night I ended up in the emergency room with a fever and severe pain. Turns out it was probably just the chemo effects, but they told me to go so I did. I felt really foolish the next day when I went in for the advised follow up at my oncologist only to have the PA say, so why are you here? He didn't even look at my file before walking through the door. He thinks I am crazy, or a big baby, but it turns out when you tell me warning signs, I am good at paying attention and reporting on them.  And when your oncologist tells you to get to the ER, you don't ask why, you just go.  My ER doc said it was something that could go bad real fast.  Not the kind of news you want to hear, but at least it seemed like he took me seriously.

Tomorrow is my NADIR day. I get to go in and find out just how low my white blood cell count has become.  It should be at its lowest and this will tell us whether I need another fun treatment called Neulasta.  I am concerned that what I am experiencing is something more than chemo effects, because I am not sure how a low white cell count will affect me fighting off an infection. But we will take that step as needed. And I suppose if the oncologist office isn't concerned, maybe I shouldn't be either.  Except, I am!

I don't want to whine the whole post away, so I will share some good news.  My sister Megan and my mom are coming to visit me this weekend!  Yay!  I am so excited!  My little family and I have done well muddling through the past few months, but it has taken a toll on my kiddos. It will be wonderful for them to get some good solid family time and to feel much needed love from grandma and auntie Megan!  And it will be so good for me to see my sweet extended family!  I need to get rested up so I can enjoy every second!

Another plan!

Richard always told me I was a planner. I just feel so much better when there is a good solid plan in place.  I have been frustrated at times by the unknowable nature that is the cancer experience.  But, after many appointments and testing, we have a plan! (The plan is explained in the final paragraph in the event you want to skip the inbetween part of the story)

On Friday the 22nd, the anniversary of Richard's death, Annalina and I went down to Salt Lake City to the Huntsman Cancer Institute for a second opinion. It was a long difficult drive because I have been so anemic that I tire very easily and Jeep, bless her little battery, does not have cruise control.  But Annalina kept me awake and we had a fun drive there.  She also navigated me through the city to the institute which sits up on the base of the mountain.  It was beautiful with a glass front overlooking downtown Salt Lake.

We pulled up and they offer free valet parking, so Annalina hopped out and I had enough brainpower to grab my purse really quick. But after they drove away to park(or go off-roading, after all, the mountain was just right there), we realized we had left Annalina's things to keep her busy inside Jeep.  I wasn't about to ask them to bring Jeep back so we went exploring.  I got tired quickly and we went to the gift shop where we found a fun adult coloring book, but I am not so comfortable with that name, so at Adrienne's suggestion, we now refer to them as advanced coloring books!  heehee

Annalina had fun coloring and waited very patiently with me.  She cheered me up when I got a little blue and I was so grateful to have her there with me. 

I met with an oncologist who was very kind and very thorough with her explanations. She spent a couple hours with me walking me through everything from the beginning and all possible treatments.  She told me my first opinion was sound and sent me on my way. It was good and I felt empowered with knowledge.

We drove to the hotel that I had booked with the hospital discount.  The desk clerk asked for a note signed by my doctor and I lost it, I just started sobbing right there in the hotel lobby.  Somewhat embarrassing, I can tell you.  I had spent so much energy keeping it together all day that the dam just broke and I couldn't contain my emotions anymore. Annalina helped me pull it together and the clerk said it was okay, I could have them fax something over.  I cried some more as Annalina helped us find our room and got me settled down.  I did get the social worker at the hospital to fax over proof of our appointment.  Later when it was dinner time Annalina went down to the lobby to ask for delivery menus, I was too embarassed.  She was such a wonderful companion to me on such a difficult day.

The Monday after we got home I learned that my cancer is moderately aggressive.  My local oncologist recommended chemo, radiation and anti-estrogen treatment.  The very next day Adrienne took me to the local day surgery place and I had a port installed in my chest for treatment.  Adrienne was so good to go along, even though it was early. She got a little woozy when they tried to put in my IV, so she got carted away in a wheelchair to enjoy the rest of the morning with juice and string cheese! 

This surgery was the quickest and easiest for me, about 3 hours total, but the recovery has been really rough.  The port is very painful and even something as simple as rolling over at night causes a lot of pain. I have struggled with controlling the pain while trying to have a life.  I get up, pain med free, go run errands or do things around the house for a very short while, feel enough pain to stop and take something, then I sleep for a while. I never feel rested.  Not a fun cycle.  I don't recommend three surgeries within 5 weeks, my poor hair is falling out like crazy and I haven't even started chemo yet!

Insurance has been an issue, they did not okay the chemo last week when I thought I would be starting, and they will not cover the IV iron I need to overcome this anemia, so I will be getting a blood transfusion tomorrow and will meet with the PA who will teach me all there is to know about chemo.  Then Wednesday morning, at 8:45 I have my first chemo treatment. I am not entirely sure how this will affect me, but I am prepared to find out.  It is a good feeling that things are getting going again and that I am one step closer to being done with this chapter in my life. 

The Plan

Hello friends!  This post is just to let you know what the plan is for conquering this cancer inside me. 

A week from today, on the 22nd I will go in for a hysterectomy.  No, this isn't really cancer related, but this will stop the chronic pain I am in and should keep me from being constantly anemic and I should have lots of energy once I am all healed!  Yay, 2016 has so much potential to be an amazing year.  After 2015, well, let's just say, it HAS to be better!

I should be home from the hospital no later than Christmas Eve.  I am not thrilled to be staying in the hospital, but it will be okay. Jacob is taking a few days off from work to be home to make sure all goes well here with the kiddos.  And hopefully they will get to come visit me in the hospital, so there is that to look forward to.  I am blessed with a dear friend who will take me to the hospital and be there with me to get me settled in.   Christmas will be interesting. I am just grateful I will get to spend it at home with my children.

On the 30th, just 8 days later, I will go down to Idaho Falls for another surgery, a lumpectomy, where a golf ball sized piece of tissue will be removed from my left breast.  That is a day surgery and I will be home that evening.  Yay!  Not sure what recover is going to be like, having two surgeries so close together is a little daunting.  But I know everything will be okay. 

I will meet with my Oncologist after the surgeries to learn when exactly radiation will begin.  Not sure if it will be right away, or if I wait until I am healed from the surgeries.  Either way, I have six weeks of driving back and forth to Idaho Falls for daily radiation treatment. 

 That should do it!  Hopefully it won't take too long for me to be back to normal, no, better than normal!  I look forward to having lots of energy, for not letting pain dictate my activities.  I am going to do my best to make next year a new beginning for myself.  I will set goals and I will prevail!  And then I might still just take a nap! 

Lifting a Heavy Heart

Wednesday I met my oncologist.  I was planning to hear the best possible news and get on with it.  Instead I was met with confusion and disappointment.  I thought I would be strong and go on my own. I am tough, I've been through worse, ummm, maybe.  The day before I read a quote that said something like, "Being strong is being able to ask for and receive help when you need it."  Hey, I haven't really tried being strong in that way.  I am grateful for that quote and that at the last moment fear struck me and I felt strongly that I needed someone along. I called my friend Kara who was there with me when I got my diagnosis and she had already cleared her schedule for me.  It was truly a blessing to not be alone as I heard foreign terminology and uncertain paths to take. She took notes and helped me understand.

Our plan depends upon the results of some genetic testing I had done at this appointment. It seems I am too young to have developed this kind of cancer all on my own!  With the holidays it could take up to 3 weeks to know for sure if I am genetically predisposed to developing breast and ovarian cancer. If so, the course of treatment is pretty severe and complete.  It left my head spinning.  I left the appointment and drove to the temple and cried.  I didn't want my kids to see me so upset.  I got up the courage to call my Bishop who had asked that I let him know what I learned, got some reassurance and came home, still feeling a bit panicked.  Kara came over and went over the appointment with me again and I felt so much better.  Best case scenario is a lumpectomy and 6 weeks of radiation along with close monitoring in the future. In either situation I will have a complete hysterectomy and will need hormone suppression, since my particular cancer thrives on estrogen.  Yuck, forced menopause without hormone replacement therapy. 

I wanted to be strong and prepared to hear anything.  I wasn't.  And that is okay.  I have to remind myself, its okay to be in shock, to be mourning so many losses right now. It is okay to feel some sorrow and even anger, which has mostly been directed at Richard not being by my side for this.  I mean, really? I don't want to be doing this without him! (Sorry, Richard, I still love you)  (and yes, you better be checking the blog regularly!!)   I am handling this well, in the best way I possibly can right now.  I am feeling optimistic most of the time. I am grateful that no matter what, I get to live. And while it may be a rocky holiday season for us, since they want to move fast when the final word comes in, I will see the other side and I will be stronger and better for it, blah, blah, blah!  :-)

Monday I got in for my uterine biopsy.  I have been in so much pain for so long now it is good to be figuring this out, but I am NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT!!  Last night I woke up from a nightmare in which I was in prison and they were doing the hysterectomy and bilateral mastectomy without putting me out or giving me something for the pain.  I woke up in THAT much pain.  It was awful and I figure my mind is trying to make sense of it all, but prison, really brain, you couldn't have put me on a cruise ship?  Hey brain, its going to be okay!  Trust me on this one!

I continue to watch for blessings and have found some beauties.  My sweet sister sent me a beautiful survivor mug for my hot chocolate.  My sweet class made a giant banner for me the day I missed school to go to my oncologist.  They all signed it and I put it up in my room, to remind myself how loved I am. Like I could ever forget. My bff Lisa, in Oregon sent me an awesome "cancer" binder where I can keep track of everything.  It has been a huge relief since my mind gets foggy sometimes and I don't remember things or can't find things.   I get sweet texts, messages and phone calls from people who love me and that makes me feel so good. 

I am grateful to all of you who have reached out and told me to ask whenever I might need something. This is a huge battle for me, but finally I feel ready to reach out and ask, so I hope you all meant it! Thank you for helping to lift my heavy heart!

Me and my cancer binder, so happy together! 

And So It Begins...

Welcome to the next chapter in the ongoing saga that is my blessed life! No sarcasm intended, truly!  I haven't completely sorted out the last chapter, but that is okay.  I am growing stronger with each trial.  I have learned to focus on the positive and I try to feel gratitude when it gets hard.  Despite the challenges, I know that I am so very blessed.  Life is truly full of miracles. I am finding them daily in my own life!

I felt all summer long that I was not done with serious challenges in my life.  Even as I continued to deal with the emotional fallout from Richard's death, I felt that another trial was coming quickly. I shared that thought with a friend and she laughed at me.  Feeling that maybe I was just being dramatic, I tried to put it out of my mind. However, when I started my new job, I felt strongly that I needed to get myself insurance even though it costs a good portion of my small paycheck.  What a huge blessing that turned out to be.

I went in for routine checkups and learned that there was a reason for my chronic pelvic pain. Fibroids and cysts came up on the ultrasound and it was suggested that a hysterectomy would solve so many of my issues.  I have a uterine biopsy next week. Fun!  Can't wait to see how that goes!  And a hysterectomy is in my future, but on hold for the moment.  I was also sent for a routine mammogram.  I have never had one before, and it wasn't bad at all ladies!  I was called back in for another which was followed by an ultrasound.  What they saw was quite "concerning" so I was invited back for a biopsy.

This all happened incredibly fast. I was alone with my concerns and that has triggered issues with my grieving.  Sadness, anger, and loneliness all came quickly as I struggled to cope with this on my own.  Anyone who knew Richard well knows he took very good care of me when I was ill, pregnant, or emotionally drained.  And here I am trying to take care of myself and my family all by myself while dealing with the grief.  It hasn't been easy. I have felt a little crazy at times. But, one foot in front of the other has gotten me here. And the love, support and encouragement of so many dear people!

Mammograms are easy. Needle biopsies? Not so much.  My second mammogram was on a Friday and the biopsy was the following Monday.  I went to work in the morning, got myself over to the radiologist office and they said they didn't have orders, so we would have to postpone.  I  said, No Way!  Did they not know what it had taken to get myself there that morning? I got on my phone with my Dr's office and within an hour it was all squared away. I was scared and alone, I should never have gone alone, but they were very kind to me and as gentle as sticking a needle through a breast can be. TMI?  Sorry!  I was even given warning that it didn't look good.  Then told results would come Wednesday or Thursday. I went back to work, with a lopsided chest packed with ice.  It was not a fun afternoon and looking back I should have taken the day off, but I need every hour I can get!

Imagine my surprise when I found a message on my phone Tuesday evening saying I needed to come in first thing in the morning.  I knew then it could not be good news.  And since it was after hours I couldn't call back.  I panicked.  I had taken Joseph to cello lessons and had to keep it together until he was done and we could get home.  I didn't want to worry the kids so I said nothing. But every nerve was on high alert and my mind was racing.  I remember Joseph asking me if I was okay.  I said yes.

I reached out to a few friends and my home teacher. My friend Kara came over and went with me to get a blessing.  It was an amazing blessing that reminded me of things said in my patriarchal blessing. It reminded me of the love my Heavenly Father has for me. It helped me feel peace. I still didn't sleep.  In the morning Kara picked me up bright and early and took me to my appointment.  The news was what I was expecting.  Breast cancer. So many questions and not many answers. What a blessing to have Kara along, she took notes and she told me it would be okay when I cried. The good news, it's small and appears to be very treatable.  The bad news, hey its cancer, isn't that bad enough?  But seriously, at the very least some kind of surgery, and perhaps unpleasant treatment.

One glorious blessing I thought of was that I hadn't had insurance for a couple of years. It was suggested that I get a mammogram two years ago, but I couldn't pay for one, so I didn't get one. I am a woman, we put off our own needs all too often!  But, had I done the scan then, there would have been nothing to see. I'd have blown off getting another one for years. And then this cute little cancer inside of me would have turned into a raging teenage cancer, wreaking havoc all over my body.  So yes, in hindsight not having insurance was a good thing! Its all about perspective, right?

I will admit at times I have thought, "Cancer?  Seriously?"  Have I not had enough on my plate for the past few years? And with the holidays! I know there is never a good time to deal with cancer, but this is our first holiday season without Richard.  And now we have this to deal with. But it will all be okay. I have faith that it will.

My kiddos are worried though I told them I am not going anywhere.  Cancer is a scary word, but I also feel blessed that medicine has come so far in the treatment of breast cancer.  I do my best to reassure them, but they have already lost one parent, that fear of losing me will not easily go away. I worry about them all!

People often tell me I am so strong.  I am going to be completely honest with you when I tell you that sometimes I am not.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed, ok, often!  Sometimes I break down and have a good cry. Sometimes I feel like my sanity is slipping.  I have never fully developed the skill of comfortably asking for help or even sharing when I am struggling.  I have tried and failed miserably in the past, so its been hard to pick myself up and try again.  This has been a huge learning experience for me.  I know I cannot do all this alone. I cannot go through surgery and treatment and live up to my mothering standards(which, in all honesty have slipped in the past year).  So I am choosing to share this with the world, because hey world? I AM GOING TO NEED YOU!!  Thank you in advance for taking my calls!!

Already love and support are being freely given.  Friends have offered to help get me to doctor appointments and surgery and treatment.  Several dear new friends have said they would gladly take time off from work to be with me whenever I need them.  That touches my heart deeply, as I have struggled with feeling worthy of such love.  One evening as I was sinking fast, I commented on facebook that I could not get warm. Within 5 minutes a dear friend was here with an electric throw blanket that she said they had picked up for us for Christmas.  Coincidence? No.  I feel loved and I feel warm! 

I am also blessed with friends who have survived their own ordeals with cancer.  My dear friend Lisa has been a lifeline to me, loving me, supporting me and offering wonderful advice that I'd have never thought of on my own.  She and so many others are truly gifts from God.  You have no idea how much it boosts my ability to cope when I read or hear your kind and encouraging words.

Tomorrow is my first meeting with the oncologist.  We will plan the best way possible to wage this war.  I feel ready. I feel strong. It's been a long week since my diagnosis. Waiting for answers is never easy, but it did give me the opportunity to find my way to a healthy emotional place.

So many blessings, so many miracles.  One thing this trial will not do is break me!  Cancer will rue the day it ever set up shop in my left breast!  :-)  I am stronger than ever. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I know my Savior has suffered all that I am going through.  Only he knows my exact feelings.  He comforts me and loves me. He sends me help, through all of you! I pray that this experience will help me be a more kind and patient person, a compassionate and understanding friend, and that it will only draw me nearer to the Lord. I pray that I can be up to the task of helping others as dear ones have helped me in the past and are helping me now.  I hope that I am living my life in such a way that I am making my Heavenly Father proud.  I hope that despite the setbacks, I can be a good example of enduring well to my sweet children!