Finding Peace Through the Atonement

Three weeks ago today was the 10 month mark of life without Richard.  I woke up very early for a Sunday and felt strongly the need to send a thank you email to my Stake President for all the Stake did then and has done for my family since.  I shared with him where I was at emotionally and I bore my testimony that I know my Heavenly Father loves me.  I clicked send and headed off to church.  Our high councilmen spoke to us in Sacrament Meeting.  They discussed the theme of our Stake Conference and my heart burned within me.  For these are things I know with all my heart.  I thought, wouldn't it be amazing to share that knowledge with my ward and stake family!  Shortly after I got a reply to my email, which said, I have never extended this invitation via email, but would you like to speak at conference?  I accepted and rode out an extreme emotional high the rest of the day.  Weird huh? ;-)  I do feel that the Spirit was hard at work, preparing me first of all, to even think I was remotely qualified to speak to anyone about anything, and second, to help me feel the peace and reassurance that this was indeed something I could and should do.  It is not a terribly long talk, but it is full of what is in my heart these days.  I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to share. I hope to be able to continue to share and to help others who find themselves struggling on their life journey.  This blog has been a safe place for me to express my story and how I have grown and changed through the joys and pains of life. I feel strongly that there are some tough subjects that I need to talk about, and I hope to do that soon. I guess what I want you all to know is that my life needs to be an open book.  I want to be able to talk about everything and anything. If you need me, I am here for you!

I have had several requests from friends for a copy of my talk, so here it is.  I also want my children, who were not in attendance last night to be able to read what I shared.  It was a little bittersweet to arrive to conference without Richard, to sit on the stand alone, and to leave alone, but I got to see so many of my dear sweet friends and many of them came up to me after and hugged me and that is one of the beautiful blessings I have been given since losing Richard.  Deep friendships have been formed, the kind I never had before because Richard was always here for me.  I have learned to trust and to love deeply and to accept that same love from others, where before maybe I did not feel worthy of such love.  I love knowing that at the age of 42 I am still learning and growing, still evolving!  I am truly blessed!

I am very excited to be here with you all this evening.  When I first heard the theme of our Stake Conference several weeks ago, my heart burned within me, because this is something I have gained a strong testimony of over the years.  When I was asked to speak at this conference later that day, I was filled with excitement at such an amazing opportunity.  I am honored to be able to share with you my testimony of my Heavenly Father’s and my Savior’s love for me.   

Life was never meant to be easy and yet the Lord wants us to feel joy.  At times the trials come so quickly and without warning that we can feel overwhelmed and even lost. We may find ourselves wondering how pain and joy can coexist.  The past decade of my life has been filled with difficult trials that I never thought I could survive.   Looking back, I am amazed at times that I am still here.  But I can see now, that each trial helped me prepare for the next. 

The culmination of all these challenges came earlier this year.  After many years of struggling with addiction and depression, which he hid so well, my husband took his own life last January.  That was the low point for me.  The pain I felt at losing my best friend and eternal companion, at feeling that I had failed him was more than I could bear.  My previous trials had taught me to reach out to and rely on my Savior.  I remember clearly those first few days, pleading with Him to please take this giant hole in my heart and fill it with something, anything but the pain and torment that enveloped me every moment of the day.  No relief came, and that is okay. 

The year before, while in the midst of another devastating trial involving my husband, my dear Aunt Linda sent me an article by Kent F. Richards, called “The Atonement Covers All Pain”.  In it he talks about the pain we must all endure in this life.  He explained that the atonement can help us because our Savior chose to suffer every affliction, sickness, sorrow and heartache that we will ever know.  He did this willingly so that he could know exactly how to help us, if we let him. Pain is part of the learning and growing process.  Sometimes we are confused as we cry out for relief and do not get it right away.  I have learned that just as the Savior suffered for all of our sins and pains in Gethsemane so he could understand how best to help us, we must bear the pain for a time, so that we can understand our Savior and his love for us. It is beautiful, really.  When you are in the midst of terrible pain, it may seem cruel, but it is not.  Know that he will bear you up even as you suffer.   Even in the blur of emotional turmoil, he will help you put one foot in front of the other.  He will send aid through other people and through ministering angels. I know this to be true. I experience this on a regular basis.

If we asked for the pain to be taken and it was, instantly, would we ever learn and grow from that pain?  No, just as we must know the bad to know the good, sickness to fully appreciate good health, we must feel pain in order to appreciate the relief that will come through the gift of the atonement. So when we are in the middle of the worst suffering we have ever felt and we cry out to the Lord for help, we must show faith by being patient and understand that relief will come, in HIS time.  

I long for stability in my life and for my sweet children who have endured so much for ones so young.  After such a tumultuous year I have prayed for stability, but the Lord has prepared me for the answer that my trials are not over.  This last month I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  There are so many blessings to be found in my life at this time, that I know the Lord is aware of me and my children.  I know that although I have some unpleasantness to experience in the weeks and months to come, it will be alright.  I hate the thought of going through this without my sweet husband, who was truly my rock, despite his own challenges.  But I know that I will never be alone.

In his talk, Ministry of Angels, Elder Holland says, “My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. “[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved.”

I want you to know that so many of you are mortal angels in my life.   I feel my Heavenly Father’s love for me each time one of you calls, or stops in to say hi, or sends me a quick text saying you were just thinking of me.  I am never alone and I appreciate those Angels here on Earth who listen to the promptings of the Spirit and reach out when I need it most. What a wonderful example you are to me.  

I remember being told by several people when my husband passed away how this would help me be stronger and be able to help others who might find themselves in my situation in the future.  I remember feeling frustrated because I was in no shape to help anyone at that time because I could not even overcome my own pain.  But I know now that is exactly what the Lord wants of me.  To know the pain of unimaginable loss so that I can act on his behalf to help others struggling with similar things.  What a humbling thought that is.  I hope to be able to begin to repay my debt to the Lord by heading the promptings of the Spirit and helping to lift others in their time of need.  I hope to be a worthy resource to others who face struggles on their journey.

Even though I am in the middle of my next big trial, I find myself looking back at all the trials that have come before and I feel deep gratitude for them, because they have shaped me into the person I am now.  They have helped me to develop a deep and meaningful relationship with my Savior.  With His help, each trial has prepared me to be the woman, mother, student, teacher and friend that the Lord knows I can be.  I am grateful that my Father in Heaven sees the big picture that is my life and that he so patiently offers his guidance when I falter.  I am so grateful for the gospel in my life.  I am thankful that families can be together forever, for I love my family with all my heart.  I am grateful for my knowledge that this life is truly such a short time when compared to the eternities we have ahead of us.  I know that if we can learn to endure well, and yes, find joy through our adversities, that we will be blessed for it eternally.  I share these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Climbing My Mountain

I love the talk, Mountains to Climb, by President Eyring.  I have always felt strengthened by the message that without "mountains" in our lives, we cannot grow into the person our Heavenly Father knows we can be.  I don't know my full potential, but He does.  I have to trust that each trial I face in this life will refine me.

As is true for everyone, I have faced many very tall mountains throughout my life, but none so steep as the one I am on now.  Each day is a struggle to keep moving up, rather than letting myself slide down to the bottom.  My faith helps keep me on track.  I recently had a talk with my Bishop where I admitted I had fallen far down my mountain, and I was just too tired to progress any further.  Being a wise man, he pointed out that perspective is key. He told me I had not fallen down the mountain, perhaps I had only slipped and skinned my knees, but that I was still holding fast to my hard fought place on my mountain.  He recommended I not look up or down, but rather that I look out.  That I should see how high I had climbed, and that I enjoy the view.  This mountain analogy is always with me.  At times in the past I had found myself near the top, only to find another peak to conquer.  Being my best friend,  Richard was always there to encourage me, to pull me up and to steady me when I felt weak.  I tried to do the same for him.  Now I feel so alone at times.  I can't just roll over to face my love and tell him what is troubling me, I cannot ask his advice any time day or night.  I miss that. Richard was compassionate and understanding. He always tried to see things from my perspective and then show me another perspective.  He gave me great advice. He had learned just how to offer it, and I had learned how to accept it. He was like a security blanket, helping me feel warm and safe.  At times I now feel that I am walking on a tightrope without my ever present, kind and loving safety net. 

I could allow myself to feel the injustice of what I have lost.  It is not fair that I have to go forward without my companion. That I have to do it all alone.  But I have chosen to view this as a great opportunity.  I am developing a close relationship with my Savior.  I cannot talk to my husband to get advice, but I can pray to the Lord anytime.  When things seem uncertain, I don't have to feel fear. I can trust that the Lord will guide me.  I know that He is aware of me and my children.  I know that only He understands the sorrow and loneliness that I feel.  I know that He will not let me down.  I, in turn, will strive to not let Him down. I wonder if this deep relationship would be possible if my husband was here.  Please don't misunderstand, I loved the Lord even when my husband was here. But I never had to rely on him fully before.  I was slowly developing the ability to rely on Him, through struggles that Richard and I have had over the years.  But what I am experiencing now is a crash course in learning to depend on the Lord.  Though I cannot say I am grateful for these exact circumstances, I am grateful for the direction it has given me.  I truly can say I am grateful for the years of heartache and struggle that led me to have a testimony of the Gospel and my Savior.  I know so many people turn away from the Lord when times get hard, as if they somehow justify blaming Him.  I am grateful for the desire I have found to run into His arms, rather than turn away.  Who else could more perfectly comfort me? 

Am I okay?  Am I over it?  Do I feel peace and happiness all the time now?  NO!  I still struggle deeply and I have times where I question myself. Sometimes the sadness is overpowering.  Is that the Lord turning his back on me?  No, not at all. That is me, needing to learn and grow, maybe someday I will have learned sufficiently.  I have talked before about the need we have to feel the pain for a time, so we can better understand the power and miracle of the atonement.  I have fallen into the depths of despair, but I always come out on the other side and I know the full measure of the burden that has been taken from me.  What a blessing this is to me.  I am so grateful for my mountains, even at times when I can't help but think of the steep climb, the muddy spots, the seemingly impassable sections.  In the end I know that I can and will climb my mountain and at the top, the beautiful view, the peace, joy and love that awaits me, will all be worth it.

As I have mentioned before, I love going out in the Jeep.  I wanted to learn how to put it into 4 wheel drive and I wanted to take it up a mountain.  But I didn't want to do it alone.  My Bishop and his sweet family came over early one Saturday and allowed us to follow them up a mountain trail to Relay Ridge, a favorite spot for my family when Richard was with us.  Joseph came with me.  I was excited, I was nervous, but I was ready!  Part way up, the Bishop's Jeep had a mechanical issue and he had to take my Jeep to get a part.  What a blessing in disguise! Joseph and I waited on the mountain trail with Angela and her daughter.   The weather was perfect. We had an incredible view and we had fun talking.  When my Jeep got back, Angela and I, along with our kids, headed up the mountain.  The view was incredible at the top, 360 degrees!  The Tetons were right there!  It was an amazing feeling to have made it to the top!  I had taken some smooth rocks up the mountain with me. I had written on each rock an emotion I wanted to leave on the mountain, things like guilt, fear, weakness, doubt. Joseph helped me arrange my stones in a small pile and there they stayed.  I came down the mountain that day feeling lighter and more capable than I have felt in a long time.  I am grateful for people who are willing to help me accomplish my goals and even encourage it. It is so hard to ask for help, but I am learning to allow myself to need others.

A beautiful place to be stuck for a couple hours! 

Heading up!

 

Me and my Jeeping buddy!