I am not ok...but I will be

Sometimes I feel so lost and alone.  There are times I don't want to leave the safety and security of my home, and there are times when I absolutely cannot walk out the front door.  There are times I just want to roll into a ball and squeeze my eyes shut to keep everything out, when being alone feels like the only option.  There are days when all I can do is cry.  But thankfully those days are growing fewer and farther between.

I feel like I have dealt with a lot of life's lowest lows in a very short period of time.  There is not time to recover from one issue when another one comes along and knocks me off my feet again.  I had a complete emotional breakdown a  month and a half ago.  The total loss of control was something new and very scary to me.  I feel like I shattered that Sunday afternoon and I have not been the same since.  I pulled away from everyone and everything.  I am certain I alienated some dear people in my life.  My own sweet sister came to just be with me and I hid in my room crying because I was so ashamed of the weakness I was experiencing.  I am amazed at the love she continues to show me, by accepting me for who I am, not only at my very best, but at my worst and weakest. 

I questioned my faith ever so briefly.  How could the situation I was in have happened, and why did it affect me so deeply?  Where was the Spirit to help me hear things correctly?  Was I even worthy of such help? How could this one small(and looking back, silly)experience have broken me completely and sent me spiraling into a darkness I never could have imagined? But I know that my Father in Heaven loves me.  That is why he gave me a sister who loves me unconditionally.  It is why a dear friend at church checks in on me and doesn't let me stay hidden away from her.  It is why I have children who go out of their way to help and tell me every chance they get that they love me. It is why the Lord gave me a husband who would do and has done anything and everything to help me. I know that I am truly blessed. Without these few people who have chosen to stand by my side, I don't think I could have survived this long.

 I could not go to church for a few weeks and going to church now is still very difficult for me. It does not feel like the safe and loving environment that I have always felt it was, yet I know that is because of something inside me.  My first Sunday back at church, a sweet sister in our ward spoke of her battle with depression.  The things she shared touched me deeply and helped me feel not so alone.  My husband also reassures me that it is ok for me to feel what I feel and to cry when I need to cry.  He does not place the blame on me for the depression and anxiety that I feel.  He understands better than I do that we cannot always control how our mind works.  He offers me his unconditional support and encouragement and sometimes I just have to trust him when he tells me it will be ok.  I wonder about and feel sad for people who do not have that in their life, someone who cares enough to sacrifice their own needs for their partner. 

We are told not to compare ourselves to others.  The grass is not always greener on the other side.  I think we also need to realize that the grass is not always deader on the other side either.  I look at my life and the blessings I have been given and I get angry at myself for feeling the way I do.  Others have it worse than I do, so what is my problem?  I have always been a strong person and I feel I should be able to handle anything with patience and grace. But I am learning that it is ok to feel weak and to be overwhelmed. I have also learned that I don't have to hide my weaknesses from my family, my children in particular.  I don't have to be happy and in control at all times. It is not only ok, but probably healthy for them to hear that Mommy is feeling sad.  It is alright for them to see my tear-stained face. I think I always worried how they would react, or how it would make them feel to see me that way.  Instead of reacting in shock and horror, they react with love and tenderness.  What an amazing lesson it has been for me that they love me no matter what!

A couple weeks ago I wondered if I would ever pull out of this, and I still wonder.  But I do believe that I am being prepared for things I cannot imagine now, which can be a scary thought.  I know I need to be tried and tested at this time in my life, and I simply must find a way through. So, if you ask?  I am doing great!  But deep inside I am not even close.  Just know, as I believe, that I will be okay.