Happy? Anniversary

Today is my 16th wedding anniversary to my sweetheart Richard Loomis. Lot's of mixed emotions this week as I remember my life with him and my love for him. I love this song. Most of all I love my husband and I will keep counting the years and celebrating our marriage. I miss him so much and oh how I wish he could be here with me to celebrate.

Bumps in the Road

Earlier this week the Detective on Richard's case came by to tell me that they were closing the case. He also needed a signature from me on the form releasing the shotgun because I didn't want it back.  There are so many holes in the timeline of that morning and I asked him questions. Perhaps it would have been better not to know, but I have found that every piece of information helps me to process what happened that day. And at times I feel I am desperate to make sense of it all, as if that is even possible. 

The death certificate states he died between 5 and 6 am.  I knew he did not hit send on the email he wrote to me until 5:47, so why did they think he could have died earlier?  I asked the detective and was told that a security camera showed the Jeep pulling into the parking lot at 5am.  If each day is a step forward in healing, this information set me back miles.  I had always thought he was on autopilot and that it all happened incredibly fast, before he could think about it, or talk himself out of it.  But now I know better. I know that he sat in the back of that parking lot for at least 47 minutes before he got out and took his own life.  Did he try to talk himself out of it? Did he consider calling me and asking for help?  Did he just sit there in complete mental darkness for such a long time, sinking deeper into despair each minute?

When someone we love passes away, we find comfort in knowing it was quick and the suffering was short.  But to know that someone has suffered so deeply for any length of time is devastating.  The wounds in my heart, which will never heal properly, were torn open again and I feel as though the mourning process has started over.  I ache for my poor lost husband who felt he had to bear his burdens all on his own.  I am so sad he he felt all alone.

For a couple weeks after his death I felt so much guilt about not knowing, not getting him help, not saving him.  My mind understands it was not my fault, but my heart still struggles with this.   I am working through those feelings and I think my subconscious attempted to help with that through a dream I had a few weeks ago.  I was with Richard in the hospital. He was in a hospital bed.  We were told he was being released and I could take him home.  In my mind I knew we only had moments left and that he was about to die.  He got out of the bed and as we walked to the door together, he fell to the ground. I knelt beside him and knew he was going to die and I held him as he passed away.  In that dream I knew there was nothing I could do to stop what was going to happen.  But I got to be with him, to ease his last moments and help him feel my love for him.

I wish so much that I could have eased his burdens at the end.  What I wouldn't give to have been able to hold his hand through his suffering.  But I am also coming to the realization that there was nothing more that I could do.  We had a loving marriage. I expressed my love to him often. I liked to tell him, "I don't just love you, I adore you".  I knew he had huge things he was struggling with and I was here to help him, but I also knew there were things he wasn't comfortable sharing.   He was a wonderful husband and I tried to be a good wife.  I think that some damage just runs too deep.  There was so much distrust for others throughout his early life that I think that carried over into our marriage.  Through no fault of his or mine, he just couldn't trust that I would always be here for him.  Which is incredibly frustrating to me, given all we have gone through together, and the fact that I was still here!  I feel I have been blessed with compassion and great understanding of his trials in life and how they affected us.  It is because of this that I feel no anger towards him.  I still love him and still look forward to eternity with him.  I have a journal in which I write to him.  In it I remind him often to work hard to do those things he needs to do to be ready for us as we join him one by one.  A friend said to me that she believes the healing he needed could only happen in the arms of the Savior.  What a beautiful picture that brings into my mind. 

The Day Life Changed Forever

I woke up in early hours of the morning on January 22nd and my Richard was not in bed.  I went to find him and he said he was unable to sleep and was just checking email.  I went back to bed and left my lamp on so I would not be too deeply asleep when he came back to bed. I wanted to talk with him before we had to start the day. I never saw him again.

He had been feeling down all week, but my sweet husband tried to hide that from us. He didn't want to burden anyone.  As everyone who knew him knows, he was always willing to help with a smile on his face. He was happy, friendly and outgoing, never revealing his inner turmoil.  He never returned to our room and when I awoke I found an email - the saddest email ever - in my inbox.  My sweet husband had been suffering for so long.  He had reached a point of hopelessness and in his dark state of mind, he felt the best thing for everyone would be if he was gone.  He had promised many times over the last year that he would never leave me again and I remember saying out loud, "No, No, No" as I rushed to get dressed. My heart was pounding as I imagined the worst. I somehow managed to get the kids off to school without a word. I thought I could find him and bring him home and love him and it would all be okay.

He had mentioned the Temple in his email so I drove there to look for him, praying the whole way that I would find him alive.  He was not there so I came home to start calling him, never realizing I passed him along the way, but he was already gone.  I called my Bishop, but he was out of the country. I called the first counselor who immediately came over and advised me to call the police right away.  Adrienne rushed home from school when I asked her to and my counselor came over to be with us too.  Richard had left his cell phone on next to his wallet in the Jeep so he could easily be found, but he did not die in his Jeep.  The police came and took information and his cell phone number and shortly after that got a ping nearby.  They left to check on it and when they weren't back in 45 minutes I called the detective. He did not answer. I knew this was a bad sign, and yet a silent plea continued, "please let him be okay".  A few minutes later the police officer and the detective came back with the news that my husband had been found, but that he was not alive. The world stopped in that moment. My mind flooded with thoughts of my children and how crushed they would be, questions about how could I go on alone, without my best friend and eternal companion. They say when you die your life flashes before your eyes. In that moment my future flashed before my eyes, all our plans, our goals, our dreams, how would they be possible now?  The pain was more than anything I have ever felt before.

My sweet daughter Adrienne held my hand as we cried together.   I have a great respect for law enforcement.  They took plenty of time to answer questions and help me understand what would have to happen next.  They were kind and compassionate. I learned later that he was not found where they originally told me his phone had been pinged.  And they would not tell me where he was found until after his body had been taken away.  They worried I would try to go and see Richard and they wanted to protect me from that.  I am grateful.  The detective shared advice from his own experience of losing a child to suicide.  Jacob came home and was so emotional at the news.  The police called the schools to tell them the kids would be leaving early and my sweet friend Taunya picked them up and brought them home.  It was the hardest thing to have to tell them daddy was gone. My counselor told me to be vague and just say that daddy had passed away, but Joseph started to ask the hard questions right away and I had to carefully share that daddy was struggling and took his own life.  Heartache after headache.  My children cried in my arms.  All we could do was cling to each other.  We sat together for hours, in shock over this incredibly heartbreaking loss.

People were in and out all the rest of the day, though I cannot really remember exactly who.  President Parkinson came by and gave the kids and I all blessings.  The police came back a third time to discuss where the body had been taken and details of what would need to be done in the next few days.  They were kind and told me to take the rest of the day and just be with my family. But more people came by and papers needed to be signed.  I had to call and let family know. By evening I felt the need to do something. The police had told me the Jeep was released for pick up, so I had Adrienne drive me to it.  I just sat there crying for quite some time, trying to fathom how this was all possible.  I prayed, I cried some more. Being there, where his last moments took place, my heart just ached for Richard, that he had been so alone, that I was not able to be there to ease his burden.  I drove the Jeep for the first time that night.  I brought it home. It smelled of him.  So many happy memories we had in that Jeep, exploring the beauty of Idaho.  I parked at home and sat there for the longest time, sobbing.

The little kids decided to sleep with me. I was grateful because I did not want them to be alone and I didn't want to be alone either.   I took a sleeping pill.  About an hour after finally falling to sleep I woke up terribly thirsty.  I got up to get a drink and immediately got dizzy.  I leaned against the doorway and closed my eyes for a moment and suddenly I was falling. I was so tired I fell asleep standing there.  I climbed back into bed but didn't sleep more than a couple of hours.  That would be my new normal as far as sleep goes.

Looking back, I don't know how I survived that day emotionally.  Or the days and weeks that followed.   I have been told that I am strong and that I am doing well handling it all.  I appreciate such kind comments, but I have learned that we just do what has to be done. We move forward because there is no choice.  I am grateful for the faith that I have developed over my lifetime. I am grateful for the knowledge that the Lord is our merciful Father who knows our hearts and will make sure all is as it should be in the end, which is really just the beginning.  I am grateful for the love and support my family has received and I will write more on that later.  Mostly I felt the need to record my experience, to make this a part of our family history.  I don't know what our future holds, but I want to be able to remind myself that I am a survivor, that I can do impossible things, that I am strong.  And I hope at some point someone at the beginning of their journey of heartache might read this and know there is hope.  As dark as things may seem, the light will eventually start to shine through. 

Laid To Rest - The Story Through Photographs

Wednesday, the 28th of January, was the culmination of so many emotions as we laid Richard to rest and said our goodbyes to this wonderful man, husband, father and friend.  I will post more when I am emotionally able to, but for now here are some gorgeous photos my daughter, Adrienne, took at the cemetery. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. These photos speak volumes to my heart...

 

Richard Loomis - Life Sketch

Richard Charles Loomis, was born July 12, 1969 in Palm Springs California. He was the only child of Ron and Peggy Loomis.  His mother left the family unexpectedly when Richard was just the tender age of 5 and his life after that was very difficult.  He shared heartbreaking stories with me, things no child should experience, but I saw so much strength in him for his desire to survive even the worst of circumstances. 

Richard spent his entire youth in Palm Springs and during high school he worked in a computer shop as well as a print shop.  Right after he graduated from high school he enlisted in the army.  He served for over four years and was stationed in many different places.  For someone used to the intense heat of Palm Springs he loved his time in upstate New York in the winter.  He earned many awards and accommodations in the Army and served as an aero scout and a helicopter mechanic.  When he left the army he spent several years in the National Guard.  He was so proud to serve his country and we loved to listen to his stories of his service around the US as well as in Korea.  

After leaving the military he went home to Palm Springs and worked in construction.  He decided he didn't like working outside in the scorching heat and wanted a change. Some friends who worked for an airline were going to be relocated to Portland Oregon. They suggested he come along with them.  When their plans fell through he went anyway, having only been there once and not knowing a single person, he had fallen in love with Oregon and felt it was where he was supposed to be.  

He posted to an Oregon bulletin board that he was looking for work and a place to stay temporarily. I happened to read and respond to his post and we got along wonderfully from the start.  Since I was newly divorced and moving back to my parents’ home, I invited him to take over the last month of my lease.  Even though I was living with my parents I had years of things to sort through and Richard jumped right in to help.  We were inseparable from the start.  I had two small children, but he loved them as his own.  From the beginning he came to Sunday dinner at my parents’ house and that was pretty much it!  My mom told me if I didn't marry him she would adopt him.  And her cooking was more than he could say no to!  We were best friends and love came shortly after.  That deep friendship has always stayed strong.

Richard and I married in Hillsboro, Oregon on May 15, 2000. Again, he accepted my children, Adrienne and Jacob as his own and loved them so much.  For a few years he had a motorcycle and got the kids a helmet so he could take them for occasional rides for birthdays and other special occasions.

He worked for most of our marriage at Tektronix in Beaverton, Oregon. He worked in the information technology department and was well loved by all he worked with.  

Richard was not a member of the church when I married him and had little interest in learning about it until our sweet Adrienne began to prepare for baptism.  He watched Adrienne prepare and was so impressed and then attended her baptism and felt the spirit so strongly that he started to ask questions, a lot of questions.  Questions I did not always know the answers to.  My dad who had been bishop for years spent hours with Richard, answering him and teaching him.  They developed such a strong bond. One day my dad said, "I know a couple of guys who could teach you more".   It seemed that each time the missionaries came to teach, they were on splits.  Their companions were always stake presidents, or former bishops. I always felt the Lord sent in the heavy hitters to get Richard's attention.  Within a couple of months my father baptized Richard.  

On December 16th of 2001, our sweet Annalina Marie was born.  He adored her even before her arrival. From the moment she entered this world he never left her side.  If they needed her for testing, he went along, he was her protector.  She spent her first year sleeping in our room and each morning we'd pull her into bed with us and they'd play and giggle together.  They have always enjoyed a very special bond.

Two year after we were married, Richard took our family of five to the temple to be sealed.  What a blessing it was to have all three children sealed to us.  There was a delay of some kind and Richard and I found ourselves sitting in the Celestial Room for about an hour together.  What a special time that was for us to reflect on eternity together. 

On April 22, 2005 we welcomed Joseph Charles into our family.  Again there was a very special bond between father and son.  When Joseph failed to gain weight his first week, Richard fed him with his finger and a small tube in the middle of the night so I could get some rest.  Richard has always been so tender and loving with our children. He taught me so much about patience and how to be a good parent.

I went back to school a few years after Joseph was born. Richard was so proud of me and did everything in his power to help me succeed. He arranged his schedule so he could be home after school with the kids. We had many late study nights where he quizzed me and helped me prepare for tests and finals.  I earned my associates degree and wanted to continue.  At the time Adrienne was considering BYU-I and I mentioned jokingly how fun it would be to go to school with her. Richard loved that idea and looked into working remotely for Tektronix.  When it was approved we moved to Rexburg where Richard worked extra hard at his job as well as taking half time classes.  We quickly fell in with the area and the people and made plans to stay. In July I finally earned my bachelors degree and he was so proud of me.

Shortly after we moved here we bought a piano and Richard found much joy listening to the children learn to play.  Joseph especially took to the piano and was enrolled in classes on campus for a while. He was a joy to listen to and Richard was so proud. It was always Richard’s hope to get him into regular lessons, which is something I hope to be able to do soon.  Annalina started playing the violin in middle school and Richard always loved to hear her practice. Attending her concerts was a highlight for him. 

At church he held various callings.  His first was unofficial as he was not yet baptized, but I was on the activities committee and he came along to help. Soon he was MC-ing talent shows and helping plan Christmas parties.  He was so loved by everyone he worked with. Once he was officially a member, he served in various callings from cubmaster and 11 year old scout leader to ward mission leader. His favorite calling was in scouts.  He loved working with our son Jacob.  And he worked hard to make a difference in the lives of the other boys he worked with. He went to camp every summer with the boys and then went ice caving in the winter, leaving me home to worry endlessly!  He even bought a bright orange Land Rover for their scouting adventures.  He also jumped in to help at Young Women's camp.  When they needed priesthood leaders for hiking he always tried to volunteer. As fun as it was for him, he also wanted to spend time with Adrienne and make sure she was doing okay.  

Richard was an avid outdoorsman. He spent many weekends with Annalina, Joseph and I off-roading in his Jeep. He truly enjoyed exploring the beauty of Idaho with us and even once took me to picnic at the top of a mountain in Kelly Canyon. He also loved camping and when the family lived in Oregon, there was always an annual summer camping trip to Fort Stevens.  He loved dragonflies and one year we happened to be camping during a rare dragonfly migration.  Thousands of them went zipping by, it was amazing. 

Richard struggled so much over the past few years. There was much from his youth that he was working to overcome. Often he struggled alone because he did not want to burden those around him.  He loved to serve others, he loved to smile and laugh.  Others loved him too and I have appreciated hearing that from so many people.  Richard is my best friend and I can say that we had a fun marriage, a good marriage, a loving marriage.  I know without a doubt that he loves me. 

My father passed away a couple of years ago and it was hard on both of us. Richard loved my mom and dad and they loved him as the son they never had. Often he would tell me, "I miss your dad so much".  I ache to think of Richard's last  moments in this life and the misery and hopelessness he was experiencing all by himself, but I am grateful to know that afterward my father was there to comfort him and I am grateful for the peace he is feeling now.  

It hurts so much to let go of my best friend, the love of my life.  I ache to think of the dreams we shared that won't happen, but I know I will see him again. I know that families can be together forever.  I am grateful for the gospel and the atonement and I am grateful for my Savior for helping to hold me up when I feel I just can't go on.  It is left to me to continue on and work harder than ever to make sure my family returns to our Heavenly Father and so that our family can truly be together forever.

Ramblings of a Broken Heart and Clouded Mind

"We've found your husband...I'm sorry to say that he is deceased."  Words spoken kindly and gently and yet they ripped through my life like a class 5 hurricane.  Lost dreams, broken hearts...nothing will ever be the same.  How can our world ever be okay again?  How do I mend the hearts of my sweet children who miss their daddy so much and can't possibly understand why and how this happened?  How do I put myself back together enough so that they I can help them?  How do I be strong when my best friend left me permanently alone in this life?  By choice...he left of his own free will.  I understand that his mind was darkened with mental anguish, but it breaks my heart that the love I have for him couldn't get through to him in the end.  I feel like a failure and my mind races maddeningly with thoughts of what I could have done differently...desperately wishing I could go back and change things.

I realize this may have been the outcome a year ago when our family felt the full effects of my husband's mental illness for the first time.  A year ago today he left for a month, disappearing without a word.  We prayed and fasted and prayed some more.  He finally came back to us, broken, but home.  Many times over the past year he has promised me he would never leave me again, unless I asked him to.  He left, for good this time, and he promised me he wouldn't.  How does my mind even begin to process this?  He told me that last year he wanted to die and he was not going to come home.  But then he wanted to hear my voice one more time.  He was so disconnected with our world that he had no idea what I had been doing to try to find him.  That I was not angry and only wanted him home where he could get the help he needed while wrapped in the arms of his loving family. He thought he would call, and I would be angry, and he could make his permanent exit from life.  He was wrong and I am grateful for that.

I feel this past year is a gift.  We struggled, we worked hard to get over temporarily broken hearts, we talked, we laughed, we spent so much time together, we struggled some more, things were far from perfect, but we kept trying.   I tried so hard to understand what was going on inside his mind.  I knew he wasn't capable of sharing everything, so I tried to be patient with him and just love him.  Sometimes I failed at that, wanting change to come quicker.  He was my best friend.  I miss him so much. It hurts terribly, but if I was given the choice, I'd do it all over again.  The 15 years of our marriage were worth this terrible pain.  Our family is worth it.  He is worth that to me, and more.  I only wish he could have seen that.

I have faith that through the Atonement all will be made right in the end.  I know that we can be a forever family, as we always planned.  I know my children and even myself will be okay through the comfort that only the Savior can give us.  My doctor asked me today, as I sat in his office having an anxiety attack, if I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.  No, there is no light and there is no tunnel, as it feels I am in a small dark place and there is no way out.  But I do believe that relief will come.  In time.  I am once again choosing faith and  not fear.  As heartbreaking as it is to move forward without my Richard, I know I can do it.  But life stretches out so long in front of me...

So much So fast

I saw my doctor yesterday.   I tried to be strong, but instead I sat in the waiting room sobbing, luckily I was alone and didn't have to wait too long.  Doctor Hardy is so kind and gave me such good advice.  He prescribed me something to help me sleep. Something very heavy duty, since the night before I only got a total of about 2 hours of sleep using my old Rx.  Last night I took a pill and climbed into bed.  Both kids came in to sleep with me and my sweet Annalina started to cry. She said that she keeps forgetting that daddy isn't coming home.  I fought the effects of my pill and comforted her for quite a while.  My heart is already broken and yet it breaks into smaller pieces to see my sweet children suffer.  Two and a half hours later I was wide awake and obsessing about the obituary that was due today.  I was so worried about doing a good job telling about Richard's life.  Things kept going through my mind.  I finally got up and typed out what had come to me.  Then I started going through photos for the obituary and program.  What a brutal experience that was.  Having to look at photo after photo of good times with the man I love!  I cried and cried.  Someday I hope to get to the point where those photos bring me joy.  But that time is not in sight yet.

I had to go to the funeral home to go over some things.  Sweet Adrienne went with me.  The funeral director helped us finish up the obituary and didn't even get upset that it wasn't completely done.  (Why did I feel like a schoolgirl turning in an unfinished report?)  He was kind and helpful to us.  I had found the perfect photo.  It was of Richard and Adrienne together on her wedding day.  He cropped it down so it was just Richard and the look on Richard's face is priceless. He was so happy and proud of Adrienne that day.  I am grateful I found that photo.  It is exactly how I want my husband to be remembered.

After all that, I spent some time with my husband.  It was so painful and yet such a tender experience, to touch his face which was hard and then to touch his hands which were soft.  At times I wish I could feel anger towards him for taking himself away from us like this.  Then the pain would take a back seat to the anger.  But all I can feel right now is a great love and compassion for him and what he must have gone through to end up doing what he did.  I am heartbroken he was so alone. I am sad he didn't feel that he could share his desperation with me.  I miss him so very much.  He no longer looks like himself.  They did quite a bit of work on my dear husband, but the damage he did to himself was great.  I carefully asked the kids if they felt they wanted to see him one last time and was grateful to hear that they would prefer to remember him as he was.  Adrienne was with me every minute.  I know it wasn't easy for her, but she was there loving me and supporting me and it was so very precious.  I talked to him.  I hope he heard me.  I think he did.  These kind of losses are so hard because there is so much left unsaid. 

Remembering the Good Times

This was picnic on a mountain day. Best date ever! I worried that photos of Richard would always make me sad. But I like to be reminded of the happy memories. There are so very many of them! Grateful I took a moment to capture this one. I miss my husband.

It's been a while

I have put a lot of thought into my blog lately.  I received so much positive feedback from people who felt that the blog helped them think more closely about their own lives and marriages and I appreciated hearing such kind comments.  One person sent criticism that my blog could possibly damage any hope of repairing my marriage.  I tried not to take that one personally since this person doesn't even know me or my family and obviously did not take the time to read all the entries I posted expressing my love and concern for my husband while he was gone.  One of the first things I did when Richard came home was ask if he wanted me to delete all the blog posts I had written. We talked about it in depth and he said no, he did not want that.  

During the month that I was alone, many people read my blog and sent me messages of love and support. I appreciated that so much.  I have not wanted to post anything too personal out of respect for Richard and the things he is dealing with at this time. But now that he is home, I find I am in a very lonely place.  I know that I am still loved by friends, family and neighbors. I also know that most people are giving us space because, well, we have a lot of work to do in our home.  But there are times when I feel so alone!  I have a couple of very close friends who regularly send me notes of encouragement and I want them to know what a lifeline they have become to me. I also got a phone call from a sweet friend who moved away a couple of months ago. She just wanted to check that I was doing okay and I was very touched by this.

There is still so much work to do, both personally and in the marriage. Some days feel like we are moving backwards instead of forward.  Sometimes I feel such sadness and loss and I feel so alone.  I wish I had the answers, but one thing I do feel strongly about is that there is no hurry.  Things will work out as they are supposed to.  I have felt frustrated by the lack of a concrete answer to my situation. Answers that I have been praying so hard to find. But I have come to realize that perhaps the timing just isn't right yet.  I have faith that the answers will come when I am ready for them.

The Worth of Souls

The kids and I have received so much support over the past month or so.  I am extremely grateful for all those who love us and were ready and willing to express that to us when we needed it most.  Recently I received a very insightful and loving message from an old ward member in Oregon and I want to talk a little about what he had to say, as it touched me deeply.

He requested that I help Richard to feel not so alone and that I remind him of his goodness.  This makes me think of the scripture in DandC that says, "The worth of souls is great in the eyes of God".  That is something I think of each and every day. I try to help Richard see that as well.  The Lord loves him and will never give up on him.  I won't either.  This man also said if he was here, he would encircle Richard in his arms and asked if I would do so on his behalf when I was ready.  I love this so much.  Not just words, but actions to express such deep emotion and understanding!  I do hug my husband every day.  I am trying to help him see himself as the great man that he is.  In viewing him as the Lord sees him, it is easy to let go of negative emotions and feel a pure love for him.  I see my husband's infinite worth and I know that he is worth every bit of effort that will be required of us.

The response to our situation has been extremely positive here in Rexburg and from dear friends in Oregon and family across the country.  It is easy for me to see and feel the love everyone has for my husband, as well as our family as a whole.  I worried so much about our family being judged and even asked that people please not do so.  It seems that for the most part, that was never an issue.  People are kind and loving.  They see the goodness in my husband and they love him for that.  This has meant so much to me. And I hope as he comes to see this, it will mean a lot to him as well.

Where Is My Happily Ever After?

My husband is home. It is what I prayed for. But it is not turning out to go the way I had envisioned...a loving embrace, tears, all the words I need to hear, all the words he needs to hear, incredible joy on both of our parts that the healing can start now.  Oh, and in my vision, a box of chocolates, a huge bouquet of flowers, and a beam of sunlight shining down on us from above.  Yeah, I may have been overreaching, but for four weeks all I could do was imagine the possibility that I would see him again and that we could find a way to make this work. There were a lot of minutes to fill with pointless daydreaming. One thing I do know, no amount of chocolate, flowers, sunlight, or even diamonds can make this right.  It is going to take a LOT of work on both of our parts. I am willing and able.  He is not...yet.

He is not filled with joy, he is depressed, more depressed than I knew he was capable of.  The truth is he cannot give me what I need right now and I cannot express to you just how frustrating that is. He caused this pain, I want him to make it right, RIGHT NOW!  I am tired of suffering and wondering what the future holds. He can make me no promises.  And I have to live with that.  My first inclination is to get angry (and sadly, I must admit that inside my mind, I have).  I want to lash out at him and make him hurt just as badly as I hurt.  Will that help?  Would he then be able to see what he has done to me emotionally?  No.  There is no way to "help" him see that until he is ready, if that time ever comes.  And deep down, I know he is suffering incredibly, he is still lost in his own darkness.  Right now I need to be a light to him rather than pushing him further down the path to nowhere.  

The patience that I developed to wait for a month, wondering if I would ever see him again, must now be used again to give him the time that he needs to prepare himself for the healing process.  I am not entirely sure he will get there, but I pray that with time he will come to be able to understand what I need to make this work and what he needs as well. I am trying so hard to give him what he needs.  Despite my inner turmoil, I try to say encouraging words to him. I try to express my gratitude that he is home with us.  I tell him that we prayed for him constantly, that we never gave up hope.  I don't know that he hears me, but maybe at some point he will be ready to.  I can only pray that he will.

So where is my happily ever after?  It is coming. It may take time.  It won't be easy waiting and then working for it.  And I don't know how it will look right now. But I know in time it will come.

Answered Prayers

I have been  hoping and praying to be able to write this post for almost a month.  Richard is at last home. He is safely with us again.  This is a direct answer to thousands of prayers and lots of fasting.  This is exactly what we asked for, and yet, although there are feelings of relief that he is home, there are a myriad of other emotions that I did not expect to feel.  There is much work to be done and I don't know just how long it will take to get there, or even where we will end up, but we will move forward and see where the path to recovery leads.

For those who are worried for me and my emotional safety, I thank you so much for your love and concern.  I know all too well that the trust my marriage was built on is broken.  I know that he could leave again at any time and that I am not in control of his choices.  I promise you that I am moving forward carefully.  I am guarding my heart and doing my best to protect my children's fragile emotional state.  Yesterday I spent almost three hours with the counselor at Joseph's school.  We formulated a plan for Joseph and Annalina and then we talked about me and where I am at with this.  This man is amazing. He gave me great insight and ideas and I am grateful that at the last minute he was willing and able to see me.

All four of the kids put aside their anger and willingly forgave Richard immediately.  Annalina and Joseph spent the evening by his side. Joseph is especially happy and remembers to thank Heavenly Father in each prayer he says. The kids have a lot of questions but we went into this letting them know that they may ask Richard whatever they need to, whenever they need to. This has been a healthy thing for them as they are not pressured to ask it all at once and can ponder their feelings and process them in their own time. I am grateful for the amazing resilience of children although I know that there is a lot going on inside their precious little minds. I will be watching them carefully for years to come, I am sure.  The children are still sleeping in my room with me and I feel that it comforts me as well as them.

After the heartache I have felt for the past month, I find myself feeling numb.  I love my husband and I am grateful he has returned.  I feel much compassion towards him because of the darkness that pulled him away from us.  I also feel I am in a state of shock and at times I find myself afraid. I am trying to replace that fear with faith.  Now the real work begins and I pray that I will feel the guiding influence of the Spirit as we go forward trying to mend the broken pieces of our marriage.  I don't think this is something he and I can do alone. It will require much support and direction from above.

Again I ask that you not judge my husband.  Knowing the pain he caused us, it took a great deal for him to come back and it will not be an easy road for him to fix the damage he has done.  He will be working very hard to get healthy emotionally.  He will also be working hard to fix relationships.  He can use all the love and support he can get.  

Thank you for the prayers you have offered on behalf of our family. Thank you for fasting with me on Sunday.  I asked all who joined to help me fast that the love we feel for Richard and the light and love of our Heavenly Father would somehow penetrate the darkness he was dwelling in.  He told me Sunday was a turning point for him.  I know this is not a coincidence.  Please continue to pray for my family, that whatever the outcome is, we can be safe and happy in the end, no matter what happens.  I love you dear friends and family!

Not all about me....

My last post was all about me and the effect this whole experience has had on me.  I was feeling a little self centered, but now I need to acknowledge that I am not the only one in pain here. Yes, he left me, but he left us. He left our beautiful children.  They are sad, they are angry, they are hurt beyond anything I can possibly imagine for children so young and innocent.  I can live with what he has done to me, but I don't know if I can live with what he has done and is doing to the children.

Joseph's anger is changing him. He is such a sweet little boy, but he gets mad so easily now. He lashes out at the smallest thing.  I need to find a way to get him help with dealing with these issues.  We talked today about moving to a smaller place.  I joked that it could have one bedroom for the three of us, since we all share a room right now.  He said, "but where will daddy sleep when he gets home?".  When his pj's were in the washer and it was bedtime I grabbed an old t-shirt of Richard's for him to sleep in. He got mad and said he would not wear it because its daddy's.  It was silly of me not to consider this.  Joseph is angry and hurt and he does not know how to let it out.

Annalina is angry too, but she expresses it through sadness and tears.  It hurts me so much to see her cry. I asked her what she would do it daddy came home and she said she would turn away and go to her room until she knew what else to do. She is confused. We all are.  She and Richard have always been so close. She has emailed him with no reply.  She feels abandoned and it is heartbreaking to watch her struggle with this.

Jacob doesn't talk about it much, but he is a young man of few words. I know it has affected him but I don't know how deeply.  So far, he has been my rock in Richard's absence. I need to be careful not to ask too much of him.  But I have been amazed at his capacity for understanding.

Adrienne has been sick almost constantly since Richard left.  I worry that her emotions have no outlet and they manifest through illness.  I know she is here for me and she loves us and is willing to help. But physically she has struggled these past few weeks.

I pray every day for guidance in how to help my children deal with the pain and loss they are experiencing. I know others are praying for them too and I am so grateful for that.  I know that now, more than ever before in my life, I have to be the very best mom I can be.  I have to be calm in dealing with outbursts, I have to listen attentively when they need me, and most of all I need to help them to know that I am not going anywhere. I will be here for them!

So, I have been dumped....

...deserted, discarded, left, forgotten, jilted, rejected, abandoned...well you get the point.  I just have to get it all out there, all at once.  My husband left me!  Wow, there is something I NEVER expected to say.  My husband, who in the days before leaving was telling me how much he loved me, has left me!  Yes, it is true! My husband left me in the most horrible way I can imagine. No hint, no word, no note explaining himself, I wasn't even sure he was alive for a couple of days there.  There are times when I still wonder if he is.  His disappearance was on the news, it was in the paper.  People still say, "so glad they found him, bet you are glad to have him home", only he's not home and I have no idea where he is.  While my mind is quick to give me all the reasons I am at fault for his disappearance, my heart is telling me that is was not us or me, I think it was just him.

So how should I feel about this?  Just a few years ago I would be hiding away, horrified that the world thought I was a failure as a wife. I am sure there are some people who look at me and imagine I must be pretty horrible to cause him to leave like he did.  I just can't seem to make myself care about that.  I heard once that the older you get the less the opinions of others means and that might just be it.  It also may be that I know the truth, as much as can be known at this point, and if others don't understand that, it just doesn't matter to me.

How I feel is devastated that he is gone and I don't fully understand why. I feel a deep sense of loss at the disappearance of my best friend and a relationship that I have always cherished.  I feel like I am no longer whole.  I feel sad at all the many future dreams and goals we had together that just cannot be without him here. I feel overwhelmed that it all rests on my shoulders now. That I am the one who must make all the decisions, change all the light bulbs, figure out how to fix things, earn the money we will survive on, attend to ALL the needs of my children, whether I feel qualified or not.  I also feel tired, so very tired.

Each day is different, each hour can be very different too.  One day I will wake up with an aching so deep in my heart I can hardly breath. Other days I wake up thinking this can't be real.  Often I feel like I am in a daze.  At times I accept what has happened and I think of the future, and the plans I am making are not bad at all.  At these times I see a day where the kids and I are truly happy again.  Sometimes I can hear his Jeep pulling into the driveway and I am certain he is coming home to us.  It is still so hard for me to think this could be permanent.  I still hope it is not and that something, somehow will reach him and he will remember us, and long for us and come home to us so we can work on mending the bridges he has worked so hard to burn to ashes.

Feeling Pain

My dear Aunt Linda sent me a wonderful article about the atonement.  It is, "The Atonement Covers All Pain" by Kent F. Richards.  He talks about the pain we must all endure and that the atonement can help us because the Savior suffered every affliction, sickness, sorrow and heartache.  He knows exactly how to help us, if we let him.  He also talks about pain being part of the learning and growing process.  Sometimes we are confused as we cry out for relief and do not get it right away.  I have learned that just as the Savior suffered for all of our sins and pains in Gethsemane so he could understand how best to help us, we must bear the pain for a time, so that we can understand our Savior and his love for us. It is beautiful.  When you are in the midst of terrible pain, it may seem cruel, but it is not.  Know that he will bear you up even as you suffer.  Even in the blur of emotional turmoil, he will help you put one foot in front of the other.  He will send aid through other people and through ministering angels. I know this to be true.

If we asked for the pain to be taken and it was, instantly, would we ever learn and grow from that pain?  No, just as we must know the bad to know the good, we must feel pain in order to appreciate the relief that will come. So when we are in the midst of the worst suffering we have ever felt and we cry out to the Lord for help, we must be patient and understand that relief will come.  We just need to have the faith that it will come and that all will be well in time.

Its been three weeks and I still feel a deep aching in my heart.  But there are moments of peace.  Yesterday I went to the temple to do initiatories.  I felt the need to hear those blessings, but I felt like surely I would cry the whole way though. I almost didn't go, then I prayed and just went.  I listened to those beautiful promises and I felt peace. I did not cry once. I know that was a miracle and I know the Lord allowed me to hear those amazing promises without feeling the pain I was sure they would bring.

Today I did not want to go to church.  My mind kept telling me to stay home, take the day off, catch up on sleep.  I know some people are uncomfortable around me and don't know what to say, and that is okay, probably perfectly normal.  Others are so quick to offer their love and support, and it is much appreciated.  But it all feels awkward to me.  At times I am not sure what to say or how to react and I hope that people understand that.  But I think that doing something that feels so challenging emotionally shows the Lord that I am willing to sacrifice. I will work hard for the relief I seek.  I won't hide myself away from the world, I will be strong and await the comfort that I know will come.

Painful reminders...everywhere

The other night was the Blue and Gold Banquet for Joseph.  It was hard to be there.  Richard and I have done scouting together for a lot of years. When I got the calling in the Primary Presidency and we learned I was responsible for being the Scout Committee Chair, Richard willingly offered to help out in that capacity so I would not be too overwhelmed. It soon became his calling and it was fun to work with him again.  I missed him last night.  Next month is the pinewood derby and I have to figure out how to help Joseph get his car made.  Will I ever be able to sit back and enjoy a pack meeting without sadness?

I had to leave early to take Annalina to her volleyball practice.  The sky was dark and clear and there were so many stars. I was reminded of a night last fall when Richard and I were coming home from Idaho Falls.  I saw three stars together and asked him if they were part of Orion's belt.  He pulled over on a deserted country road and got out his cell phone to look up the constellations.  It was fun to be all alone on a dark country road looking at the beautiful stars. Seeing them now just hurts my heart and I wonder if that pain will ever truly go away.

There are certain meals I just can't cook.  Richard loved to help me in the kitchen. He loved to slice and dice and prep things for meals. We have many favorite dishes that everyone loves, but the thought of making them is too much for me.

There is snow in the forecast for tomorrow.  Richard and I have loved the snow since moving to Rexburg. We look forward to its beauty and it was not uncommon for me to walk into his office and see the weather website up on one of his screens. We both loved a good storm-rain, snow, thunder and lightning.  I wonder if weather will now cause an aching in my heart as it causes some people an aching in their bones.

One of our funnest vacations was just a few years ago when we took all of the kids to Disneyland. We were planning to take Annalina and Joseph there again after I graduated.  The thought of going now, to the happiest place on earth, almost makes me feel ill.  We actually traveled a lot as a family. I always planned our trips and Richard got us there.  We went to Yellowstone, Midway, the beaches of Oregon, camping at Fort Stevens, ski boat fun at Clear Lake, trips to Wolf Creek and Lagoon, so many happy memories.  I don't want to do these things without Richard.  How will I ever take my kids on vacation, or to the water park, or sledding in the snow, or camping without remembering those fun times with him as part of our family.  Will the pain ever subside enough to enjoy these activities?  Or am I doomed to do them anyway to keep some normalcy for the kids, but deep down the pain will never end?  So many unanswered questions. Such loss.  At times it is unbearable. At these times I choose to have hope that we don't have to live out our lives without Richard, that he will realize what he is missing and come home.

The kids are feeling it too, I can tell.  We used to watch Merlin and Voyager as a family.  Most nights before bed we would watch an episode together. Recently, Annalina asked if we could watch an episode of Merlin, but Joseph got angry and refused because that is something we do with daddy.  Today while Annalina was using the computer to do homework I told Joseph he could use the one in daddy's office.  He said no, it felt too weird and he got really sad.  Life with Richard is all they know.  There are reminders of him everywhere, constantly.  If my heart aches so, how must they feel?  And how in the world do I help them process that pain when I have no idea how to control my own pain?  I know the answer.  A lot of prayer and being ready to receive answers and guidance through the Spirit. It sounds simply, but its not.  But I will keep trying.

I wonder if he misses us. I wonder if he sees things that bring up memories and I wonder if it feels like a dagger to his heart. Is he happy, is he angry, is he feeling utter hopelessness, is he numb to all emotion?  I have no idea, but I do wonder if he has just blocked us from his mind?  Or does he think of us and miss us? I wish I knew that much.

A Difficult Day

I learned today that Richard's employer, who has been extremely fair and patient, needs to terminate his employment.  I understand this. He left them in a tough position and with no contact from him, what else can they do?  It is however, really hard for me to think about.  This job he has had for our entire marriage is over and it breaks my heart.  It makes him being away seem so final.

So many things he has just walked away from.  A job that allowed him to move his family in order to get an education.  A wife who adores him.  Four children who love him so much. The list is much longer than that, but mentioning things like a nice home to live in just seems weak when compared to the family he has walked away from.

It was a dark and gloomy day for me emotionally. I was feeling hopeless for the first time in a while when I realized I forgot to pray this morning. I was so tired from a long sleepless night that I did not kneel to pray when I got up.  The power of prayer is very real to me, I know that the Lord hears me. I immediately knelt to pray and felt a calm come over me.  I still feel sad, but the hopelessness has faded and I feel hope once again.  

This coming Sunday is Fast Sunday. Many of my family members across the country will be joining me to fast once again.  This time I will fast that Richard will be able to feel our love and the Lord's love and that whatever is keeping him away will fade in comparison to the importance of him coming home.  I invite all friends and family who wish to join with us to fast and/or pray for my family and specifically for Richard.  

Kid Comforts

Today I went to devotional.  On the way out some girls were handing out carnations to advertise for some bridal show.  When the girl asked if I wanted one, I said yes, and my first thought was Annalina.  I took it home and laid it on her pillow.  When she got home I told her I had something for her that reminds me of her.  She was thrilled at the pink and white carnation. She put it in water and put it in her room.  Later she had it out so she could show Joseph and she was beaming. I told her it was beautiful, just like her.  Right before dinner she reminded me she needed a mute for her violin. I was exhausted and ready to be in for the day. But we went anyway. We had a very deep conversation in the car on the way there and a silly one on the way back.  AND we found a mute.  The trip was a success.  I feel that the kids are feeling more and more comfortable sharing their feelings with me.  I try to reassure them that whatever they feel, it is okay.  There is no wrong way to feel. And I tell them that I am always here to share those feeling with.  I feel a deeper bond with my children than ever before.  I realize in a very short time it will be just the three of us.  I only pray I have what it takes to give them what they need to recover and move forward.

Joseph has been in my room pretty much every night for the past two weeks.  He has become afraid of being alone. I understand and I am okay with a roommate.  Funny thing, the other night I told him to go get his toothbrush and use it in my bathroom.  I went in later and noticed THREE of his little toothbrushes lined up by daddy's sink.  Today I noticed he had moved his laundry basket up to my room.  I think he is making this permanent.  But if that is what he needs right now, that is what he will get. This week Annalina has been in with us at night as well.  We rolled out some sleeping pads and made a little bed for Joseph on the floor and Annalina shares the bed with me. Joseph loves it.  I offered to go get his bed and just bring it up so we can all sleep on beds, but he assures me he is happy in his little spot on the floor.  Today he said, "if daddy doesn't come home we can all just sleep in one room".  So sad, and yet I can't react in front of him, I need him to feel safe expressing his feelings to me. Sometimes after they leave for school, or go to bed at night, I have myself a good cry.   Later Annalina said, "when we buy this house, we need to plant lots of flowers".  It was always our goal to be able to stay here and buy this home we are living in.  I don't think this is something that can happen now. But I didn't have the heart to even hint at that with Annalina tonight.  So many dreams lost already, I couldn't bear to see more disappointment in her sweet eyes. Oh dear, time for another good cry!

Marriage, my marriage

I was a single parent before. It was a great blessing to me to be one after years in an extremely unhealthy marriage. When I met Richard, after 10 months of being on my own with the kiddos, things were different from the start. He was not controlling in any way, he was not violent, he was not critical of me, he had complete control of his temper and he was kind and understanding of the life I had lived up until then.  He loved me for who I was and he loved Adrienne and Jacob from the start, simply because they were mine.

I never would have expected to find myself on my own again with little children.  I will never try to say that my marriage was perfect. It wasn't, but we were always able to work through our problems and it seemed to make us stronger.  I know Richard has life long scars from a difficult and traumatic childhood.  He shared so much of his life with me and I with him. We both have demons from our past that we fight daily.  It was like we were two broken people who came together to be stronger. And it is true, I knew there was nothing I couldn't face with him by my side.

For a few years after we were married, he would turn to me, gaze into my eyes and tell me, "you are my wife" as if the words brought him such joy.  I did the same from time to time, telling him, "you are my husband".  Those words were sacred to us.  Being sealed to Adrienne, Jacob and Annalina was certainly a high point in our marriage.

We learned each other's love languages and mine was verbal, so he told me many times daily how much he loved me. I loved having him work from home. He kept a chair in his office just for me so I could stop in several times a day just to talk.  About life, about the weather, about the family, anything. We talked all the time.  I would apologize for interrupting his work and he always said he was happy for the break. I never felt like a bother to him, even when I was stressed out or complaining.  He always took the time to listen.

My father passed away last year and when we learned that we needed to get to Oregon to try to see him one last time, Richard dropped everything and packed up the van and drove me there.  When we got the call halfway there that my father had passed away, he pulled over and cried with me.  There wasn't much to say, but he was there with me, my rock, and he held me, comforted me and loved me.

My husband always seemed to know my limits and he stepped in when he saw that life was getting to be too much. When Adrienne called to tell us she was getting married in a month's time, I was a little stressed at the short time line for preparing for the wedding.  I ordered a dress online.  He helped me with measurements.  I worried about the expense of it and he told me not to worry about that.  When the dress came and was far too big for me, I was so worried to have to find someone to alter it on such short notice.  While I was at school, he called several people in the area, found someone who could do it, drove me to her house for several fittings and went with me to pick it up.  And he paid that bill, which wasn't cheap, happily. He even told me I looked beautiful in it even though I never thought so.  But that is who he is, he loved me, supported me and helped me, ALWAYS!

When Jacob got his mission call, Richard was so proud. He took the mission instruction book into his office and read it cover to cover.  I told him I was overwhelmed and could only look at it a page or two at a time. He said not to worry, he was more than happy to make sure Jacob was ready to go by the 16th of April.

We moved here to Rexburg so I could finish my degree after years of going to school part time.  He was so proud of me.  When I told him I was worried about finding a job after I graduated, he told me not to worry about it.  He didn't expect me to go out and get a job just because I had a degree. He just wanted to help me fulfill a lifelong dream of an education.  I found great comfort in knowing he worked here at home so that when I was at school, the kids always had a parent to come home to.  I knew the same would be true when I got a job after graduation. I don't ever want my children to come home to an empty home and I worry how I will do that now.

A week before Richard left I had my first job interview in decades. I was so nervous about it.  The night before Richard gave me a massage and put me to bed.  The next morning he gave me a beautiful blessing and then drove me down to Idaho Falls.  I felt so calm during the interview.  I was able to think clearly and answer all the questions.  He waited in the waiting room while I interviewed and then he took me home.  When I worried aloud about answers I gave, he told me it was okay, it was all a learning experience and if I got the job great, if I didn't, that was fine too.

That is who my husband is.  He is a good man who has fought demons his entire life.  But that does not change the fact that he is a loving, caring, supportive man who loves his family with his whole being.  It was obvious every single day.  I don't know exactly what happened, or what made him feel like he had to leave us like this.  I love my husband, I adore my husband. If I could talk to him I would tell him that he is an amazing husband and father and we need him here. I would welcome him back if he should show up.  We would have a lot of work to do and I know it would not be easy, but Richard is so worth it to me.  Our marriage is worth it to me.  Our family is worth any amount of work.

I hope and pray that at some point he will read my emails to him, or read this blog post and know that it is not too late.  Any damage that has been done can be undone. But that would be so much easier to do with him here.

Richard, if you do read this I want you to know that I love you so very much. I always will.  I have not given up on you and I will not.  Please don't feel that you cannot come back and be with your family who loves you so much. Our hearts are broken, but they can be healed.  And so can yours!

The Difference One Day Makes

The day before Richard left we had a snow adventure.  Adrienne needed some specific photos for an assignment she had in her photography class. She asked if me if I wanted to go with her to Mesa Falls on Friday.  The weather got bad and we decided to go on Saturday so Richard could take us in the Jeep.  Saturday morning Richard and Annalina went to pick up Adrienne and Jon.  I got a phone call saying Jon was not going so there was room for one more.  I said no, I had papers that needed grading. I was also worried about Joseph who had been up with an earache the night before.  I sat at the kitchen table ready to start grading when the thought came to me that I needed to go with them.  Jacob was home for Joseph, so I called Adrienne back and told them to swing by and pick me up.  We had a great day.  We drove to the Warm River campgrounds and walked back to the river through several feet of snow.  It was crazy but fun.  Then we drove towards the falls. We stopped at one spot but hadn't gone far enough. Then we realized that the road went no further this time of year. So no waterfall for us!  We drove to the other side of Rexburg to the Snake River and Adrienne was able to get some photos. 

We had a great time.  I can't help but feel that I was prompted by the Spirit to go on this little adventure.  Had I not gone, I would have regretted it always.  I know Richard enjoyed his time with us, even thought he was a little withdrawn, but he had been all week.  I also know now that he was already planning to leave.  How he was able to spend this time with us knowing it would be the last is beyond anything I can possibly imagine.  My mind races with the things I would have said or done if I had only known it was our last adventure together.  I am sad, but so grateful we had one more day together of doing things we both loved doing, being together, exploring nature and spending time with the kids.