I am not ok...but I will be

Sometimes I feel so lost and alone.  There are times I don't want to leave the safety and security of my home, and there are times when I absolutely cannot walk out the front door.  There are times I just want to roll into a ball and squeeze my eyes shut to keep everything out, when being alone feels like the only option.  There are days when all I can do is cry.  But thankfully those days are growing fewer and farther between.

I feel like I have dealt with a lot of life's lowest lows in a very short period of time.  There is not time to recover from one issue when another one comes along and knocks me off my feet again.  I had a complete emotional breakdown a  month and a half ago.  The total loss of control was something new and very scary to me.  I feel like I shattered that Sunday afternoon and I have not been the same since.  I pulled away from everyone and everything.  I am certain I alienated some dear people in my life.  My own sweet sister came to just be with me and I hid in my room crying because I was so ashamed of the weakness I was experiencing.  I am amazed at the love she continues to show me, by accepting me for who I am, not only at my very best, but at my worst and weakest. 

I questioned my faith ever so briefly.  How could the situation I was in have happened, and why did it affect me so deeply?  Where was the Spirit to help me hear things correctly?  Was I even worthy of such help? How could this one small(and looking back, silly)experience have broken me completely and sent me spiraling into a darkness I never could have imagined? But I know that my Father in Heaven loves me.  That is why he gave me a sister who loves me unconditionally.  It is why a dear friend at church checks in on me and doesn't let me stay hidden away from her.  It is why I have children who go out of their way to help and tell me every chance they get that they love me. It is why the Lord gave me a husband who would do and has done anything and everything to help me. I know that I am truly blessed. Without these few people who have chosen to stand by my side, I don't think I could have survived this long.

 I could not go to church for a few weeks and going to church now is still very difficult for me. It does not feel like the safe and loving environment that I have always felt it was, yet I know that is because of something inside me.  My first Sunday back at church, a sweet sister in our ward spoke of her battle with depression.  The things she shared touched me deeply and helped me feel not so alone.  My husband also reassures me that it is ok for me to feel what I feel and to cry when I need to cry.  He does not place the blame on me for the depression and anxiety that I feel.  He understands better than I do that we cannot always control how our mind works.  He offers me his unconditional support and encouragement and sometimes I just have to trust him when he tells me it will be ok.  I wonder about and feel sad for people who do not have that in their life, someone who cares enough to sacrifice their own needs for their partner. 

We are told not to compare ourselves to others.  The grass is not always greener on the other side.  I think we also need to realize that the grass is not always deader on the other side either.  I look at my life and the blessings I have been given and I get angry at myself for feeling the way I do.  Others have it worse than I do, so what is my problem?  I have always been a strong person and I feel I should be able to handle anything with patience and grace. But I am learning that it is ok to feel weak and to be overwhelmed. I have also learned that I don't have to hide my weaknesses from my family, my children in particular.  I don't have to be happy and in control at all times. It is not only ok, but probably healthy for them to hear that Mommy is feeling sad.  It is alright for them to see my tear-stained face. I think I always worried how they would react, or how it would make them feel to see me that way.  Instead of reacting in shock and horror, they react with love and tenderness.  What an amazing lesson it has been for me that they love me no matter what!

A couple weeks ago I wondered if I would ever pull out of this, and I still wonder.  But I do believe that I am being prepared for things I cannot imagine now, which can be a scary thought.  I know I need to be tried and tested at this time in my life, and I simply must find a way through. So, if you ask?  I am doing great!  But deep inside I am not even close.  Just know, as I believe, that I will be okay. 

Mmm...mmm...mmm...good!

I have been trying a bunch of new recipes lately!  Our new favorites are Panera Potato soup and Cheddar Broccoli.  Everyone loves them and they are fabulous!  I can make huge batches and they freeze beautifully!  Adrienne and Richard both love to take soup to work for lunch, so we freeze some individual sizes as well!  Last Friday I tried making the Potato Soup for the first time and it was so good we got stuff to make 2 triple batches of it on Saturday!  Adrienne and Richard helped out and it was done in a snap!  I am so grateful for my kitchen helpers! 

Anyway, the potato soup is super simple, fairly inexpensive and oh so good!  We left the skins on the potatoes and then put it in the magic bullet to blend it smooth, so it retained the health benefits of the skins!  If you love soup, you have got to try these two!  They are posted on our family recipe blog that Megan started a few years back. 

http://familyrecipes-meganconser.blogspot.com/2012/01/paneras-cream-cheese-potato-soup.html

http://familyrecipes-meganconser.blogspot.com/2012/01/broccoli-cheddar-soup.html

And if you are making soup, why not start up some breadsticks to go with??  I do not have a lot of success with yeast breads.  I have a couple recipes for bread machine dough and that is about the extent of my talents in that department.  Well these looked SO very good that I just had to give them a try.  They were simple, I used the kitchenaid.  They were fairly quick, done in about an hour.  And they were light and delicious!  These are my new go to recipe for breadsticks and pizza dough!

http://familyrecipes-meganconser.blogspot.com/2012/01/twisty-breadsticks.html

We have had similar breadsticks at Extreme Pizza, they put swiss cheese on theirs, so I think I will do some playing with this recipe and see how close we can get it to the Extremely Twisted Sticks they serve!

Resolutions...Read The Scriptures!!!

I found a few tools to help our family with our Scripture studies and thought I would share!  Wanna read the Book of Mormon this year?  How about the New Testament or the Old Testament?  Follow these plans and you'll get there!  I am so grateful for technology that allows smart people who come up with these plans to share them with the rest of us! I am also grateful for the gospel and the knowledge of our Heavenly Father and his plan for us that we can learn through reading the scriptures.

Book of Mormon Reading Chart: http://www.sugardoodle.net/joomla/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=5569

Old Testament Reading Chart: http://web.mac.com/timothyhenning/The_Church_at_Trussville/Welcome_to_TCAT_files/Read%20the%20Old%20Testament%20in%20a%20Year.pdf

New Testament Reading Chart: http://milfordpc.org/documents/readnewtestament.pdf

Christmas Day At Our House

 Our Christmas morning was wonderful!  We got up to see if Santa had come in the night!  Lucky for us, all of our kids were on the nice list and they each got things that made them very happy! The dog however made the naughty list and got a lump of coal in her stocking!  Maybe next year Gidget!  Annalina made us each service coupons and placed them in our stockings!  Very fun!  After playing for a bit, we got ready and went to our morning sacrament meeting.  It was a very nice and uplifting meeting and it felt so good to be there with our ward family!  When we got home we changed and opened the rest of our gifts!  Fun!!!  We had a great hash brown casserole along with french toast for brunch.  It was a great morning with my family and I am so grateful to have them each in my life!

 Cool shades Jacob!

 Adrienne got a lot of clothes, but was extremely happy with this game she got!  I must say I had the best time shopping for her this year!  Originally I had planned to take her shopping before the big day and then wrap up everything we found, but I ended up shopping on my own, it was great and she liked the things I picked out!  Yay!

 Santa brought both of the littles playmobil!  Annalina got a vacation set and Joseph got a huge airplane and airport!  I love this brand and so do the kids!  They get hours of enjoyment playing and I love to hear them playing so creatively together!

The littles have wanted pillow pets for years now and were both so excited to finally get one!

Santa Loves Coconut Bread and Pumpkin Egg Nog...

A nice variety for Santa, don't you think??  Before bed Richard asked Joseph if he was excited for Santa to come.  Joseph had a very worried look and said he thought Santa would just leave him coal. Richard asked why and he said, "because I get in trouble almost every day, I try to be good, but its so hard!"  Oh the suspense...is Joseph on the Naughty List?  Or the Nice List?  Only time will tell....

StoryBook Lane

Cute Cousins!!

Crazy Cousins!!

Friday night Richard and I took little a and j to Storybook Lane with the Conser family. It takes much longer to drive out there than it does to walk though the display, but it is always worth it.  This is a tradition that goes back to when we were children!  The kids enjoyed it and then we came home and had hot cocoa and cookies. We enjoyed visiting with Megan and Jeremy while the kids played.  Fun evening!!

Æbleskivers

Christmas Eve morning Richard made us some Æbleskivers, something he learned from his paternal great grandmother when he was much younger.  They had cinnamon apples pieces in them and they were delicious!  Bit A&J were at their dad's house and were not able to have any with us, but little a&j loved them!  Yummy!

Once Again...BIG Change Is In Store...

Adrienne has been accepted to BYU-Idaho!  Woohoo!  Oh, and Richard has been accepted to BYU Idaho as well! Way to go dear! And Jacob and I are just waiting to hear that we have been accepted, although Jacob is not sure he wants to attend a school with his entire family!  He has also applied to BYU Provo.

Yes, we are moving to Rexburg Idaho next summer!  It is possible that two thirds of our family will be attending the Lord's Chosen School, as Bishop Stott's son so wonderfully phrased it on Sunday!

It is no secret that we have not been able to contribute much as far as funds go for Adrienne to get a college education.  We just do not have the money!  But for the past two years we have been able to offer her a free place to live and food to eat and little kids to keep her happy(we all know this is key to learning).  She has amazed me with her drive to complete her education.  She has paid her own way, no loans and will most likely graduate without ANY student loans, who does that these days??  My daughter, that is who!  When she decided she wanted to go to Rexburg for school, I jokingly said, its too bad we can't move with her and continue covering her room and board.  Hey, they have a nursing program!  Richard started checking things out and they have IT management degrees as well.  He discussed it with his manager at work and learned that he could indeed work from anywhere as long as he has a good broadband connection and a willingness to travel back to Beaverton every three to four months.

After much thought and prayer, we decided to all go back to school together.  Did you know that BYU Idaho offers scholarships for good grades?  Both Adrienne and I may have high enough GPA's to have our tuition paid for completely!  And with four of the six of us attending college, financial aid is a real possibility as well.  We will be vising in the Spring and checking things out.  The cost of living is cheaper there, so hopefully that will help us in our continued efforts to save for Jacob's mission.  You may ask yourself, is Adrienne on board with this plan?  I mean really, going to college with your family?  She is actually quite excited and I am thrilled to keep the family together another year or two! (Think I may have issues with letting go?)

For a while now, Joseph has said he does not like Idaho, because it will take Adrienne away from us.  He is happy with this plan.  Both the little kids are excited to live somewhere there is a lot of snow in the winter, although I am not sure they are quite prepared for the COLD that comes with that snow.  They are excited to make new friends and up to now, change has been a constant in their lives. They are ready for the next adventure! 

I am truly blessed with a family who is supportive of one another and willing to relocate to help one of us(or four) complete our education.

Three Days to a Full Freezer

It has been a whirlwind few days, but thanks to the help my husband and his mad chopping skills, and the older kids and their meatball rolling skills, we have managed to fill the freezer with over 40 meals!  Yay!  This is a beautiful sight to me!  We have Sweet and Sour Meatballs, Mozzarella Meatballs, Lemon Pepper Chicken, Stroganoff, Enchilada Casserole, Chimichangas, Peanut Chicken, Lasagna, Burritos, Split Pea Soup, Chicken Enchillada Soup, and more!  Now if I can just remember to get dinner out first thing in the morning, I will be set!!

Happy Birthday Annalina...You're 10!!!!

 We have been promising Annalina a friend birthday party for several years now and we finally came through!  She invited 6 friends over for some birthday fun!  They decorated cupcakes, played several fun games and then she opened gifts. It was a great party!

 In her new snuggie playing with her new DS game. Both gifts from her mom and dad!

 She was so excited about this gift!  So cute!

She loved this new outfit enough that she left the party for a couple minutes to go change! 

 Another filler activity was Richard flying his helicopters and trying to land them on the kids hands!  They really like this!

 One of our favorite party games is to have two teams and two of Richard's sweatshirts. The teams each try to cram as many balloons in as they can and when time is up, we count to see who won!  Fun times!  The kids all wanted turns to be the human grape bunch!

We had some extra time, so we walked over the playground where the kids burned off some frosting playing their favorite playground games. I love the way they all know the rules to each game. Nothing is ever explained, they just know how to play!

Annalina requested sushi for her birthday dinner, so Richard and I went to the Asian market and picked up what we needed and Richard spent a good long time preparing an awesome sushi meal for the whole family!  There was enough sushi supplies left over that the next night he made us another wonderful meal of sushi!  Thanks honey!!

I love how Annalina incorporates Christmas into her Birthday each year.  She talked about putting her gifts under the tree and wanted to play Christmas themed games at her party and she took Christmas cookies to share with her school class on the big day.  We have talked about waiting until after her birthday to get our tree and decorate for Christmas, but she would have none of that!

I have posted before about Birthdays near Christmas and how unfair they can be, but I have come to a new conclusion about that.  My only past experience with a December Birthday was my ex husband, who freely expressed how much he hated it, but he tends to have a more negative view of life in general.  So, I think it mostly depends on your outlook.  Annalina loves to share her birth month with Christ.  She doesn't mind that sometimes people forget her birthday completely.  I love so much her happy disposition and her ability to be content with the life she has!  She is amazing to me!  Happy Birthday sweet girl!

Its Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas!!

We got our tree today!  We go to the same place every year. As is the tradition, we picked the first tree we saw as we drove in!   It is a bit smaller than we normally get, but we love it!  Also, my favorite lights we have been using for 20 years finally quit working!  I am sad since lights like this with the chaser and fading functions are harder and harder to find!  We put some red and green lights on for this year and while it is different, it is still beautiful!

Toys For Tots

We were running some errands when we noticed Star Wars had come to the Kohl's parking lot!  They were part of the Toys For Tots organization, which is very near and dear to my heart as Adrienne received a gift through them on her very first Christmas!  So we hurried home and grabbed a new toy from my stash and headed back.  The kids got to sit in a Humvee and meet some marines and pose with some Star Wars favorites! 

 We all thought Hans Solo was in charge of the Millennium Falcon?  No, its Chewbacca!!  Such a DIVA!

 Marine buddies!

Joseph just had to go ask the Marines if there were any Marines in Star Wars.  He was told yes, the Imperial army did indeed have an amphibious strike team!  Good to know!