Letting Go

Jacob's departure started with his farewell talk on Sunday.  He was able to choose his own topic and he decided on prayer.  He prepared and only had one page of notes.  Knowing how much time he needed to take up, I was worried. I told him he could practice it with me if he wanted to. He said no, then he couldn't surprise me!  I finally let go and decided that he was going to be on his own without me for two years and that the Lord would bless him to be able to do many difficult new things.  I prayed for him to do well and remember all he wanted to say.  His talk was beautiful. He spoke with tenderness and he bore his testimony beautifully.  I was so impressed with this young man I have raised for the past 19 years.  My cousin Jill and her family were able to be there, as well as Adrienne and Jon and my teacher and friend Angela.  It was a special day, for sure.

The emotions associated with Jacob leaving on his mission were very powerful.  I have shut off so much emotion lately that it took some time for it to sink in. My boy was leaving, and soon.  As the emotion built up and threatened to overflow, my first instinct was to go climb into bed and let Richard help him with the packing and last minute preparations.  I figured they did not really need me, right?  Well two days before he left, he came to me and asked if we could talk. He told me that for the first time he was having doubts, about whether he could be gone so long, about getting homesick, about all the sacrifices he was making.  We sat together on the love seat and talked and talked. I told him that I once heard in general conference that a sacrifice is giving up something good for something better.  I know that his service to the Lord is the best it gets. He will be blessed beyond measure.  I told him that the Lord would help him succeed. I told him he needed to be obedient. I told him he needed to be patient with others. I told him he needed to turn to the Lord always.  It was such a tender time with him. My big son, who is taller than I am, folded himself up so that I could hold him.  We cried together and we talked together. We felt the Spirit.  From that moment on, I knew I had to be strong for him. There was no hiding away when my sweet son needed the reassurance that only I could give him.

The next day I went down to help him pack. He had all his things laid out in the play room with his suitcases.  When Richard would go to get something and we took a small break, he would come and sit as close to me as he could.  We cried some more and I reassured him some more.  These are moments I will never forget.  It was as if we knew there was only so much time left and we needed to spend it together.  The Bishop and Stake President came over to set him apart.  So much of what was said to Jacob were things we had talked about the night before.  I felt strongly that just as they were guided to say things Jacob needed to hear, so was I.  Jacob felt better after being set apart, but he still had some reservations. He was still very emotional. So we sat together for a while longer. I told him he is the bravest person I know.  He is willing to dedicate his life to the Lord for two years, not knowing what it will be like or how it will all work out. I told him he has incredible faith and that I know he will work miracles for the Lord.  It got late and I sent him to bed.  I came out a while later to this sight...

Three lonely bags sitting in the front room.  Seeing them sitting there touched me deeply and I thought to take a photo.  They signify almost 20 years of love and instruction, of learning and growth on his part as well as mine.  They show his readiness to go out into the world alone!  My journey through life with Jacob has not always been easy, there is a lot of extra worry that goes along with raising such a special spirit, but I would not trade a single moment of it for anything.  I know that he has taught me love and compassion and patience.  I have learned so much being Jacob's mother.  And I hope I have taught him what he needs to know.  I will miss my son dearly but I know that he is doing what he needs to and the sacrifices he is making, and we as his family are making, are well worth the good he will do in North Carolina.