Painful reminders...everywhere

The other night was the Blue and Gold Banquet for Joseph.  It was hard to be there.  Richard and I have done scouting together for a lot of years. When I got the calling in the Primary Presidency and we learned I was responsible for being the Scout Committee Chair, Richard willingly offered to help out in that capacity so I would not be too overwhelmed. It soon became his calling and it was fun to work with him again.  I missed him last night.  Next month is the pinewood derby and I have to figure out how to help Joseph get his car made.  Will I ever be able to sit back and enjoy a pack meeting without sadness?

I had to leave early to take Annalina to her volleyball practice.  The sky was dark and clear and there were so many stars. I was reminded of a night last fall when Richard and I were coming home from Idaho Falls.  I saw three stars together and asked him if they were part of Orion's belt.  He pulled over on a deserted country road and got out his cell phone to look up the constellations.  It was fun to be all alone on a dark country road looking at the beautiful stars. Seeing them now just hurts my heart and I wonder if that pain will ever truly go away.

There are certain meals I just can't cook.  Richard loved to help me in the kitchen. He loved to slice and dice and prep things for meals. We have many favorite dishes that everyone loves, but the thought of making them is too much for me.

There is snow in the forecast for tomorrow.  Richard and I have loved the snow since moving to Rexburg. We look forward to its beauty and it was not uncommon for me to walk into his office and see the weather website up on one of his screens. We both loved a good storm-rain, snow, thunder and lightning.  I wonder if weather will now cause an aching in my heart as it causes some people an aching in their bones.

One of our funnest vacations was just a few years ago when we took all of the kids to Disneyland. We were planning to take Annalina and Joseph there again after I graduated.  The thought of going now, to the happiest place on earth, almost makes me feel ill.  We actually traveled a lot as a family. I always planned our trips and Richard got us there.  We went to Yellowstone, Midway, the beaches of Oregon, camping at Fort Stevens, ski boat fun at Clear Lake, trips to Wolf Creek and Lagoon, so many happy memories.  I don't want to do these things without Richard.  How will I ever take my kids on vacation, or to the water park, or sledding in the snow, or camping without remembering those fun times with him as part of our family.  Will the pain ever subside enough to enjoy these activities?  Or am I doomed to do them anyway to keep some normalcy for the kids, but deep down the pain will never end?  So many unanswered questions. Such loss.  At times it is unbearable. At these times I choose to have hope that we don't have to live out our lives without Richard, that he will realize what he is missing and come home.

The kids are feeling it too, I can tell.  We used to watch Merlin and Voyager as a family.  Most nights before bed we would watch an episode together. Recently, Annalina asked if we could watch an episode of Merlin, but Joseph got angry and refused because that is something we do with daddy.  Today while Annalina was using the computer to do homework I told Joseph he could use the one in daddy's office.  He said no, it felt too weird and he got really sad.  Life with Richard is all they know.  There are reminders of him everywhere, constantly.  If my heart aches so, how must they feel?  And how in the world do I help them process that pain when I have no idea how to control my own pain?  I know the answer.  A lot of prayer and being ready to receive answers and guidance through the Spirit. It sounds simply, but its not.  But I will keep trying.

I wonder if he misses us. I wonder if he sees things that bring up memories and I wonder if it feels like a dagger to his heart. Is he happy, is he angry, is he feeling utter hopelessness, is he numb to all emotion?  I have no idea, but I do wonder if he has just blocked us from his mind?  Or does he think of us and miss us? I wish I knew that much.